Spud

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I'm awake.

I think I feel nauseous.

My heart is beating like a bongo drum.

That is it! Stop it!

That bloody dog!

What do you say, pup?! Want that?!

Oh, that bloody dog!

Dad's trying to kill the neighbour's dog with chemicals from our rosebush sprayer.

Eat that and that!

What are you doing?!

- What have you got? I nearly had him! - Just stop!

Mum doesn't think that's such a good idea.

Get inside! Get inside! Get inside!

Maybe boarding school won't be so bad after all.

Oh!

I was hoping we'd blend in.

But it feels like the Boswell Wilkie Circus just pulled into town.

- Milton. - Milton, of course.

He's quite the little cricket star and a prefect at his primary school,

and he's got a full scholarship.

Oh, and he sings like an angel.

Don't you, my china plate?!

Head of the choir.

I like choir boys.

This is registration.

Hey, look at this.

Well, this is nice, eh?

My new home.

It smells of old socks and floor varnish.

Hey!

Settle down!

I'm sure I'll never fit in.

At least I'm not the only one.

Look at all the blacks in here.

Quiet, please.

Good morning, boys, ladies, and gentlemen.

I am the headmaster...

The headmaster… nickname: "The Glock."

My name is Mr. Glockenspheel.

Which is no laughing matter.

Love you so much, sweetheart!

Remember, my boy,

never apologize for anything.

Even the queen has to shit once a day, eh?

Bye-bye, my darling! I'll miss you so much!

Tomorrow, it all begins.

Maybe I'll die in my sleep and miss it completely.

Lights out!

Mum!

Boys, boys, boys!

What do we have here?

Looks like a rugged soaker with an eating disorder!

It's like… it's like a spud!

- Spuddy! - Spuddy!

Everyone in school has a nickname.

Mine is now "Spud"...

because my willy is tiny and my balls haven't dropped yet.

If I'm going to have any chance of surviving at this school,

I have to get in with the crowd.

Especially Robert Black.

Nickname: "Rambo,"...

the self-appointed king of the dorm.

He includes enough swearing in every sentence

to show he means business,

and is to be heartily respected and hero-worshipped.

I'm going to have to make friends with Rambo's friends

like Charlie Hooper.

Nickname: "Mad Dog."

Whose main hobbies seem to be destruction and death.

Or I'm gonna have to be a sports hero like Simon Brown.

Nickname: "Simon Brown."

Or I'll have to go overseas

and buy lots of banned porno mags

like Al Greenstein.

Nickname: "Boggo."

Busted! Busted!

Apparently, he's a full-on sex-maniac,

which I think is a good thing.

18, 19, 20...

Or I'll have to break the school farting record.

...21, 22, 23, 24,

25.38 seconds!

Currently held by Sidney Sebecco Scott.

Nickname: "Fatty."

Thank God for Henry Barker.

Nickname: "Gecko."

And Vern Blackadder.

Nickname: "Rain Man."

If it wasn't for them, I'm sure they'd be picking on me.

Pile on!

Pile on!

Pile on!

My new home is like a war zone.

I have an uneasy feeling that my time is coming.

Pile on!

Together, everyone calls us "The Crazy Eight."

What the hell is going on?! Off, off!

Up!

Who started this?

Hmm?

What's your name, boy?

John Milton.

John Milton, sir!

John Milton, sir.

Uh, well, out with it.

I really don't know, sir.

All right.

Fine.

As of this second...

all of your privileges have been revoked.

Next time, I will not be so lenient.

Take him to the san.

It wasn't your fault.

I wasn't sure walking with Gecko was good for my survival.

I can't be seen being friendly with the uncoolest guy in the school.

This place is like a madhouse.

There's always someone out to get you, laugh at you,

or make you feel like an idiot or a cunt.

Don't you think, Milton?

This better be serious.

Thanks, Milton.

Take those raw materials.

Now we're talking.

I would never see that.

You don't need to show them.

I don't remember inviting you here, Spuddy.

Spud couldn't wank if he had a pair of tweezers and a magnifying glass.

He couldn't find them with directions and a road map.

His balls...

It is not fair.

Even Gecko has hairs.

I wonder when I can start wanking.

I wonder what suicide is like.

Gentlemen...

these are my seven commandments.

- Mr. Wilson, our housemaster. - One...

thou shalt always obey those in authority.

Nickname: "Spare Rib."

Number two, thou shalt not behave in a depraved fashion.

Rambo told us that a lion bit off half his shoulder.

... a piece of his shoulder just...

And the doctors had to take out one of his ribs to repair it.

Five...

thou shalt not play with thyself...

or with each other.

Six...

thou shalt not play darts.

A bit strange considering the lack of a dart board.

And finally, number seven,

don't even think of doing this...

thou shalt not...

go night swimming.

School begins.

I have no idea where anything is.

Every siren terrifies me 'cause unlike everyone else,

I never seem to be sure what happens next.

I felt a huge lump in my throat.

I was about to start sobbing.

Milton!

P.J. Luthuli, our head of house.

No running in the quad.

I think that's the first time I've ever taken orders from a black man.

I'm lost.

This way.

Dad would be checking for his wallet round about now.

Good God.

Horror.

Horror.

Horror!

Tongue nor heart cannot conceive nor name thee!

May all the trumpets speak!

Give them all breath, those

clamorous harbingers

of blood!

And death!

With me, you will be learning English.

Not the, uh, rapturous ramblings

of some self-obsessed literary queen.

Exhibit one.

Henry James.

Exhibit two...

Virginia Woolf and Agatha Christie!

Frustrated, sex-crazed carpet munchers with underarm fur!

Don't get me wrong, boys. I have nothing against lesbians,

nothing at all.

In fact, I'd like to give them all a jolly good rogering.

Mr. Edly. Nickname: "The Guv."

I reckon he's as mad as my family, maybe even madder.

However...

I will be teaching you malodorous meerkats

how to be men!

You will learn about women...

and sex.

And if I do my job right, when you leave this class,

you will be the kind of man that men envy

and the kind of man that women cannot resist.

I reckon English is going to be my favorite subject.

"...brightness of her cheek would shame those stars..."

I hope the Guv will teach me to score girls like Mrs. Wilson,