Extras

Cut!

- Oh, for fuck's sake. - Okay, we'll get it on that, thank you.

- Was I in it? - I don't know.

No, I wasn't in it. What is the point in getting all tarted up like this

- if you're not going to make it to the scene? - You look quite dapper.

- It's a Nazi uniform. - I know. It's a bit natty, though, isn't it?

- Natty? - I bet it's more comfortable than this.

This is riding up my clunge.

Can you imagine hiding from the Gestapo for weeks on end dressed like this?

Yeah, it must have been awful.

- It's actually very slimming that. - Yeah? I'll wear it out Friday night.

She's right. I can see what she means.

Yeah? You think I look good in this?

You should see me with a white sheet over my head setting fire to a cross.

- Who's that? - Not sure.

Seems nice.

I've got to get out of this, it's doing my back in.

Okay, take care moving on now. Thanks, chaps.

- Do you know what worries me? - Don't know.

Where do baby ants go to school? Go on.

No, all these people going about pretending to be nuns.

- What do you mean? - Do you think that's right?

- It's a film. - I know.

But they're all wandering around as holy ladies.

Wouldn't that offend God or someone?

- Offend God or someone? - Does it not worry you a bit?

No. What, offending God? I'm an atheist.

What one's that? Is that the one where you haven't decided what...

No, that's agnostic. I'm an atheist. I firmly believe there is no God.

- Why? - Wh... The burden of proof is not on me.

The burden of proof is on the people who say there is a God.

I don't believe in God, I believe in science.

Do you not believe in anything like ghosts or spirits or anything?

No, I don't believe in ghosts or spirits or elves. Certainly not God, no.

So what do you think happens when you die?

Well, if you're buried, you go in the ground and you're worm food.

See, I don't like that.

I would rather believe that there is a God and your soul just floats away on to eternity.

All your friends from school will be there, all the ones you haven't seen for ages,

and all your dead pets and just, like, all nice people.

You don't have to worry about worms.

You believe in God, then.

I think I need to go for a wee.

Oh, that's the third one already.

Good. Well, keep me posted throughout the week.

Maybe keep a journal.

Oh, God!

- What have you done? - What?

What's happened? Are you all right?

No, I've got cerebral palsy. Don't worry.

Oh, good.

- I thought you'd had a fall or something. - No, I'm cool. Really.

Oh, hello, then. I'm Maggie.

I'm Suzanne again and this is my sister Fran.

- Hello. - Good to meet you.

- Are you in this as well? - Oh, she's just here to watch.

- I was going to say... - Oh, I have a bit of spare time, you know,

because my tap dancing class was cancelled so...

Right.

Joke, tap dancing, me.

Right. Yeah, yeah.

- I've got a question about your props. - Go on.

- Where's all this stuff come from? - You just buy it.

What, there's a shop for a 30 foot swastika is there?

No, I got that from home. It's my Nan's.

Here she is.

- All right? - Yeah.

Hey, do you want to have lunch with us later?

I can't. I've got to go and see my fool of an agent.

- Still going well, is it? - I went in the other day, right,

and he said to me, "Andy," he said, "if I don't get a decent client soon,

"I'm going to have to go full time at The Carphone Warehouse."

Unbelievable.

- Here, got to go. - See you later.

- Go and move some props around. - Will do.

- Going well, is it? - Yeah, it's good.

That's longer than a day you've been going out with this one.

- Three weeks. - That has got to be a record for you.

- Cheekiness. - No, well done. Good bloke.

- Well, I'm glad you like him. - Yeah, good.

- What? - Nothing.

- Married? - No.

- Gay? - No!

It is something, though.

He likes to talk dirty on the phone.

He'll call me up and he's coming out with all this filth.

Why would you tell me that?

What does he say? What does he say?

He calls up and says things like...

"Ooh, what are you doing?"

What do you say?

I didn't know what was going on at first, didn't realise, and I was just honest with him

and I said, "I'm just cleaning out the vegetable drawer of the fridge."

Well, he probably thought that was a euphemism.

"Oh, I'm cleaning out my vegetable drawer." "Oh, I am scrubbing my front step."

- Have you talked dirty back to him? - No.

- Have you? - No, I have not.

I don't know what to say to him. It's too embarrassing.

- Yeah. - What if I say something and he laughs at me

or something and it's too much and he gets all offended?

Well, no, it's just all stuff like, "Oh, I'm playing with myself."

Oh, that sounds interesting.

- Hi. Not me, her. - Go on.

Her boyfriend likes to talk dirty on the phone and she doesn't know what to say to him.

Oh, yeah, that can be a bit awkward.

Why don't you just start off with something light, you know, like...

"I'd love it if you stuck your Willy Wonka between my Oompa Loompas."

You know, something a bit jokey and then you can get more hardcore.

Rattle off the old classics like, "I'm playing with my dirty pillows."

"I'm aching for your big purple-headed womb ferret." And then go straight in hard,

"Get round here because I'm fudding myself stupid and I'm bloody loving it."

- All right? - Yeah.

Yeah.

Anyway, better get on. Good luck.

Love to Sam Mendes.

Kate Winslet just talking dirty to...

Anne Frank and Joseph Goebbels.

Just... another normal day.

- Guten Tag, Fräulein. - Oh, hi.

What is this "Oh, hi"?

Sorry, is that meant to be German?

You are resisting the great German sense of humour. You are English, ya?

Then I have something for you that will make you roll in the aisles.

This is funny to you, yeah, because it looks like a thingy. Yeah.

Actually, this will make you laugh. Jesus, look, pissed up nutter over there.

She's had a few.

Actually, is she pissed or mental?

Oh, here she comes.

- That's my sister. - Huh?

She's got cerebral palsy.

No... not... her.

Another nutter that was... Not another nutter, she's not...

She's gone now, the one I meant. Shot on and just shot off again.

- Hi. - Hi.

- This is my sister. - Hiya.

- Francesca. - You all right?

Hiya, you all right?

What do you do in this, then?

What Judith...?

- No, she said what do you do in this? - Oh, a background artist.

Oh, right. And what does that entail?

What does that entail?

Yeah, just standing around, really. Although it's not what I do.

I'm a real actor, this is just sort of like pocket money.

Yeah, well I bet they all say that, don't they?

All right, mate. Come and check this out. I just typed in 58,008 into a calculator...

and lo and behold, amazingly, it comes up "boobs".

You see that? That's worth knowing, isn't it?

Good.

What can I do... Oh, sorry.

Better get that. Hang on.

Just...

Hello? It's gone.

That's... annoying.

It's weird that, it always happens with that one.

- Turn it off. - Okay, I'll put it on vibrate.

How do you do that?

Erm... what can I do for you?

You called me in for a meeting.

Did I? What was that about?

I don't know, you said you wanted to see me.

All right. I'll just check on here.

- What's the gist of it? - It'll be on here.

I've got everything organised on there so it's all...

I'm looking at the wrong date.

- Erm... it's the third today, isn't it? - Fourth.

Fourth. Yeah, I was looking at the wrong date.

Tuesday 3rd, blank.

What does it say here? It just says, today, "catch-up meeting".

Just to catch up, really, with you and find out what's been happening

- tell you about what's coming in and... - Okay, what's coming in?

Nothing's come in according to that.

- Nothing's come in? - No.

Okay, good. Well, that was well worth it.

Apart from sitting there waiting for the phone to ring, what have you done?

Have you called anyone? Have you sent the script out?

What script? Sorry?

Oh, man, the script I gave you two months ago.

That sounds good.

- The sitcom. - Yeah? Funny?

You haven't read it?

What's it called? Because I can get on to that.

- When the Whistle Blows. - I'll just write down "When the 'W' Blows."

Don't put "W", you'll forget what the "W" stands for. Write it out.

- No, When the Wind Blows. - Whistle.

I'll put that in. "W" equals wind.

- Whistle! - Whistle. It's there.

- It's in. - That's safe then, is it?

That's done. I can forget about that. That's on its way, yeah?

I've got my best man on it?

- Yeah. - Safe hands, safe hands.

- Do you want to put another meeting in? - Any point?

May as well. And then when nothing comes in, just phone you up and cancel it.

That's a plan.

I don't think of him as an agent now.

I think of him as a bloke who had some cards printed up

in a vending machine in the garage with the word "agent" on them.

That, to me, is his qualifications.

He sent me up for the lead role in Billy Elliot.

Yeah, right, the man in charge of my career. I'm glad you're finding this funny.