Ann Droid

LOUD SCREAM

"This week, the contestants have to prove why

"they should become Lord Sugar's business partner."

Her eyes are terrifying.

She scared the shit out of me this morning,

but she's completely fixed my neck.

It was the perfect opportunity to correct your C7 nerve compression.

I thought you were going to kill me.

I'd never kill you, Sue.

Aw.

You should have told me you were coming round

because I'd have got some food in.

We just wanted to say hi,

and see how things were going with Linda.

And also...

..it's kind of a big day.

Renee is... I'm being awarded my brown belt in BJJ!

Congratulations, Renee!

It's a really big deal.

It means I can start coaching students.

And, you know, Chris even said that I can instruct without him there.

A-Are you still training with Chris?

I can't stop him teaching in the gym.

What am I meant to do? Change instructors?

Wow. That's pretty controlling.

In case you're lost, Linda, Chris is the instructor Renee

was having an affair with.

Oh, dear, poor Michael.

How humiliating.

I-I-I'm fine.

Where is Chris now?

I don't know. He's probably with his family.

With his mother and father?

No. With his wife and kids.

Was it just a fling for Chris?

A bit of how's your father, a knee trembler, a bit on the side...

J-J-Just shut up, Linda. We've dealt with all of this.

My family are coming to see me get awarded my new belt

and we're all going to go for dinner afterwards.

Can you come, too?

I can't today, sorry.

Why, Sue?

Because we're busy.

What are we doing today, Sue? We don't do anything.

Tomorrow, nothing.

Thursday, nothing.

Friday, nothing.

We're definitely doing something.

Don't worry. It's fine.

I just wanted the whole family there because it's taken me

three years to achieve this.

Perhaps a joke would lighten the mood. A rabbi, a Boy Scout

and a showgirl are on a crashing plane...

Do you know what? W-We should actually be going.

I've got a client at nine.

Good to see you again, Sue.

Likewise.

I know you don't really like Renee, but pretending you're busy...

I'm not pretending.

Oh, come on. Busy doing what?

You don't even have a job. You've NEVER had a job!

My job was raising you

and caring for your father.

Renee's whole family is going to be there.

I just wanted you there, too.

Because a brown belt represents dedication,

mastery of technique and true leadership.

Because a brown belt represents... Dedication. ..dedication...

..mastery...of technique and true leadership.

Yeah?

Fancy thinking I don't do anything!

What are we doing now, Sue?

Don't know. Might buy some sausages.

All because I never had a job.

My family was my job and I did it very well, thank you very much!

I'm not useless!

Hey, Eileen, are you OK?

Tom's got food poisoning.

He ate a bag of rancid potpourri,

stupid berk. Thought they were vegetable crisps.

Oh, is he OK? Yeah,

he's just thick as shit. He was supposed to work today

so I could go to my Aunt Shelley's birthday party.

Your aunt? Yeah. She's 108.

I'm cancelling this taxi.

She'll be so disappointed.

I'm sorry.

I wish there was something I could do.

Well, actually, maybe I COULD help.

LAUGHS

I mean, um, you're injured, Sue.

It's a charity shop, not the World Cup.

Have you ever worked in a shop?

Well, I've seen you do it 1,000 times.

Tom can do it, and you just said he's as thick as shit.

And I've got Linda.

Yes.

Sue, it will be like the shop challenge on The Apprentice.

I can do this.

And if it works out, then I can come and help you in the shop.

The lock can be a bit dicky.

Oh, and there's a shelves delivery at midday.

All you've got to do is be in the shop, really.

OK.

You're not going in one of those driverless things are you?

Course not. They're deathtraps.

HORN TOOTS BRAKES SQUEAL

All right, Eileen? Yeah!

Hi, Sue!

Hi, Brian! I didn't know you were still a...

I mean, I thought you'd retired.

Retire? No, not me. Oh, good for you.

Bloody good show, I say.

Eileen, for God's sake, wear your seat belt.

Relax. Brian's been driving me

around in this shit heap for nearly 40 years.

And I've only been sober for the last five.

EILEEN LAUGHS

See you, love.

CREAKING

Linda, I haven't had a job since before Michael was born.

Do you think that'll be a problem?

Yes.

Great.

FALTERING GUITAR RIFF

RIFF STARTS AGAIN

DOOR OPENS

Hi.

Are you angry?

No. No, I'm not angry.

Why can't you train with another instructor?

Professor. Because Chris is brilliant.

He came third in the Wessex Open.

What, is that a big competition?

It's the Wimbledon of BJJ.

I know you've got a lot of trust issues, but so do I.

If anything, you pushed me into cheating

by spending so much time away.

I was with my mum because my dad just died!

We can spend all day trying to figure out who did what.

You had an affair. And I ended it.

Because I love you.

If anything, my affair was the best thing I ever did for us.

Oh, t...

T-Take that down.

I'm a personal trainer, OK?

BJJ is where I meet my PT clients.

More people come to class, more clients for me.

Chris is actually a really sweet guy.

A really sweet guy? After you two...

PLAYING STOPS

PLAYING CONTINUES

PHONE CLICKS

MOBILE ALERT

SHE CLEARS HER THROAT

That's really vulgar.

Still coming to my presentation?

I-I don't know.

I'm just really busy today.

There's nothing to be scared of. I'm not scared of that knobhead!

Please don't tell him I said that.

Shit, you're going to tell him I said that.

D-Do you know what? I don't care if you tell him.

Please don't tell him.

I've got to go.

I really want you there.

PLAYING STOPS

Can I try the Gibson?

Oh, what?

The vintage Gibson Super 400?

Do you have £13,000?

SCOFFS

No. Then, no.

Loser. Dickhead!

DISCORDANT STRUMMING

This job is a piece of piss.

I don't know why Eileen was acting like it was some big deal.

There are many, many copies of this man's books.

And technically he's a giant.

Help me with this, will you? We're clearing out the loft.

Madelaine's pregnant! We're going to be grandparents, again,

so you know what that means.

It means that, when Madelaine was ovulating,

a male sexual partner ejaculated inside her vagina.

It means more sleepovers!

Oh, yes, that makes sense. Ah, yes.

Oh! What kind of fur is this?

Now that is real silk monkey.

I'm only giving it away because Madelaine says it makes me

look like a lady of the night.

I think Linda might look lovely in it.

Let's see.

Hmm. The monkey pelt matches my wig.

HE LAUGHS

She is wonderful, isn't she?

You can't buy those now you know -

they've been hunted to extinction. Oh.

Sue, stand back. There is a live firearm.

HE LAUGHS

Stick 'em up!