Femme

Please darling,

don't get me straight for going on stage.

Oh wait, the towel, get the towel.

Let's go, babe.

Are you ready? - Yeah.

Oh God!

Come on, we need to get it in.

Come on, squeeze in.

- You know, his daddy wanted him to be a surgeon.

Luckily, your daddy likes me just the way I am.

Oh, my God.

Help us, babe.

And we're in, oh my God, God!

- Yes. - Oh no, no,

there's a pop to do.

- I'm gonna go and watch out front. Break a leg.

- Oh, my God, I love that phrase when I'm wearing heels.

Bye.

Oh, bye.

Bye.

What?

Oh, my God, friends kiss.

I didn't say anything.

Anton, babe.

- Hm? - How long do I have left?

Um, about 20 minutes.

Muah!

Muah, muah! Where have you been?

Where've you been? Oh, my goodness.

- Muah! - I'll see you there, okay.

It's on the left, on the left.

Oh, you scared him away.

He's cute though.

- Meine Damen und Herren, Mesdames et Messieurs,

Ladies,

Gentlemen,

and all zose who transcend gender.

Please give a large hand

and make some fucking noise

for ze one, ze only,

Aphrodite Bang!

Oh no.

You need to say something.

Hello.

You're so obnoxious about it.

- No, fuck off, man. - Go on, do it.

- Hey. - Hey, hey, uncle.

Uncle. - Have some bread sticks.

- No, no, it's all right. - See Preston, man.

Exactly, tarty.

- Uncle! - Oh, man,

is this your fucking fridge, is it?

Is Lydia coming tonight?

They sell fucking alcopops.

Deb, Debs, they're Debs'.

Get some alcopops for Jack, man.

Can I get a bottle of tequila please?

- He fucking loves that stuff. - Yeah.

No, sorry, the one underneath.

Fuck, easy, man!

- Two. - Can you drop these?

- Yeah. - Fuck me.

Hey, hey, is that a bloke?

That's fucked up. - Hey.

- Seriously? - Fucking faggots, man.

Takes one to know one, innit?

What?

Hey, what'd he say?

- Oh, you talking to me? - Thanks.

- Hey, what'd he say? - Next, please.

- 20 Skull, please. - Do you wanna say that

to my face?

He thinks he's a big man in his high heels.

Hey, turn around and say that.

Hey, turn around then.

- Thank you. - Hey, turn around.

- I said, how are you gonna call me a faggot

in front of all of your friends,

when I caught you checking me out earlier?

Oh, shit, hey, do you like know each other?

Fuck off, man, he's chatting shit.

Know each other?

- Hm, babes, don't bother messaging me later,

when you're looking for a dick to suck,

'cause you and your don't-touch-the-sides dick, not my type.

Oh, fuck!

- Hold that for me, yeah, hold that for me.

Oh, he's gone.

What's going on?

- Oi! - Hey, we're rolling.

We're rolling, come.

What you gonna do, Preston?

Hey, this man-woman humiliated you.

Where, where are you going?

Turn around then. - Yeah, turn around

and smile for the camera, please.

Turn around if you're a fucking man.

Hey, fuck him up, bruv.

What'd I say? I said, turn around!

Fuck off!

Uh!

Oh!

Shit! - Fuck!

Think you're a big man, yeah?

- Hey! - Think you're a big man?

What you wearing a fucking dress for,

if you're a fucking big man, huh?

No, no, no!

- Oh-oh! - All right.

- Get on your knees. - No, no, put that away, bruv!

Get on your fucking knees.

Chillax, man, what's wrong with you?

Get on your fucking knees!

Stop it!

Take that fucking dress off! - Put the knife away!

That's it. You getting a load of this, bruv?

- That's enough! - No, it ain't enough.

He's gonna say that to me, yeah?

You gonna say that to me?

- Hey, bruv! - Hold him, hold him, fam!

- Put it back, man! - Who's the big man now, huh?

Who's the fucking big man now? Are you the fucking big man?

- Relax, bruv! - I'm the fucking big man.

Fucking freak.

- Oh, my God, Jesus! - Geez!

My God, Jules.

Jules. - Oh, my God!

Lisa, get help!

Lisa! - Jules.

- Ssh, ssh! - All right, baba.

It's okay, it's okay, ssh!

Stop fucking looking and get an ambulance!

You're all right.

Round two.

Fight.

- Take this, uh! - Babes?

- Yeah, take this, yeah! - Babes.

- Hey, coke head! - Uh!

- I threw together this little bad girl this morning.

So you could wear my old one, if you wanted.

Round three.

I know you can pause, so don't even try it.

I can, but I don't want to.

- Hey, coke head! - Uh!

- Why stay here playing whatever the fuck this is,

when you could meet that guy in real life at the club?

I don't wanna meet him in real life.

Proportions are horrible.

Can you look at me when I'm speaking to you?

- I'm trying to suggest with my body language,

that I don't wanna start this again.

Tobes.

Let's not ruin the night before it's even begun, yeah?

- I'm trying to be a good friend. This isn't healthy.

But he doesn't wanna come out.

- Every time you do this, you're letting them win.

Brilliant.

Whatever. It's his life.

Ooh, yah!

Hi.

Hi.

Not tonight.

- You're gorgeous. - Thank you.

I am nine inches and thick.

Maybe another time then.

Have fun, beautiful.

What did I just say?

All right.

So what are you touching me for?

Just chill out, mate.

- Back the fuck up before I fucking slap you.

- Bloody psycho. - Fucking dog's breath!

Oi, cool it, yeah.

Was he chatting to you?

Calm down or I'll call the porter.

Faggot.

We're all faggots here, darling.