Peep Show

'Life's all pain. Pain, rejection and gloom.

'Why do we pretend there's not a yawning blankness at the heart of...

'Hey, 330/0 extra free. I am doing excellent shopping.

'My depression means I'm being even more frugal than normal. '

- Mark! - Hey, Jeremy.

You realise tinned food is just for crackheads and wars?

Oh, no, mate,

- this stuff's 78 pence a 100ml. - Yeah, it's first pressing.

You don't wait until everyone else has had fun with the olives.

Fourth pressing, that's a party in your mouth!

Look, we've been through this before,

I do the joint shopping solo because I don't make impulse purchases and...

Mark! I'm not shopping, I just came to tell you

that we've been invited to a very wicked party.

Do I look like a man who goes to wicked parties? Ask Toni.

I did, actually, but she said no.

But it's better this way - two lads.

We've got to get out there, grooving, doing it, you know?

It's been a long time for either of us.

I haven't had my oats in something like... two weeks.

'Nine months and 13 days. '

Look, people will think we spend the whole time wanking.

Don't be ridiculous, they're for wiping up mess.

Yeah, man mess. That's why they're mansize.

They're for men - men's noses, big manly snot.

Oh, Mark, come on, man, let it go.

What?

Why do you have to have a huge can of lager that makes you really drunk?

What if you want to get Sophie home and get her all lathered up?

That's not going to happen.

- Oh, shit, did you...? - Mm-hm.

And she...?

I mean, it's not a date or anything because I've got a mega-pass.

How do you feel about row G?

- Tonight? - Yeah, I thought...

Oh, Mark, listen, I'm sorry, I'd love to but, er...

I've got this... thing.

Oh, man, I'm... But listen, this is the perfect time to get back in the game.

You know? Two guys, together, out, looking for... it.

No, thank you.

How much pain can I experience at home with spaghetti carbonara and Das Boot?

Look, it's Friday night, most people don't do their shopping now,

- they're out right now. - Right. No queues.

So who exactly is winning, eh?

'OK, well, I'm here so I'll just sit here and drink.

'No one can stop me doing that.

'Just drink myself to death.

'I bet he gets sex tonight and I have to listen to it through the wall.

'Maybe she might go to the bathroom and accidentally come into my room.

'And what? She fucks you? No, she says "whoops" and goes out.

'Stop doing this to yourself. '

So, safe party, yeah?

Super safe!

'OK, playing it cool, huh?

'All right, how about I go a little Oscar Wilde on your ass? '

I always go for the first pressing.

I mean, why wait until everyone else has had fun with the olives, right?

'What's her problem? This is the 21 st century.

'Olive oil is an acceptable topic. '

'Someone here's got psoriasis.

'One of the less common skin ailments. Yeast infection.

'Thrush if you're thinking glamorous, athlete's foot if you're not.

'A fellow migraine sufferer.

'Everyone at this party isn't as young, fit and single as they make out.

'Let's face it, we're all falling apart piece by piece.

'Doesn't matter if you're single or in a couple,

'you... are... going... to... die. '

Er... frozen stuff.

I, er, don't want them to, you know, thaw.

Hey! You got Findus Crispy Pancakes - I love them!

They're just so... disgusting, aren't they?

Er, yeah.

My sister, who's a smackhead, I ended up there for Christmas dinner

and we had turkey Findus Crispy Pancakes. I wanted to kill myself.

That would be the natural reaction.

- Can I have a jam doughnut? - Er, yeah, sure.

So who are you trying to bone tonight?

Oh, I'm not in the game. If I can get my shopping home intact I'll be happy.

Just like, be honest about it.

I mean, let's line up, two naked rows,

best-looking people can pick the best-looking,

the dregs get the dregs and we can get it over with.

That's a very attractive system you're proposing.

And it saves them having to humiliate themselves. Check out this guy.

Yeah.

'Knew this would pay off. Talking's bullshit.

"'Yeah, I did this. I go there. "

'OK, there's a new guy in town. Probably just a friend.

'Yeah. Me, her and her friend. Kind of nice really.

'H-Hey! That's a foul! Fuck!

'God, she must be loving this. I feel so cheap.

'I really thought we had something. '

So you work in an office and you've got, like, your computer and your desk...

God, that is so fucking weird!

Yeah, well, you know, everything's decaying,

so the way I see it has there ever been a better time

to save up for a very comfortable sofa?

'She's a teenager, Mark. You'll get castrated by the menfolk.

'Maybe she's a...

- 'Oh, God. ' - Hey! Love the suit!

Are you selling insurance?

No need to look like you're sittin' on a brush, man, we're only razzin' ya.

? We are the mods ? We are the mods

? We are, we are, we are the mods?

My brother is such a dickhead. I wish he was dead.

That's a bit much. Just pretend you need his bone marrow. That's agony.

'She's snogging him already. The dream is over, I am detritus. '

Hey, Jez! I just wanted to tell you, we're going.

- To the Lazer Bowl. - The Lazer Bowl?

Yeah, me and Valerie. We were gonna kill her brother

but we thought the Lazer Bowl would be more fun.

Me, you and Valerie are going to the Lazer Bowl?

I hadn't thought you would be. See you later at home?

Do you think... Would you mind taking the shopping?

I've left some stuff in the freezer compartment.

Hey, maybe I could bring someone along?

Er... I mean...

- I guess. - I'll call Toni.

Yeah, no, this is perfect, cos I'll just say,

"Hey, me, Mark and Valerie are off down the Lazer Bowl, do you wanna come?"

- And she'll be, like, "Hell, yeah!" - You think so?

So he was all, you want a piece of the action?

And I was all, hell, yeah! I mean, this is definitely not the rehearsal.

Why not go to the Lazer Bowl with the kid next door?

'I've got to take Jeremy's advice more often.

'I'm on a date with a teenage goth, smoking pot in the Lazer Bowl toilets.

'This is it. This is literally it.

'This is what people do when they're having a good time. '

Um... er... I don't know.

It's good stuff, Mark.

I strongly advise you to toke it.

Erm, do you want me to give you blowback?

What, here?

'Oh, my God, it's the last days of Rome! '

Sure, open your mouth and breathe in when I click my fingers.

Wow!

'I've been initiated. I am a drug user. Fuck the police! '

This is it, mate. We're having it.

Jez, the faces, the faces.

I feel... strange.

Do you? Follow the fingers...

Don't poke my eyes! Don't poke my eyes!

- Are you getting visuals? - What if I lose it?

I'm not gonna do a poo, am I, Jez?

Of course not. Look, everything's going brilliantly.

We've got to work together as a team.

Work things up into a bit of a lather, yeah? Follow my lead.

'Jez is so great. He's like an idiot savant but not so stupid.

'I bet he's totally sorting this whole night for us right now. '

'I could say we've got huge cocks - might be the clincher. '

This is great, isn't it?

This is so... it.

I am having a just great time.

Great!

So, girls, what's the weirdest place you've ever...

done it.

I had a steward eat me at Dubai airport. God, that was depressing.

Yeah, right.

Valerie, how about you?

I believe true love waits.

Uh-huh, yeah. Me too.

Er, Jesus, I'm kidding.

Yeah, right, obviously, no.

Me too.

OK, so, what's everyone's favourite record?

Jesus, what was all that about?

I guess she just really likes Sledgehammer.

I mean, that's a shit song, right?

Yeah.

'Forgive me, Peter. '

- I mean, it's so outdated. - Exactly!

And suddenly I'm up in front of the middle-aged court

for crimes against being an old fucker.

What's her problem? I've never heard of Level 42 either.

'Guys, I'm so sorry. '

Hey, gutter boy, you are allowed to hit the pins!

- You are? - In some bowling alleys it's encouraged.

I didn't want to disturb them.

That's kind of you, quite the gentleman.

Hey, spread 'em!

Wah-hoo!

'Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. '

- Hi, Mark - Hi, Sophie, er...

- This is Valerie. - Hi.

- How's it going? - Good, thanks, and you two?

Oh, yeah, yeah, fine. Er...

I... Valerie and I, er...

I mean, we just met at a party

and we thought, you know, we'd come here for a few... bowls.

And I'm high, obviously.

How about you?