Black Books

I don't know, Nick. You're the accountant.

- These books... - Yeah, I know.

- Hello? - I'm not sure.

Hello, there! Excuse me!

I just wonder if... Hel...

It'll be different this time. Honestly.

The accounts are in order.

OK. I'll see you in an hour. OK. Bye.

- Now... - Those books, how much?

- Hm? - The leather-bound books.

The Collected Works of Charles Dickens.

- They're real leather? - They're real Dickens.

I have to know because they have to go with a sofa.

Everything else in my house is real. I'll give you 200.

- 200 what? - £200.

Are they leather-bound pounds?

- No. - They won't go with my wallet.

Next!

- Hello! - Hello.

I need The Little Book of Calm, do you have it?

I'm late for work. Uh, Calm...

Er, is this it?

No, no, it's just... Too big, too big.

Little... just little...

- This one, this? - No! No, calm.

- The Little Book of Calm. - Er, this?

That's the one! Yes!

- Two-fifty. - Two-fifty...

- Could... - I'll just get you a bag.

No, no - no bag, just the book!

- I'll do you a receipt. - No, that's fine!

It's broken. I'll write one. Little...

I'll do it! Calm, two-fifty. Thank you.

"Let-let-let go once in a while,

"you are a loose lily floating down an amber river."

Sorry. I hate my job.

What a strange man.

Right, the shop is closed! Everybody get out!

- It's hardly fair. - It's not fair at all. Get out!

- I expect better service... - Expect away. Bye-bye!

Come on, you time-wasting bastards! Back on the streets!

Goodbye! Thank you! Bye-bye-bye! Back to reality. Thank you!

- Bernard, do you want this? - What is it?

- It's a thing. - Is it?

- Yes. - What does it do?

- It's very in. - You don't know, do you?

It's very now.

Will you mind the shop? I have to see my accountant.

Will you get an assistant so I don't have to keep doing this?

OK, but you have to do the same for me the day after tomorrow.

OK. Why?

- You know Julie? - Yeah.

They're inducing the baby and...

she's asked me to be birth partner.

Ugh.

There'll be a lot of blood and shouting and...

No, I'll just get drunk.

In fact, she'll be on drugs, I'll be drunk...

it'll be just like the old days.

OK, have a nice time. Bye.

Hello?

I do sell a lot of wank, don't I?

So, show me your new filing system, Bernard.

This is March...

...to, er... Oobely-boo.

This is... Misc...

And-and-and the rest are, er... Other.

Other what? Other backdated weeks, is it?

No. Other...

times.

So it goes This Week, Very Recent, and...

All Other Times.

Help me out here, Bernard, what does All Other Times cover?

I don't know, Nick! I'm not...

Wonder Woman.

This new system is closely modelled on the old system, isn't it?

I'd go further than that. I'd say it was exactly the same.

Except...

No, it's the same.

I just sort of lied on the phone, Nick. I lied.

Well...

- (Did you hear that?) - What? What?

Oh, nothing. You're lucky I'm so...

accommodating. Other accountants might...

Hello? Yes, Jane. Oh, right.

OK, yeah, mm-hm.

- I've just got to pop off. - What, now?

Yeah, see you soon, all right? Bye.

He's always one step ahead! The cat has left the basket.

The cat has left the basket!

Mmm. Yeah, it's flying. I'm right on it.

It'll be in the pipe soon. The best thing is if I...

You...

Manny... What's that you're eating? Soup?

Yes.

It's extra-chunky.

- What's in it?! - Chunks.

Should I be doing something?

I have the Gleason accounts - I would've e-mailed them

but I had a... a lot of clink on... the stuffer... expander,

and, er... plug went in some Tizer.

Look, just shape up or ship out, all right?

Eh? Hi, yih.

Yuh.

Yeah, I'm chasing up the, er...

...the company account.

"Visualise the ocean."

Oh, a calm ocean, right.

Right, we've got to get Friday's invoices in.

OK, yeah. Here I come.

- (Choking) - What is it?

It's my Little Book of Calm...

I've swallowed my Little Book of Calm!

Is it some kind of bald Furby?

Bernard! Early closing? How'd it go?

Nick the accountant... Nick the accountant... is a fugitive!

- I'm not doing my accounts! - Why?

You can stick it up your arse!

Bernard, you'll have to do them yourself. It's easy.

Yeah, give it... give it a go.

I'm sure I could muddle along.

WHAT? WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?!

THE WHAT?!

"If you live in a council flat beside a river but are not blind..."

WHAT?!

"What is your mother's maiden name?"

What's her first name?!

I just knew her as Ma! Ma - that'll have to do.

Ma.

Possibly deceased.

"Did your non-returnable outgoings for the first half of the year

"exceed your deductions for quarterly VAT returns?"

Right, that's all my socks paired.

Back to the accounts.

OK.

"Did your non-returnable outgoings for the first half of the year

"exceed your deductions for quarterly VAT returns?"

Hello, Ma? It's Bernard.

No, nothing's wrong.

I don't need an excuse to call my mother, do I?

I know, I am, yeah. I know.

Yes. Yes. I will.

I know. Ha. Yes.

Yes! I know.

Yeah. OK. Goodbye, I have to do my tax!

"Did your non-returnable outgoings..."

- (Knock at door) - Thank Christ!

Yes?

Could we talk to you about Jesus?

Great! Come in!

- What? - I'd love to hear about Jesus!

Come on in!

- Er, are you sure? - Yes! In, in! Come in!

It's a trick!

It's just... generally people don't say yes.

I'm not people - come on in, let's talk beliefs!

Come in, come in. Grab a pew.

Right, let's go.

Well... to be honest we've never actually...

thought this far ahead.

It's, uh, it's nice in here.

Indoors.

What's your favourite story about, er... Our Lord?

Money lenders, it has to be the money lenders.

- Chasing them out of the temple. - It is knock-out stuff.

- And yourself? - Well, it's all good.

I suppose when he rescued... when Jesus rescued the Samaritan.

No, that's a story Jesus tells

about the Samaritan who helps somebody else.