Peep Show

Chipsticks or Frazzles.

Chipsticks or Frazzles.

Chipsticks or Frazzles?

-Shall I go on? -

God, it's like a Stasi torture block.

"The fetal head then passes below the pubic arch.

At this point, the woman may feel a burning or stinging sensation."

The phrase "No shit, Sherlock" comes to mind.

How much more do you want? What's an episiotomy?

-You don't wanna know, mate. -Why?

Well, you know between your bum and your genitals, that area?

It's one of my favorite areas.

Imagine someone snipping it with scissors.

Oh, my fucking life!

Yeah. Either that, or you can have it pull apart like wet tissue paper.

Sophie's mom. Hello?

So glad I'm not a woman. Worst thing that can happen to me

is getting sent to war. Even then, I can find a cave

and eat blackberries and tug myself off till it's over.

She's in Northumberland.

They're on their way, but it could be five or six hours.

Shit, I can't be the birth partner!

I see where this is going. I ain't no birth partner!

Dude, you are gonna be a great birth partner!

The truth is, and I really wish it wasn't true, but I'm a

a pedophobe, to be honest.

Oh, right.

Oh, my life!

I mean, I suppose I always wondered whether…

I've always felt really weird around children, you know?

Right. Yeah.

Act supportive, or punch his lights out?

And are you gonna get help for…

I don't know. What sort of help can you get for an irrational fear of children?

Pedo-phobe! Oh, right.

What did you think I meant?

Oh, my God, Jeremy!

It's just pedo, phobe…

I mean, they're both bad.

I thought you were saying you were a mega-pedo!

You thought I was saying I was a mega-pedo?

And your reaction was that you'd always wondered?

I was grappling. I was grasping.

Mark Corrigan?

I'm just going back in. I was only looking at the crisps and I got distracted.

I've been three minutes max, honestly.

You are allowed out.

You're nice. I wish I was having a baby with you.

We'll see Sophie shortly and if things haven't progressed,

we can always give her a cervical sweep, okay?

Hm. The cervical sweep.

Chim, chim, che-ree.

So, listen, I've spoken to your mom and she's on her way.

Oh, thank God.

But hold your horses just one sec, because

they are on their way from Northumberland.

So until she gets here, I am very much your man.

Fucking hell.

Argh!

-Oh… -Ah!

What do I say? Can't sit back and watch, eating popcorn. Can't alleviate.

Ow! Poor… Soph.

-Does it hurt? -Yes, it fucking hurts!

- -Might be your mom.

Hello?

Oh, what? The boiler?

You're kidding! But it's just… No, sorry, thank you.

I'll get it sorted.

-Wasn't your mom. It was just… -Mm…

A tiny thing. My boiler. It's nothing.

It's cool. It's nothing. Minor explosion.

Forget it, I'm focused, okay. Baby.

Apparently there's water leaking downstairs. So irrelevant.

Can you fetch the TENS machine? It's really starting to…

Right, the TENS machine.

While my flat fills with water,

what you need is an almost imperceptibly low dose

of battery-powered pain relief!

Can you try and relax, Mark?

Sure. Understood. I won't get anxious.

Oh, it's rubbish.

Placid lake of water.

Placid lake of water filling up my flat from the gushing broken boiler.

Has the nurse said anything about the pool yet?

Water birth?

Isn't it a bit… zany?

I'll be much happier in the pool!

Okay, then I'm on it, Soph. I'm on it for you.

And remember to ask for one of those nets for poo and bits, Mark.

Will do.

God, how did he get so old?

I'll never let myself get so old.

I mean, you have to get old up to a point, but that's ridiculous.

Still nothing from Elena.

I'll never fool anyone as beautiful as Elena into loving me again.

Maybe I should kill myself.

Hmm, Gary Neville's conservatory is nice.

Hello.

Put that suicide bid on hold.

Okay, a book. Egghead alert.

So, The Famished Road.

-Is that a sequel? -I'm sorry?

To the one that was a film about the end of the world? The Road?

'Cause they were hungry enough in that.

- Good one. -Didn't even know it was a one.

-I'm Zara. -Jeremy.

So, what are you in for? You don't have to tell me if it's disgusting.

My boyfriend's in intensive care.

Boyfriend.

-Oh. -Yeah. He's in a bad way…

Unconscious. They don't know when he's going to come round.

That's terrible.

Terri-brill!

Okay, birthing pool. Don't believe in it but I have to sell it.

I'm Clare Short backing Iraq, Trinny and Susannah endorsing Nescafe.

Hi, hello. I wondered what happened to the nurse from before?

-Which one? -The one who was… Nice… here.

-Yana's finished her shift. -Ah, oh, okay.

Well, we, uh, discussed the possibility earlier of using a pool.

Well, I don't have a note of that.

Great. Yana's a flake.

The lovely nurse who doesn't write anything down.

She probably only works here to get 'ludes.

Both birthing pools are either occupied or…

Look, I need a pool, okay?

We want a natural birth. God knows some people aren't convinced

of the benefits of a water birth, but I for one am not one of them.

So please could you sort that out?

-I'll see what I can do. -Very well.

Good day.

Good day? God, I'm so stern.

Maybe I'll end up marrying her instead and we'll have brisk, clinical sex.

How's it going, dude?

We're looking at a five centimeter cervix,

plus the boiler's exploded.

Hey, that's Zara's!

Who was that good plumber? Sophie's nice guy?

-How about I sort it? -Really?

-Really. -Thanks, man.

He's so lucky I'd never spike a coffee with Rohypnol.

Too many practical risks even before moral considerations.

Okay, pretty tough but I managed it. I said, "Listen, you do things our way.

"My birth partner has requested this,"

and I don't care if I have to take it to the top of the GMC. Got it?"

-Mark, I can't do this. -Okay. Um…

Is that better? Or is that better?

-I don't care! -Or is that better?

Oh! I want it to stop. It's all too much!

Soph, it's okay. We'll get you in the pool, I'm gonna sort it.

I don't want a pool. I need pain relief, Mark!

Oh, you don't want the pool?

No, I want an epidural or someone to smack me on the head

or just… Fuck!

It's just I did ask very firmly for the pool.

-If I go back, I'll look… -You'll look what?

It's just it'll weaken my negotiating position.

-Mmm. -No, Soph, yep, I'm on it.

Just a tiny query…

Can you remember, not at your last place,

but the place before, the name of that nice plumber?

Was it Tom or Tim?

No biggie, but if it jumps into your head,

can you just pop the number down there, would you?

Wow, private room. This guy's lucked out.

Hi, Ben. I'm back.

Hi, Ben.

I thought this might inspire him, you know,

to write a novel, now he's unconscious.

Mm-hm. Right.

You know, it's funny, just looking at him, I could tell we'd get on.

He looks like a laugh, a right laugh.

I sort of want to shake his hand. Would that be all right?

Oh, go ahead.

Ah, Ben, sleepy Ben.

I want to steal your girlfriend, Ben. I think I love your girlfriend.

"Sleepy Ben."

That's nice.

I definitely don't hope he dies, definitely not.

That would be horrible.

But he does look like he could do with a nice long relaxing coma.

Oh, it's you again.

Yes.

Okay, after a lot of hassle, I've actually managed to swap things around,

and it looks like the birthing pool will be available, so…

Yes, well, as it happens, things have changed

and my partner no longer requires the pool.

No, we want the what's it called,

the drugs pipe, the heroin pump, the crack tube, whatever you've got.

-I want to stop her suffering. -Wish I'd known this earlier.

Hm, you might be ripe for a trim, in the cuts.

So before the accident, how long had you two been… hanging out?

-Three months. -Okay.

And how was it going?

Were you two very…

Oh, he's very committed to his work and he did the Ironman Triathlon… twice.

Wow. So out of those three months,

you can knock off at least two weeks for training.

He loves his dance music and drugs and video games.

-God, really? -Whereas I love to read…

Oh, me too. I adore to read. It's amazing, isn't it?