Family Ties

Elyse: And now, direct from the Keaton household,

the moment you've all been waiting for,

the lighting of the Christmas tree!

Oh, it's beautiful!

Mallory: You sure know how to pick them, dad.

Steven: Thank you, thank you.

Oh, this is the best ever.

It must have taken you a long time

to pick this one out. No, no, no.

I knew this was the one for us

the moment I backed into it with the car.

We get more things that way.

Oh, look, it's starting to snow!

Oh, that's perfect. Snow on Christmas Eve.

Mwah! What could be better?

They can put a man on the Moon,

but they can't stop this white slop

from falling out of the sky.

Merry Christmas to you, too, Alex.

Take it easy with the merry christmases, will ya, ma?

This holiday is a silly, sentimental farce.

It's phony.

People just pretend to have this so-called Christmas spirit.

We can't all have this natural yuletide verve

that you possess.

Did you remember to get the cough syrup for Jennifer?

No, I forgot. I'll, uh... I'll get it tomorrow.

Tomorrow's Christmas, Alex.

Yeah, so?

So the stores will be closed.

All day?

Boy, this thing is really getting out of hand.

Look, sorry I forgot. I'll tell you what.

If this thing gets any worse, I'll, uh...

I'll take you to the emergency room myself.

All right, but don't try to count that as my present.

Can't beat the present he gave me last year.

I gave you a present last year?

Yeah, you took the garbage out for me.

Right, right. Well, uh...

Don't expect any of that sloppy sentiment this year.

Oh, that reminds me.

Listen, I know it's kind of late,

but can we make an arrangement here?

Uh, I say we don't exchange gifts this year, huh?

How about it?

That's a heartwarming thought, Alex,

but, uh, we've already got our gifts for you.

Ah!

You know, Alex, just because you're an old scrooge,

why do the rest of us have to suffer?

Because we're family, Jennifer.

We do things together.

All right, I think it is time to take a picture.

Everybody, take your positions

for the traditional Keaton Christmas photo.

Elyse: Come on, join us, Alex.

You know your spot. Come on, Alex.

The timer is set. You've got 11 seconds.

Forget it. Forget it.

I refuse to participate in this ridiculous ceremony

for a ridiculous holiday.

Elyse: Oh, come on.

I can't believe you guys. The same old stupid poses.

Oh, and, uh, don't try airbrushing me in later.

Alex...

All: Merry Christmas.

Christmas cheer.

Who needs it?

Just another holiday.

You don't see people falling all over themselves

on Columbus day.

What?

Hey! Boy: Hi, Mr. Keaton!

Christmas cheer to you, sir.

Get off the lawn before I call the cops.

And take the rest of those clowns with you.

Oh, sorry, reverend.

Reverend: Seasons greetings.

God bless you, Alex.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What is wrong with these people?

You show them a little snow,

they break into song about chestnuts nipping at your nose.

Christmas.

Bah, humbug!

What?

Who's there?

Jennifer, what are you doing here?

I am not Jennifer.

I am the ghost of Christmas past.

Yeah, and I'm Ed McMahon.

Look get out of here, will you?

You're smoking up the whole room.

On second thought, why don't you sit down?

Arise, Alex, and come hither,

for I am charged with showing you

the true meaning of Christmas.

Hey, I'm not coming hither.

Unh-unh. No way.

Alex, come hither.

I'm coming hither.

I'm hither.

A ghost, huh?

Of course I'm a ghost.

If I were a person, I would have come through the door.

Where are we going?

Just grab my sleeve.

We're going to a place you know.

Hey, look out for the wall. Wah!

Whoa!

The living room?

You got me out of bed to show me the living room?

Wait a minute. What's with this furniture?

This isn't our living room.

Yes, it is... 10 years ago on Christmas morning.

it's me... Alex.

She can't hear you, Alex. She can't see you, either.

Oh, mom, I've been looking all over for you.

Hey. Hey, that's me!

Ha! That's me!

I finished balancing your checkbook, mom.

Oh! Thank you, Alex.

I started on your tax returns,

but I can't do much until you get your W-2s.

I don't want a repeat of what happened last year.

Yeah, I'm sorry about that, Alex.

That was our fault.

Yeah, but I'm the one that sweated out the audit.

Alex: That's Mallory.

Mommy, can we open up presents now?

Please, please, please, please, please?

She always had a way with words.

In a minute, honey.

Mallory, all you think about are opening the presents.

Can you please exercise a little discipline

and self-control?

I already exercised today, so there, Alex!

Never was an even match, was it?

Alex, please don't turn on the TV.

We're gonna open the presents in a minute.

Mom, this won't take long. There's something I have to see.

Man: And further evidence

emerged today linking president Nixon

with the Watergate Break-in of last year.

This is a witch-hunt!

They're persecuting an innocent man.

Look at that. Is that the face of a crook?

Alex, turn off the set.

He's spoiling my Christmas spirit.

Come on, now. Sit up here.

Mallory.

Okay, now can we open the presents?

Please, please, please, please, please?

No, and I'll tell you why.

Because we're expecting a visitor from the North Pole!

Right now!

I said we're gonna have a very special visitor

from the North Pole!

Hey!

Steven: Ho, ho, ho!

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas, everybody!

Well, if it isn't Alex and Mallory Keaton.

Hi, daddy.

Hi, pop.

Getting too smart for me.

I guess I better stick with Jennifer.

Oh, hi, baby!

Ho, ho, ho!

Dada.

You fooled me.

Well, merry Christmas, everybody.

Merry Christmas, dad.

Can we open the presents now?

I'm so excited.

Oh, sure.

Sure.

Well, this one is for Mallory.

And this one is for Alex.

A telephone.

Hello?

Nobody's there.

Good grief.

It's a pretend phone, Mallory.

You can talk on it all day long.

So that's how it began.

Go ahead and open yours now, Alex.

No, you open your presents first.

That's the real joy.

Watching other people enjoy your presents.

Hear that, Alex?