The War with Grandpa

This year is gonna suck.

How do you know that?

Oops. That happened.

Call it a hunch.

Ew.

Last year, we were kings.

Fifth-graders. We ruled that school.

This year, nobody likes us.

That is true.

Speak for yourself. I'll be fine.

I got a mustache coming in.

- I don't see it. - Nope.

- Mmm-mmm. - Nope.

- Uh-uh. - No one's got it worse than me.

See that girl over there?

She's gonna torture me every chance she gets.

Wait a sec. Isn't that your sister?

Yeah.

At least you guys have your own rooms.

My grandfather stole mine.

Wait. Your grandpa moved in with you guys?

When did that happen?

Ever since he robbed that grocery store.

Can I help you, sir?

- You can help me find Maria. - Oh, Maria's gone.

We're completely self-checkout now.

Much faster. Much more efficient.

I think you'll like it.

So, are the prices gonna be lower

because I'm doing all the work now?

We have everyday low prices here, sir.

- Every day. - Every day?

- Every day. - Get out of my way. Get out of my way.

Oh, no problem.

Whoa!

Please scan your item.

I'm talking to a robot.

Please scan your item.

I just did.

See if this thing...

Please scan your item.

You're very boring.

Please scan your item.

Yeah, right.

Sir!

Sir?

Sir, I need you to stop. Hey!

Whoa! Oh, hey!

Sir, let me help you.

- You hurt my leg! Get away! - Come on, sir.

Get out of the way! I'm a senior citizen!

- Get out of here! - I know judo.

Leave that poor man alone!

- Whoa! - Your pharmacy stinks!

Are you're insane. Stop!

Oh, I see. Y'all want to bring it on.

You want to bring it on?

Treat us with respect!

Oh!

That's all you got?

Now, that hurt.

Hey, there's my girl.

You didn't have to come all this way.

I told you I was fine.

What happened to the mailbox?

Oh, that. Some idiot took it out.

Oh, crap.

Dad, you're driving again, aren't you?

You lost your license. Remember?

No, I didn't lose it. I forgot to renew it.

So now I have to retake the test again. Which is idiotic!

Because I've been driving for over 50 years.

I mean, what am I supposed to do? Starve to death?

I'm coming in.

This can't keep happening.

Don't worry, I'm never going back to that damn store again.

No, I mean the part about,

I have to leave the dealership early,

Drive two hours each way just to check on you.

I didn't ask you to come!

No, you didn't! The police did.

Dad, I want to come. I want to be there for you.

But maybe this is

now the time, that we have to consider...

No. I am not moving.

I built this house,

I'm gonna die in this house!

And that's it. And you're not putting me in a home.

What if it were our home?

What are you talking about?

Fish and relatives stink after three days.

That's a horrible idea. We'll kill each other.

It ain't working. No, sorry.

Dad...

I miss her, too.

And, and that's not gonna change

by moving me out of my house and sticking me in yours.

Oh, God.

Well, maybe we could miss her together.

Yeah, maybe.

But you don't have the room in your house anyway.

Where would you even put me?

The attic? No way!

Come on, buddy, don't make this harder than it already is.

It's the only choice.

Ooh!

Dad, if it's the only choice, then it isn't a choice at all.

'Cause a choice means you get to pick between at least two things.

And this is one thing.

Unless the other thing is I get to sleep in the yard and get eaten by a bear.

Don't be so dramatic, Peter.

Besides, your sisters already share a room.

Yeah, well, Sarah told me you said that.

Christmastime is here No, I know she exaggerates, but...

Happiness and cheer... No, you stop. Hold on.

Shh!

Shh!

Shh!

Shh!

Shh!

Shh!

- Shh! - Shh!

- Shh! - Shh!

- Shh! - Shh! Shh!

Shh!

Hey, what's up?

Shh!

Plus, the attic doesn't have a bathroom.

And Grandpa can't do all those stairs.

And the basement... is the basement.

Ha!

What?

My Jordans.

I just put in fresh laces.

Hey, Peter. Do you need help moving upstairs?

Get out! It's still my room!

- Hmm. - Not for long.

Go away! Go, go, go.

Look, Peter, I know this is not ideal,

but we're a family,

and you have to make sacrifices for each other.

Sometimes very big sacrifices.

Look, sweetheart, the attic is bigger than this room.

Once you move in, then that will be your room.

No, it won't.

It'll be the attic,

where you put stuff and forget it,

just like our old TV,

or the exercise bike that Dad used once.

- True. - I exercise. What?

Look, think about it as a fresh new start.

All right? We'll dust everything off,

put some new paint up everywhere.

Give you a chance to... clean out your turtle tank.

- Huh? - They like it like that.

Gives them privacy.

Does this still fit you, sweetie?

Yes.

Grandpa!

Grandpa's here, Grandpa's here

Grandpa all the way

Oh, what fun it is to have a Grandpa come and stay, hey

Hey! Now, remember,

we don't want to overwhelm Grandpa, okay?

So let's let him get settled in.

There'll be plenty of time to talk to him tonight at dinner. Okay?

Oh, I'm not gonna be here.

- What? - What? I'm studying with Russell.

"Studying" still means studying, right?

It's not slang for something else?

No, Dad, "studying" still means studying.

And I already cleared it with Mom.

- Grandpa! - Jenny!

Don't body-slam.

- Hi, Grandpa. - Hello, sweetheart.

- Ed. - Artie.

Where's your brother?

Peter?

Peter!

Peter?

Kids, let's help, uh, Grandpa get his bags.

- Okay. I got this. - I got it.

Okay. It just... It's right over here.

You know, he called me Artie again.

Please, Arthur.

This isn't easy for him.

Hey, Grandpa.

Hey! There he is! Look at you.

Look at you. You're sprouting up like a weed.

Oh. Nice sneakers.

Thanks. How do you like your room?

It looks nice.