Friends

- Hey. - Hey.

Sorry I'm late. Did I miss anything?

Joey stuffing fifteen Oreos in his mouth.

Fifteen?

Your personal best! Ha, ha.

Mm-mm. Mm.

Where were you?

On a date.

I met this girl on a train going to a museum upstate.

- Which museum? - How'd you meet her?

No. Answer his.

We were at the back of the train.

I sat near the door so she'd have to pass by me...

if she wanted to switch cars. She was totally at my mercy.

Were you so late because you were burying this woman?

I'm late because she lives in Poughkeepsie.

She seems great, but she's two and a half hours away.

How can she be great if she's from Poughkeepsie? Ha-ha-ha.

That joke would have killed in Albany.

Done! I did it.

Who's stupid now?

Look! They're lighting the big Christmas tree tonight.

Um, that paper is two weeks old.

Who keeps leaving old newspapers in the trash?

I really wanted to take Kathy to this.

At least you have somebody to miss stuff with.

I hate being alone this time of year.

Next it's Valentine's Day...

then my birthday, then bang!

Then they're lighting that damn tree again.

I want somebody!

You know, I want a man!

It doesn't even have to be a big relationship. Just a fling!

I didn't think girls ever just wanted a fling.

Let me tell you, it's been a long time since I've been flung.

I know what I'm giving you for Christmas.

There are nice guys in my office. Want me to set you up?

Yeah.

I've been single a long time. Why haven't you offered before?

I have a girlfriend. I'm happy.

I no longer go out of my way to stop others from being happy.

Okay.

No accountants.

And no one from "legal." I don't like boring jobs.

And Ross was what? A lion tamer?

What's wrong, Mon?

Everybody at work still hates me.

I was making headway.

Everyone was smiling at me, and then I get off work...

and find out they wrote this on my chef's hat.

Maybe they meant to write "Quiet, Bitch."

What's the matter?

Fine! Just trying to be nice.

I haven't been picked on this much since kindergarten.

And they brought in someone from junior high to do the see-saw with me.

Aw.

They're trying to make me quit. If it were any other job, I would.

But I've waited for this my whole life.

Wait, you're the boss. Yell at them. Or fire them!

I would love to, but I can't. I'm not good at confrontation.

You know what you can do?

I read about this director, Orson Welles...

who, at the beginning, would hire somebody just to fire them.

Then they would all know who was boss.

I'm not doing anything. Why not fire me?

It's a good idea. Can you waiter?

Good enough to get fired.

All right. You're hired!

Hey!

That's why I got fired last week! Does Orson Welles direct commercials?

Yes.

I say, Drew? Are you seeing anybody right now?

I'm not asking for me.

I'm not gay. I'm not asking you out.

I'm not gay.

I didn't think you were gay.

I do now.

My friend, Rachel, wants to be set up.

I just got out of a big relationship.

I'm not looking to get serious.

That's okay. A fling might be all right with her.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Is this "Hot Rachel" that you took to the Christmas Party?

By the way, that is her full name.

Wow! I'm free for her.

Wait, I didn't say I wasn't free.

Let's talk it over at the Ranger game.

Hold on. I just got a box of Cubans.

I'll bring them by your office at 5.

That's a little later than I usually stay, but sure.

Before the game, we could enjoy some eight-year-old Basil Haydens.

I don't know what that is, but let's!

I'm writing a holiday song for everyone. Do you want to hear it?

- Yeah! - Yes!

Okay.

Happy Hanukkah, Monica.

May your Christmas be snowy, Joey.

Happy New Year, Chandler and Ross.

Spin the dreidel, Rachel.

- Pheebs, that's great! - Oh, yay!

But you know, uh, Rachel doesn't rhyme with dreidel.

I know, but it's so hard. Nothing rhymes with your stupid name!

What are you talking about? Lots of things rhyme with Rachel:

Bagel, mail, jail, bail, cable.

Maypole.

All good. Thanks.

Um, do you, maybe, have a nickname that's easier to rhyme?

- Didn't your dad call you "Pumpkin"? - Oh, yeah.

But did he ever call you "Budolph"?

- Hello, children. - Hey.

Have I got the 50 guys for you!

Really?

I showed them your picture.

Guys are throwing themselves at me and giving me stuff.

- Knicks tonight? - Where are the seats?

Wherever! I've got 20.

Will I like any of these guys?

You know, I'm going to, uh...

- play the field a little bit more. - Chandler...

Guys are signing over their 401 Ks to me.

You work with robots?

Yes.

One guy, Patrick, you'll like him. He's nice, funny and a swimmer.

I like swimmers' bodies.

His dad made the magnetic strip on credit cards.

I like credit cards!

I'm not bad at this!

- What does he do? - He works in fine foods.

- You have a fine foods division? - It's a big company...

Now, wait a second. You make food and robots?

No, the robots just work for them.

All right, I'm going to work.

Does anybody have a problem with that?

Yeah, lady. I do!

I got a problem!

I'll give you a problem!

What will you do? Fire me?

You bet your ass I'll fire you!

See you later.

I should go. I've got a date.

With who?

You know the girl who lives in Poughkeepsie?

Not her.

This is someone else.

I can't decide between the two.

The one from Poughkeepsie, though two hours away, is pretty...

really smart and a lot of fun.

But this other girl, she lives right uptown.

She's just as pretty.

I guess she's smart.

She's not fun.

If she's no fun, why date her at all?

I want to give her a chance. She lives so close.

And, at the end of the date, she said something that...

if she was kidding, was very funny.

If she wasn't kidding, she's not fun. She's stupid and racist.

- Hey. - Hey.

How was your first day at the restaurant?

Damn!

- Hey. - Hey.

What happened to your fancy jacket?

They baked it.

I can't take this anymore.

- I'm going to fire you tonight. - You got it. Oh, oh!

What are you doing?

You're still on fire there.

I think you got it!

Chandler, you have the best taste in men.

Like father, like son.

Patrick and I had such a great time last night!

This could, maybe, get serious.

I thought you weren't looking for serious. Just a fling?

Well, you know, possibly.

You didn't tell him that, though, right?