An Unsympathetic Gentleman

Dorset Hall was bought by the fourth Lord Bassington in 1802

for the princely sum of £3,000.

The eighth Lord Bassington still resides here.

It's only with his kind permission that we're able to visit today.

So… follow me.

The house is famed for its extensive collection of antiquities,

which led Lord Byron to quip

that it made the British Museum look like a knickknack shop.

Highlights include

the priceless collection of ivory chess pieces

that date back to the Byzantine era,

an ancient Egyptian sarcophagus, and--

And the, uh, sacred headdress

of the Aboriginal tribe known as the Waka Waka.

Clear off!

I'll have no lizards in my house!

You hear me?

No fucking lizards…

You know what it is, James?

I'm angry. I'll tell you what really champs my giblets.

I should be an asset to them. They should want me around. I'm smart.

I'm a smart guy. I've got grades. It's…

It blows my mind, man.

I screw up one time… maybe a couple, two, three times,

all of a sudden, I'm persona non gratis, not wanted, en voyage.

It's… it's insane.

-It's ridiculous, is what it is, James. -Freddy.

Just chill out, man.

Maybe I don't wanna chill out, James.

Maybe… maybe I need to get out of here. What do you say? You and me.

I can't, bruv. I've gotta meet someone.

Or more like something. Something special.

You know what?

-Oh, whoa! What are you doing? Freddy! - I'm staying right here.

Oorah!

Freddy!

Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

As part of a general push to increase productivity,

we've decided to expand our operation on your estate.

The new weed farm would be underground,

but we'd be using the stables for access and somewhere to keep the gennies.

No, Susie. It's not happening.

We agreed to move out on the proviso that you'd help us make more money.

So while we await a detailed breakdown of your new business plan,

I am simply cracking on.

Do it somewhere else. Do it on one of your many other holdings.

What I do with other properties in my portfolio

isn't something you should worry about.

What I'm worried about is the fact that we agreed a timeline for your exit,

and now you're talking about expanding your operation on my estate.

Freddy's gone fishing.

-Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo! -

Great. Stay in touch.

Not the stables, darling.

They're of significant historical importance.

Mother, Anne Boleyn didn't change her horses there

on her way to visit Henry VIII.

By the time they were built, she'd been a headless corpse for 300 years.

-Well, they may have been updated. - It doesn't matter.

I'm not gonna let them expand their operation on the grounds.

Would you like me to have a word with Susie Glass?

You know I can be quite persuasive when I need to be.

No, Mother. I don't want you getting involved with these people.

I've seen the effect it's had on Freddy.

Yes, and the sooner you get rid of them, the better.

I just need to figure out a way of making them more money

with a little less fuss.

Now, come on.

Nothing like a good funeral to put things in perspective.

Let not your heart be troubled.

Ye believe in God, believe also in me.

In my Father's house are many rooms.

If it were not so, I would have told you.

I go to prepare a place for you.

And if I go and prepare a place for you…

What's with the window?

Oh, it was in his will.

Apparently, he wanted to be buried standing up,

sticking out of the ground, so he could have a view of the house.

Well, that's unpleasant.

Oh, that's the son there, Max.

Hmm.

He was one of Freddy's acting chums from Durham.

If you think you've seen him before,

he did an advert for shampoo that was everywhere.

No man cometh unto the Father, but by me.

If ye had known me,

ye should have known my Father…

He's going to inherit the entire estate?

Yes.

The house, the debts, the financial burden.

You two have a lot in common in that respect.

["Non, Je Ne Regrette Rien" by Edith Piaf playing]

Hello, Rosie.

How's your tummy?

-My tummy's fine. Thank you for asking. -You ought to be more careful.

I might not be around to help you next time.

Hopefully, there won't be a next time.

How's your American friend?

You're not jealous, are you?

A little protective, perhaps.

Well, that's very sweet of you.

-But I can look after myself. - Oh, I'm sure you can.

But I'd be wary of Mr. Johnston.

Behind the air of pomposity, there's a man you don't wanna fuck with.

Speak for yourself, Eddie.

How well do you know the son?

Oh, Max.

He's rather lovely. He's your classic struggling artist.

Just a little too desperate to be discovered.

Ever since his father died, he's been like a bird with a broken wing.

Would you introduce me?

You're up to something, Eddie.

Never.

I remember Freddy. The year above me at Durham.

He was a bloody good Demetrius.

Midsummer Night's Dream. I was Lysander.

He should have stuck at it. Seriously, he could've walked into RADA.

Oh, Freddy has many talents, but sticking isn't one of them.

I heard you've been getting a lot of work.

Oh, well, can't complain.

Acting is like any great art form.

It's the paradoxical reconciliation of our dualistic identities

to recognize ironic beauty concealed within the malign.

Though there's easier ways of making a living, God knows.

Max, darling, you have my sympathies.

Now I must go and rescue my mother.

I wanted to offer my condolences. I recently lost my own father.

-A right kick in the balls, isn't it? - Certainly.

Then add to that the inheritance tax, which is ludicrous.

When I found out the running costs, I thought they were fucking joking.

Could've been the same for me.

Fortunately, my father made… certain provisions.

You know, uh,

it may be worth you and I sitting down, actually.

There's a small business opportunity that… might be of help to you.

Supply a product that is highly profitable,

totally unregulated,

inherently benign, and incredibly popular.

I'm warming to this, Eddie. I really am.

It's the kind of risk-reward relationship I could get on board with.

Free market, fucking great.

Lack of regulation, check.

No taxation? Yeah, baby.

Smidge of illegality?

Yeah, well, no business plan's perfect.

There is, however, one tiny little

reputational obstacle that we need to navigate

before we could proceed,

and it's… it's slightly delicate.

Well, I can be extremely discreet if necessary.

You must remember, your father and mine, they used to fish for salmon on the Spey.

That's right.

And that matters,

particularly as it's my father who's the cause

of this specific challenge.

I have in my possession a series of documents

detailing the purchase of a particularly salacious artifact.

If these documents were ever to come to light,

they would cause considerable scandal.

In return for £500,000, I will hand them over to you.

If not, I will be forced to pass them on to the nation's press.

Do not make the mistake of underestimating me.

Can't you just ignore it?

Your father clearly had some demons. Whatever he did dies with him.

I'm about to have a second audition for a role in a major Hollywood movie.

But, as you can see,

any kind of hoo-ha is gonna seriously torpedo my chances.

You've clearly got some… connections,

and I imagine they would come replete

with the necessary skill set to deal with this situation.

Here's how I see it going.

You make contact with the blackmailer.

You bring them, and whatever evidence they have, back here,

I'll take a look, make sure it's the real deal, destroy it,

and then… you can help me convince them never to darken my door again.

There is, um, one more thing I would, uh, just ask, Eddie.

When you lay your hands on the file,

I'd really appreciate it if you didn't look inside.

Whatever secrets my father had, I'd appreciate it if they stayed secret.

A matter of respect for the deceased.

Whatever is in the file is none of my concern.

Your father's secrets will remain secret. You have my word.

But let's be clear.

If I do this for you,

then we have an agreement.

If you can make this problem go away,

you and your criminal associates can turn this place

into the Hanging Gardens of the Original Rude Boy Ganja Man

for all I care.

Uh…

I, um…

I… I thought you might like some refreshment.