Ruby Sparks

There you are.

I've been looking for you.

Have you seen my other shoe?

What?

What?

Why are you looking at me like that?

Go potty.

Scotty.

Come on, boy. Scotty.

Go potty, Scotty.

Don't look at me like that.

Yes?

Great way to start the day, right?

I think I'm gonna puke.

Mom said you went on a date last week. How'd it go?

It was okay.

"Okay" as in you got laid?

Harry. What?

She can't hear you.

Don't you wanna have sex, like, ever again in your life?

Yes. I just don't think that I'm the dating type.

Girls only wanna sleep with me because they read my book in high school.

So?

So they're not interested in me.

They're interested in some idea of me.

That's why you should keep working out. That way, they'll want you for your body.

What does this thing even do?

It turns you into a god.

Keep going.

Hey, I had a weird dream last night.

There was this girl and she was--

What'd she look like?

Just a normal girl. Just a girl I made up.

Well, what happened?

She just talked to me.

That's depressing.

Actually, it was really nice.

Seriously? You don't even get laid in your dreams? That's....

That's just sad.

Hey, how's the new book coming along?

I don't know. I get a good idea, like why don't I write about my dad?

And then, bam, I start thinking that it's the stupidest thing ever.

Who wants to read about, "He was disappointed in me...

...blah, blah, blah"?

Also, I'm feeling ambivalent about Scotty.

Yeah, he slobbers. He chews things.

He pees like a girl, which makes me feel inadequate.

He needs to go outside a lot, breaks up my day. That's why I'm not writing.

Do you think that's why you're not writing?

No. Why do think you're not writing?

Can I have Bobby now?

Do you need Bobby now? Yes.

Calvin...

...when's the last time you saw a friend?

Harry. Yesterday.

No, no. Someone other than your brother.

Uh, have you been giving Bobby to your other patients?

No, Bobby is just for you.

Because he smells weird. Calvin...

...when you were deciding to get Scotty, what did we talk about?

What did you say your hopes were? Do you remember?

That he would help me meet people.

A little louder, please?

That he would be awesome and we'd take hikes and stuff.

And people would stop to pet him, and I would meet them.

But Scotty gets scared when people try to pet him.

Does that embarrass you?

No. I wanna give you a writing assignment.

I can't write. Okay.

This would just be for me.

I'd like you to write a page...

...about someone who sees Scotty all slobbery and scared...

...and likes him anyway, just the way he is.

You think you could do that for me?

Can it be bad?

I'd like it to be very bad.

I first met Calvin when he was 19 years old.

And he'd already been at the top...

...of The New York Times Best Seller list, uh, for several months.

And I remember thinking:

"Who the fuck is this kid?

And, uh, how can I go back in time and be him?"

A high-school dropout with acne still on his chin...

...gave us what may very well become a classic American novel.

Since then, of course, we've all enjoyed his short stories...

...uh, including last year's novella, Breakfast for Dinner.

But it was only when I sat down and reread his novel...

...now available in a beautiful 10th anniversary edition...

...that, uh, I realized just how good a writer Calvin Weir-Fields is.

We are lucky to have him around.

Ladies and gentlemen, Calvin Weir-Fields.

Phenomenal, man. Just brilliant. Thank you. Thanks.

Brilliant. Thanks so much.

Calvin. Hi.

You know that chapter where Charlie goes to the whorehouse?

Did you dress the whores blue because it's the color of his mother's apron?

I'm sorry--

How did you know where to send your manuscript?

I looked it up.

Oh, of course.

Is it weird for you that you used to be so successful?

There's the man.

Cyrus, you gotta remind me about these things.

You have to check your messages, buddy.

I would've worn something nicer.

No one cares what you're wearing. You are a genius.

Don't use that word.

Mr. Perrotta, over here.

Calvin always had talent. Over here.

But that, unfortunately, is not enough.

Langdon, right here! All I did, really...

...was guide him in the right direction and, uh, like, pass the baton.

Mabel.

What?

I'm Mabel.

Oh, do I know you? No, no.

Do you want my number?

It's a one-off, that book. Great.

It's the first album of an indie band. Thank you.

It has that sort of unselfconscious verve...

...that, um-- That you don't, uh....

Then, of course, there's the second album syndrome, which--

We don't talk about that.

Everyone loves this book, but we wanna hear what you're doing now.

What matters is right now. What are you working on? Are you...?

They love you, then they throw you away.

I mean, if I'm gonna include anybody.... It's actually easier...

...if you've only ever been mediocre.

If you've been at the top--

Hi. Sorry. Hi.

-it can kill you.

Yeah, Salinger had the right idea. He....

Write what you can, then, pssh, disappear, you know?

So I've had a drink.

But no coke. I didn't-- No coke.

I didn't do any coke.

Scotty?

Scotty?

Sorry I'm late, buddy.

Scotty?

Scotty, what the fuck?

Oh.

She's so cute.

What?

Your dog. She's so cute.

Oh, he's a boy dog.

He just peed like a girl.

Have we met before?

I don't think so.

Do you mind if I draw him?

Uh, but don't get too close.

He's a little scared of people.

You're an artist? Yeah.

I'm super good. Really?

What's your dog's name?

Uh, Scotty.

Are you Scottish? No.

I named him for F. Scott Fitzgerald.

Who? F. Scott Fitzgerald.

The novelist.

Great Gatsby.

I don't read a lot of fiction.

You've never heard of F. Scott Fitzgerald?

Why? Is he really famous and important?

Well, he's probably one of the greatest novelists who ever lived.

Isn't that disrespectful?

What?

Naming your dog after him? It's a little disrespectful.

No, it's a gesture. Yeah, an aggressive gesture.

Think about it. You're a novelist. You think this guy's the greatest.

So you name your dog after him to cut him down to size.

This way, you can put him on a leash...

...and yell "Bad Scotty"...

...and feel all superior because you pee inside.

Kill your idols, man. I'm all for it.

All right. Scotty.

Hang on.

This is beautiful. Yeah.

Your dog might pee like a lady, but I like him anyway.

Hey, what did you just say?

I like him just the way he is.

Yes.

Yes. Yes.

Yes. Yes.

"--pooled into his eyes as though.... Rushed back like blood....

Calvin flushed with...."

You're a genius.

I thought we weren't gonna use that word.

You are really, really super fucking smart. "I'd like it to be bad."

I'm glad you found something that inspires you.

Inspires me?

It overwhelms me. I literally cannot sleep or eat.

All I want I do is write.

I mean, I almost didn't come here today because I didn't wanna be away from her.

Oh, God. What?

Oh, my God. Oh, I can't say it out loud.

It's too stupid. I love it when you say stupid things.

Oh, no, this is really profoundly stupid. Okay.

Ugh.

Okay, so the guy I'm writing....