That Mitchell and Webb Look

I'm not interested in leagues, Terry, just results.

It's not my balls on the line here.

Either your grass talks, or you'll be directing traffic by the end of the week.

Sorry, Terry, I just realised I was incredibly rude to you just then.

I'm really sorry.

It must be the stress or something but that's no excuse.

I know you're doing your best mate. Just ignore me.

Yeah, cheers. Bye.

What do I have to do to get a coffee round here?

That area over there would be a lovely place for a kitchen.

Oh, yes.

It's a wonderful space.

I was just wondering, is there a problem with damp here?

I was wondering if you'd ask about that.

There is a lot of moisture, but it's not actually a damp problem.

It's actually water which the current owners deliberately keep here.

- It's deliberate water. - Yeah.

There's no reason you have to have water.

You can have any liquid, you know. Gravy,

acid or you could even have it with no liquid at all.

- Oh, dry? - Literally dry, yeah.

Oh, that's good 'cause where we live now is dry so...

- So that's what you're used to, fine. - And is this it, or are there other levels?

That's interesting actually, because it's split level,

but the floor level actually descends towards this end of the property

and the moisture is even more pronounced here.

- Oh, oh, that's good, yeah. - (WHISTLE IS BLOWN)

- Get out the pool, you bloody idiot. - Shit, it's the current owners.

Quick! Somebody put in an offer.

Oh, oh.

Tough one, but I think we won them over.

Listen, Alan, I've got something I want to tell you, er...

I want to leave the act.

I don't want to be in Fish and Chip anymore.

What are you talking about?

We've been together 15 years, Barry.

We're Fish and Chip, we can't just throw that away...

- Yesterday's fish and chips. - That's not funny, Barry.

Look, the truth is I've been talking to Roger Pin...

Roger Pin, from Pin and Cushion?

He and John Cushion haven't been getting on very well

for a couple of years now and there's no easy way of saying this

but...me and Roger Pin we want to form our own act.

What, Pin and Chip?

- Chip and Pin. - What the hell's that? That's not a thing.

- It is. - What is it, then?

It's a new way of making credit and debit card transactions more secure

- and it's going to be massive. - More massive than Fish and Chips?

Fish and chips are on the way out.

They're high in cholesterol, there are associations with obese people.

No, Chip and Pin, that's the future.

This is too big an opportunity for me to pass up.

You've got to let me go for this, Alan.

Well, I wish you all the best, Barry, I really do.

I must say, I think you're making a big mistake.

It's just your arm, Alan.

We've both always known,

it's just your arm.

Well, done it, Roger.

How'd he take it?

As well as could be expected. Yours?

First time I've ever seen John Cushion cry.

I just hope we're doing the right thing.

I know we are. This is our big chance.

It's time for Chip and Pin.

Little did we know, that was the beginning

of an amazingly successful double act.

Ladies and gentlemen, Fish and Cushion.

Fish and Cushion?

It just doesn't make any sense to me.

And of course he was right. I mean, Fish and Cushion.

What does that mean?

But you can't argue with a four-month sell-out run.

The hardest moment to deal with was when Fish and Cushion

were selected above us to be the faces of the TV campaign

launching Chip and PIN.

That, I have to admit, was the one job that Barry and I were pretty sure

that we, Chip and Pin, would get.

- Life's tough without Chip and Pin, isn't it? - It sure is.

Don't worry, lads, Chip and PIN is coming this February.

We've scored a bit of an own goal, really.

Yeah.

Can you find it in your heart to blame them?

Not really.

Give it another ten years...

..and we'll buy a gun.

It's great the way churches have become more inclusive

- and open-minded these days. - Yeah, I'm sure.

I just don't think I'm really religious.

They're happy just to talk about stuff and it's a great place to make friends.

- Can I help you? - Hi, we're new to the area.

We've bought three of the almshouses.

We thought we'd just say hi.

Who the hell did you think you were going to say hi to,

the Lord your God?

'Cause I'm not sure you've lived lives worthy of his attention.

- Er... - Ha, erm...

Yeah, we're not particularly religious.

We'd say we were spiritual people. We're interested to find out more.

"Not particularly religious", "interested", "spiritual".

Are you testing me, Satan?

What happened to the friendly lady vicar I met last week?

She's gone, child, they've all gone. Banished by the Bishop.

I know where they're going eventually. In the meantime, Daventry, and we're back.

- Who? - The incredibly horrible and twisted people

who are still unaccountably vicars.

- Maybe we should... - I saw you in here last week.

I saw you reading the notices and talking about your views

and eating other people’s biscuits.

We were all watching you from the vestry

and we all thought you were a bitch.

Look, steady on. I mean, my wife's entitled to her views.

Oh, isn't she just. Aren't you all entitled to your half-arsed musings on the divine.

You've thought about eternity for 25 minutes

and think you've come to some interesting conclusions.

Well, let me tell you, I stand with 2,000 years of darkness

and bafflement and hunger behind me.

My kind have harvested the souls of a million peasants

and I couldn’t give a ha'penny jiz for your Internet-assembled philosophy.

- Sally... - We have a right to be here.

- This is a place of peace. - Oh, please. That's a very recent idea

- and not one that's going to catch on. - I'm certainly n...

Be gone! Be gone to your Satanic almshouse conversion.

Leave here damn, sinning, dog of a whore.

Oh, at least leave a quid for the upkeep!

Come on, pour us one. They're breaking off.

I think I might have overdone it with the yeast.

Cheers!

Oh, and that's a bad miss.

And you can see the frustration on Terry McCarthy's face

as he returns to his seat.

Not a look to be taken lightly,

especially at around two in the morning on the streets of Derby,

if the media's to be believed.

Well, Terry is no stranger to adversity, particularly in the form of the police,

and he has spoken publicly in very moving terms

about that guy he cut.

I think he was right to put an end to the speculation

and it does sound to me like that guy he cut

was basically asking for it.

Which is not to condone Terry's actions.

Terry's lightning-fast reactions.

It's not to condone it in any way when we say it was that other guy's fault.

Certainly in the eyes of snooker,

if not as it transpired those of so-called British justice.

I think the thing to remember here, Ted, is that both men involved are sorry.

Terry has said publicly that he's sorry and that other guy,

well, he's bound to be sorry, isn't he? Every time he looks in the mirror.

Hello and welcome to "Numberwang",

and today is a very exciting edition

because it's our nine thousand three hundred and forty first programme.

- (APPLAUSE) - Oh!

Well, joining me to play this very special game of Numberwang

are two brand-new contestants, Julie from Durham

and Simon who is from space.

Well, let's get on. It's time for round one. Let's play Numberwang.

- Julie to go first. - 9.

- 14. - That's Numberwang.

And before we move on to round two, a quick word from Giles Brandreth,

who's with us all week in number corner.

So, Giles, any funny number stories for us?

Yes, once I ate 18 cakes.

More from Giles later. And Giles' story is particularly apt for our next round.

It's time for Numberscoff.

In front of you edible numbers.

Julie, as the winner of the last round, you go last so it's Simon to play first.

- 6. - That's Numberwang, scoff a number.

- Julie? - 17.

- That's Numberwang. - (MUFFLED) 37.7.

- That's Numberwang. - (MUFFLED) 50.

- That's Numberwang, tuck in. - (SIMON BURPS)

- (SIREN WHOOPS) - Belchwang,

which means double number points.

And neither of you have eaten a number 4, so bad luck.

Just time for a quick word from Giles.

Oh, oh, 3.

Priceless. Let's look at the scores. And it's absolutely neck and neck,

because both of our contestants are on 48, apart from Julie who's on 12.

So, that could all change in the final round. It's time for Wangernumb.

Let's rotate the board.

Let's play Wangernumb, Simon?

6.

- 2. - 6.

- 71 . - 6.

- 14. - 6.

8,709.324.

I was miles away. Erm...

I think Simon got Wangernumb ages ago. Did you say 6?

- Yes. - That's Wangernumb!

Julie, you have been Wangernumbed,

but Simon, thou art Lord Simon of Numberwang.

That's all from Numberwang today. A last word from Giles...

Numberwank.

- It's Numberwang. - Fuck.

Ohh, priceless. Well, until next time from all of us here...

Good Numberwang.

So get your bloody act together or you're history. Get out.

Hello, Alan.

- How do you know my name? - I've seen them picking on you.

It's not fair, but all that's about to change.