South Park

This is an outrage!

This a violation of our human rights!

Dude, what the hell is going on?

You didn't hear the announcement?

They just canceled Columbus Day.

We have to come to school on Monday!

They what?!

They can't do this! We made plans!

Some asshole went and convinced the school board

that Columbus Day is racist and should be eliminated.

You can't take away a day off.

We're just innocent children!

Dude. What asshole would take away a holiday?

My name is Peter Galtman.

I am the head of the school calendar committee.

I have decided the school

will not celebrate Columbus Day this year.

I realize this is

a hot-button issue for many families,

but one parent in particular

has really swayed my opinion with his passion --

Mr. Randy Marsh.

Mr. Marsh pointed out to me the hypocrisy

of glorifying a genocidal murderer.

And Mr. Marsh is, right now, also working

on having the Columbus statue taken down in Canyon City.

Come on, everybody!

Let's take this fuckin' thing down!

Yeah!! Yeah!

Take it down!

Columbus was a mass murderer!

Tear it down! Tear it down!

Yeah!

Okay, it's not working.

We almost got it, guys!

Come on! Throw the rope, Stan!

Good. That's good!

Okay, hit the gas, Nelson!

We got it, everybody!

To hell with you, Columbus, you --

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Hey, dude.

Dude, did you know it's your dad

who's getting the school to cancel Columbus Day?

Yeah. Dude, I don't know what's going on.

He's really serious about this.

Well, you got to do something.

If you get him to back down,

maybe the school will reconsider.

I can't get him to back down.

Stan, I have to deal with my mom

doing shit like this all the time,

but she's never tried to take away a holiday.

I'm your best friend, but I can't have your back

when the guys find out about this.

I'll try, okay?

I got to go.

Okay, Stan. you got your phone?

We need to call everyone on this list.

They all live in the same city.

Dad, listen, you need to ease off a little here, okay?

Stan, it's not right that people celebrate a man

who wiped out millions of people

for his own glory. Let's go.

Hello, is this, uh, Howard Peterson?

You live in Columbus, Ohio. Is that correct?

Yeah? You racist piece of shit.

You heard me.

You're an intolerant pig.

Oh, you're not?

You just choose to live in a city named for ethnic cleansing?

No, fuck you.

Rename your city, asshole.

Hello?

Okay, next one. Come on. Get calling, Stan.

Dad, come on.

We all get your point,

but don't you think you're overdoing it?

You have to overdo it in today's society, Stan.

You can't be nuanced and subtle anymore

or else critics go, "Wow, what was the point of that?"

Hi, Francis Melman?

Hey! How are you, you fuckin' racist?

Reporter: Christopher Columbus --

explorer, pioneer.

Is he someone who should be appreciated?

Or was he just a douche?

For years. Columbus Circle has been a landmark

and photogenic intersection in New York City.

So it came as a surprise

when someone defecated on the statue earlier today.

I'm joined now by the man who did the actual defecating,

Mr. Randy Marsh of South Park, Colorado.

Good evening!

Mr. Marsh, you took a dump on the beloved statue that

has been an icon here in the city for years.

What was your reasoning?

Well, I just have a problem

with the racist people of this city.

"Yee-haw! I'm from New York.

I drive around a big circle

that celebrates a guy who murdered Native Americans.

Shoo wee!"

So, you're doing this because of indigenous peoples

and their feelings?

I don't care if people get indigenous.

I'll crap all over their statues.

I'm the one who's indigenous that this landmark even exists!

Uh, uh... ba-back to you, Tom.

It ain't right.

They make you work like a dog

and then just tear away your one day off in October

like you're a piece of trash.

Hey, guys.

Boo! Boo! Nobody likes you, Stan.

Look, I tried talking to him, all right? He's just really against all the things Columbus did.

Does anybody know what Columbus actually did?

Yeah. In 1492, Columbus got us a day off school.

That's what matters.

No. No, wait, guys. Maybe that's it.

When I'm dealing with my mom,

sometimes it works to be on her side for a minute.

Maybe we should find out all the things

people find offensive about Columbus and --

And then totally act like we care.

I like it, Kyle.

I'll just look up "Columbus, offensive, inflammatory..."

Yeah, this is sweet.

It's like that movie where the dude pretended to be on the monster's side.

You know, with the guy and the chick that had the wife beater on,

but her boobs were sweaty so you could see them.

Oh, I love that movie!

Yeah, this is a lot like that.

What'd you find, Kyle?

Nothing.

Dang it! There's nothing?

Stan, can I talk to you for a minute?

What? What? What the hell was that?

Hey, Dad?

Not now, Stan.

I'm working on a proposal

to change British Colombia to just British.

But, Dad, Kyle found a picture on Instagram.

It pretty much looks like you

dressed as Columbus at a Halloween party.

Where did you get that?

If you hate Columbus so much,

why'd you dress up like him?

Look, that was a long time ago. Okay?

Just a dumb Halloween costume.

Yeah, but... here's you

dressed as Columbus at a formal dinner,

and here's you dressed as Columbus

at a football game.

And you as Columbus on St. Patrick's day.

Look, I was younger! We were all younger.

It was another time.

You have to understand, it was 2013.

Everyone was stoked on Columbus back then.

Yeah, but, Dad, you seem to be really stoked on Columbus.

If you guys found those pictures online,

it's only a matter of time before everyone else does.

People won't care about what I do now.

They'll just see me

as a thoughtless, indigenous son of a bitch.

Randy, do you mind cleaning out the garage like I asked?

What's the point, Sharon?

Soon they're gonna be coming after me.

Ugh.

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