A Man on the Inside

You wore my favorite tie.

Oh, that's my only tie.

No, I'm kidding.

I have so many ties.

- Right. - Yeah.

- I think I should go. - What? No.

- I think the night should end, don't you? - The night doesn't have to end now.

Oh. How exactly do you see the night ending, then?

I don't know. Maybe we stay the night.

Slip into some of those fancy robes they have.

- I'm gonna see if they have rooms open. - Okay.

Can I buy you a drink?

Sorry?

I'd like to buy you a drink.

How about a... martini? Yeah.

- A vodka martini for the lady. - Mm-hm.

- I'm actually with my boyfriend. - That guy? He's no good for you.

You'd be better off with someone else.

Aren't you a little old for me?

I am indeed, but I'm not buying you a drink to hit on you.

Why else would you buy me a drink?

What's going on?

This guy bought me a drink. Says you're no good for me.

Oh, yeah?

Mind your own business, Grandpa.

Well, that's the thing, Steve.

This is my business.

See, I'm a private investigator.

I was hired by your wife,

Donna... to figure out whether you were having an affair.

And since that's not Donna, it seems like you are.

Yeah. Married.

Last week, when he canceled your dinner 'cause he was called into surgery,

he was actually at his kid's dance recital.

And he's not a surgeon.

He manages a Pep Boys.

Hey, hey, hey, look.

I don't know what she's paying you,

but I will double it if you forget what you saw here tonight.

Plus, free oil changes for life.

That's not how this works, chum.

You see, private investigators like myself,

we obey a strict code of honor.

We don't do this for the money.

We do this to pursue the truth.

Because the truth is all that--

Oh, Jeez!

I'm so sorry.

My leg's asleep.

That ever happen to you?

Oh brother! Oh man!

I must have sat on that stool too long.

Just give... give me a second here.

It feels so weird. It's like, whose leg is this?

Ah, shoot.

Anyway,

you folks have a great night.

See now why I got you that drink?

Hm.

Nice composition.

You're really coming into your own as a photographer of gross dudes.

- Had a lot of practice. - Yep.

- They're always cheating. - They're always cheating.

Nine cases in the last year. They're all the same.

Client says, "I think he's having an affair."

I follow the guy for a couple of days.

Then I catch him in a very suave way

where my body functions normally.

- What? - I want a real PI case.

Something I can sink my teeth into.

Something juicy like... like Pacific View.

Okay. First of all, you're not a real PI.

You're an unlicensed trainee.

Second, these cases, the ones that you've been assisting on,

this is the job.

Most PI work isn't juicy.

It's dull.

Pacific View was one in a million.

We have a walk-in.

Julie Kovalenko?

- Yes. - Jack Berenger.

President of Wheeler College. This is our provost, Holly Bodgemark.

Provost is basically vice president.

I was gonna google it after they left. What can we do for you?

This morning, my laptop was stolen.

Okay. I don't think you need to hire a private investigator.

What's the laptop worth? A thousand bucks?

This laptop is worth four hundred million dollars.

Juicy.

These are standard NDAs.

Regardless of whether we take the case, everything will stay within these walls.

Good. Because this is a delicate situation.

I've been president of Wheeler College for two years.

Ever since I arrived,

I've been trying to get our richest graduate to make a donation.

His name is Brad Vinick, CEO of Vinick Capital.

I know that name.

Wait. Is he "what else am I supposed to do?"

I will not apologize for being successful.

These complaints about my private jet use are absurd.

Your plane has made two round-trip flights from San Francisco to Aspen

every day for four years.

My dog is in San Francisco.

My dog walker is in Aspen.

What else am I supposed to do?

That unfortunate interview notwithstanding,

Vinick is worth about six billion dollars.

Like all small colleges,

Wheeler is struggling, and it is a really special place.

You don't have to tell me.

My daughter went there.

And my son-in-law.

Love to hear it. Go, Acorns.

I got Vinick to pledge 400 million to keep Wheeler afloat.

We shook hands on the terms last night.

This morning, I got to my office, my laptop was stolen,

and I received this email from somebody called "Wheeler Guardian."

"Brad Vinick is a lying snake."

"You take one dollar of his blood money, I spill all your secrets."

- What secrets are on your laptop? - Hell if I know.

That doesn't matter. It's messy.

And billionaires hate messy.

I don't want him freaking out if he finds out that two years ago

I had a botched calf implant in Miami.

Hypothetically.

We can't go to the police because we can't afford a scandal,

but the actual contract won't be signed for months.

And if the blackmailer succeeds in sabotaging Vinick's donation,

Wheeler College may just disappear.

Well, let us talk it over.

There's no need. We'll take the case.

This is clearly an inside job.

Every single faculty member could be a suspect,

which means you have to find someone from outside the school

to go undercover and investigate.

Your only chance to save Wheeler College is if you have...

Okay, let's start with the basics. That's your ID card on top.

That gets you into any door on campus.

Also, inside the folder is the list you requested.

Everyone working on campus the night the laptop was stolen.

Students don't arrive until next week, so for now it's just faculty.

How many of these people knew about the donation?

No way to know.

It hasn't been announced officially, but gossip travels fast around here.

The laptop was stolen off Jack's desk next door.

I can show you his office.

It used to be four small offices, but Jack had it remodeled.

He said he needed a private bathroom more than he needed an HR department.

Please don't touch anything. Jack is very fastidious.

Okay, we should start by reviewing any camera footage that you have

along with geolocation data from the swipe cards.

We should start that way, but we can't

because our cameras broke years ago, and we can't afford to get them fixed.

Aspirin?

Nicotine gum.

I don't even chew it anymore.

It works faster if it goes right to the stomach.

How many people had access to this room?

Anyone with a swipe card, which is everyone.

And to answer your next question, our system is so old,

we can't even track who went in what door.

Friday we are unveiling Vinick's official portrait

as a "distinguished graduate."

Part of the charm offensive.

Most on that list will be at the party.

Okay, since Charles is undercover, you likely won't see me

unless we meet at my office.

I am off to a meeting for another case.

See you at the party.

Until then, I will be engaging in PLOP.

P-L-O-P.

Prepare, learn, observe, pursue.

PLOP.

Is that a spy term?

It's a famous one.

I'm not sure who invented it. Uh...

Some genius, probably.

Okay, off to PLOP.

It's so much worse when you use it as a verb.

Hi. Now a good time?

Yeah. Come in.

Have a seat.

Can I get you anything? Water, calcium supplement, knee brace?

I'm good.

Okay, so my stupid company keeps merging with other stupid companies.

"Bynum Southwest Pacific is forming a strategic partnership

with Northeast Atlantic Retirement."

"The new company will be called Southwest Northeast Atlantic Pacific."

- Catchy. - Yeah.

So we're gonna have new employees, and we need to do some background checks.

Do you want the job?

Well, to be honest, I'm a little surprised you want to hire me,

given that you once called me

a remorseless, bottom-feeding, two-faced rat.

- Yeah, I did. - Mm-hm.

But that's water under the bridge.

I gotta admit, you did a great job on the case with Gladys.

And I'd rather have somebody I know in charge of this.

- Okay, yeah. Send me the files. - Great.

Hey, Nancy's stuck in her bathtub again, and she's not alone.