Cockneys vs Zombies

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Davvers! Davvers! Stop! Cut it!

Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop!

What is it? Roman stuff?

Can't be Roman. They didn't have kings. They had emperors and shit.

My mate was on a site last year,

said they found a load of Roman coins that was worth tons.

It's not fucking Roman, you muppet!

It might have other stuff.

- Yeah, like what? - Gold and stuff.

Ugh... Stinks down here.

- Does now. - Argh... Davvers!

- Whoa... - Bloody hell.

It's a graveyard.

It's a plague pit, more like!

We can't nick stuff from a graveyard.

- Can we? - I don't care.

They dead already, ain't they?

What was that?

Probably just wind or summat.

Jesus! Don't do that!

That was classic. Your face...

We better go... tell the boss what we found.

What? What's the matter? You scared of a few skeletons?

Wooah! Wooo! I'm a ghost. Wooooo! God, you're such a pansy!

Piss off!

- Um, be... behind ja... - Yeah, ooh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah...

- Like I'm gonna fall for that one. - No, seriously. Mate! Behind ja!

Get it off me!

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- You paid cash? - Yeah

Used a false name?

Yes, just like you said.

Where the fuck did you get it, mate? A bomb site?

Why can't we use our car anyway?

'Cause they'll trace it back to us, won't they?

This is clean.

If this even starts at all. Have you tried it?

No.

Okay, Andy, two problems here, uh... One, it doesn't start.

And two, there's a dirty, filthy, cummy sock... in there.

Say, let's see what happens.

Oh, yeah!

Come on, let's go and magic us a full breakfast, yeah?

Look, I'm just saying,

I don't want the van to conk out on us in the middle of a job, that's all.

B-elax, we'll be fine.

Yeah, you say that 'cause you're a jammy git.

If you fell off that building right there,

and landed into a thin bull full of shit,

you'd come out smelling of roses, with frayed birds on your arms.

Yeah, that's 'cause I'm a gay Jamaican. That's talent, ace.

A talent for getting us into trouble.

When have I ever got us into trouble?

Yeah, I'll take you all on! And so will my fucking brother! You dirty pikeys!

You do not want to mess with me and my fucking brother!

- Fucking what?! - Terry!

Yeah, well, they were asking for it. I had to stick up for meself.

Look, all I'm saying is that you've got to be really careful about...

Jesus Christ!

- All right, Mickey? - Hello, mate.

Why wouldn't I be all right, huh?

You saying I'm some sorta nut roll or something?

No... just saying...

- He's joking. - Your face...

So, we still on for 2 o'clock or what?

Yeah, that we are. We are still on for 2 o'clock.

I mean, you've heard what happens when people mess me about.

Fucking mug! You... fucking mug!...

We heard about that, yeah, yeah.

Good.

So, don't mess me about.

Beautiful motor this is, gents.

Oh, cheers, mate, yeah. It's a nice one, yeah, yeah...

Top of the range, this is, right? Yeah.

RIGHT!

Be lucky, yeah?

Right.

He's just dented my fucking car with his head.

He's got a steel plate in there. Iraq war injury.

Buried in there to remove part of his brain or something.

The part that stops him from being a fucking psychopath.

"Be lucky".

Mate, he's the man for the job.

- Yeah, you sure? - He's the man.

Eddie, I told you not to call this number. It'll leave a record.

They're on to us. I'll need to move the cash.

Can you get it ready? I'll send someone over to pick it up.

What? All of it? But there's two and a ha...

Listen! They're sending send inspectors. I want all that away.

You have the forms ready?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Davvers! Greg! Got a job for ya!

Davvers! Greg! Where are you, you pair of tits?

Oi! Get the fuck out of it! You two-bob toe rags.

I told you! You come 'round here again, I'm gonna slap a shit out of ya!

Well, now it's time to pay the piper.

Hey, listen, old man. You behave yourself,

before me and my boys fuck you up, ja understand?

Leave it out, Ray. You're driving away all my customers!

You're supposed to take your pills! Not sell up to these mugs!

Well, I've got to earn a crust, don't I?

Here you are, lads, gather 'round.

I've got it in here, look. I've got sleeping pills...

Here they are, slower than the army!

All right, granddad?

Don't call me granddad! I have told you, it makes me sound old!

But you're old.

Yes? How's that for old, eh?

You're late again! The Macguire genes must have passed youse two by.

Your mum and dad will be spinning in their graves! God rest their souls.

Yeah, they were cremated though, weren't they, granddad?

Don't give me none of your back-sass!

All right.

Now, come on! There's people in there waiting for their dinners!

All right.

- Hello... - All right, how're you doing?

It's high time youse two got a proper job.

This is a proper job.

When I was 15, I lied about my age, so's I could sign up,

and fight the fuckin' Nazis.

Argh! I've heard of you Nazi mugs! Let's fucking have it!

What are youse two fighting? Traffic?

We do okay.

Okay? Let me mark your card, sunshine.

Delivering 'Meals on Wheels' to old-age pensioners ain't a lifetime profession.

Look atcha! You're about as much use, as an ashtray on a motorbike!

Leave 'em alone, Ray! They're doing the best they can. Aren't you, boys?

Yes, Doreen.

Um, I was wondering, my window, the catch keeps slipping,

and I was wondering if one of you big, strong boys could come and...

ooh... force it open?

I think Andy is big and strong. He's up for fixing a window, aren't you, Andy?

Oh, Andy. Dinnae one do without cha?

Oh... See you later.

See you later, Doreen. Say "bye," Andy.

Bye, Doreen.

- Yeah, mate, mate, - Mate, mate, mate...

you're gonna get lucky today, I tell you what.

Bit of experience might that be...

Every time. Every fucking time.

I know you're gonna be knocking this place down in a few weeks time,

but do you feel the need to rub it in?

There's people here about to have their dinner. You yuppie twat!

Look, I really need to get these measurements, okay?

If you don't sling your hook in 5 seconds time,

I'm gonna ram that fucking clipboard so far up your "Aries",

you're gonna have to shove your pen up your nose to write on it!

- 5, 4, 3, 2, 1! - All right... All right! All right!

There you go.

All right, Ray? Is it okay if I sit with you?

You sit where you like, sweetheart.

So, where they sending you when this place closes?

Oh, some place up north. Bradford, I suppose.

Somewhere full of northern monkeys.

- It's nice up north. - I wouldn't know.

I've never been further north than Walthamstow dog track,

and that's far enough for me.

Do you want this one, or do you want that one?

Oh, you take that one. You help yourself.

Are you going to the concert today?

What else am I gonna do while I'm in here?

Sit around, waiting for the Grim Reaper to come, and...

put us all out of our misery?

Got any fillet steak?

Just what you see, mate.

Mate? Are you being disrespectful, son?

No, Darryl.

Mr. Cooper is what you call me.

You want to be careful what you say, I could have you killed.

All your gangster mates are dead. How're you gonna get someone killed?

Advertise in 'Exchange and Mart'?

I could have you done and all. I know people, I do.

But go on, hurry up! Me stomach thinks me "apples and pears" being cut.

Your "stairs" are being cut?

No, me "apples and pears"; me "throat".

"Apples and pears" means "stairs".

Take no notice of him, he gets everything boxed up.

Apples and pears; cares. Cares and woes; nose.

Nose in me boat (boat=boat race=face); throat.

Don't you talk English?

Makes sense to me, Eric. There you are.

They don't get better than never.

Lunch, Hamish.

- Come on! - Oh, all right.

I'd rather have a nap...

- with you. - Oi! You cheeky bugger.

Yeah, I wouldn't worry.

They're gonna tear the place down in a couple of weeks.

Yeah. Okay. Speak to them. Bye.

You really think we can do this?

Ain't got a choice, mate. I mean, look at this idiot.

We don't do anything, this guy is gonna knock down granddad's care home.

What would mum and dad have done?

Life's gonna throw a lot at you, 'cause of who you are, where you're from.

See, some people don't respect us, the working class.

Don't you dare, ever, let anyone put you down, all right?

You can be anything you want,

long as you work hard, stick together as a family.

Always stand up for what's right, yeah?