Death at a Funeral

(FOOTSTEPS CRUNCHING ON GRAVEL)

Just straight through there and to the left, please.

Okay.

Would you like to...

Who's this?

- Pardon me? - That's not my father.

Oh, shit, we've taken the wrong one.

Really sorry about that, sir.

We'll go back and get him.

Come on.

Jesus.

They brought the wrong coffin.

You're joking.

Can you believe that?

It's a good job I checked.

Could have been having a service for some random member of the public.

What kind of Mickey Mouse business are these people running, anyway?

My God!

There's just so much to worry about, you know. And Mum's in a state.

Robert's clearly not gonna do anything to help, assuming he gets here at all.

Plus, this eulogy's just awful.

- I'm sure it's not awful, Daniel. - Yeah, it is. It is.

Everyone's going to be thinking, "Why isn't Robert doing the eulogy?

"He's such a great writer." Maybe I should just let him do it.

You are every bit as good a writer

as your brother, Daniel, if not better.

You've just got to let somebody else read your novel.

Yeah, everything's going to be okay.

Once the funeral's over, we've just got to focus

on moving out of here and starting our own lives properly.

You did call them, didn't you, Daniel?

You did put the deposit on the flat?

Yeah, I'll sort it out, I promise.

God, I hate funerals. Don't you?

Really, they're just so depressing.

I don't know, it's just the death and everything.

Do you know what I mean? Do you agree, Justin? Justin?

Yeah, they're all right.

All right? Sorry, how could you possibly think that they're all right?

Why are you even coming to this?

Anyway, you don't even know Daniel.

I do know Daniel. I met him a couple of times.

A couple of times. But he's not a friend, is he?

- No, not a friend. - Sorry, if you're going to smoke,

would you please put that out of the window?

I'd really rather not get your cancer, thank you very much.

I've got enough of my own problems to be worrying about.

Yeah? Like what?

Like the discoloration on my wrist

that I keep telling you about. Look at it.

It's fucked. I'm fucked.

Why are you even coming?

It's because of Martha, isn't it?

Justin.

Are you okay?

Not too bad, thanks, Martha.

I'm a bit nervous.

About seeing my dad?

I just don't think I've ever been so openly hated by anyone before.

He just hates everyone. You mustn't take it to heart.

You need to relax with him.

I can't help it. He puts me on edge.

He's going to be more concerned that his sister's husband's just died.

He's not going to be focused on you.

Anyway, I'm sure when I tell him

that we're getting married then, you know,

he'll start to learn to accept you.

You sure about that?

Of course.

I don't really see Victor as the accepting type.

- (TIRES SCREECHING) - (CAR HONKING)

We're on our way to a funeral, you wanker! Don't you have any respect?

Okay. Calm down.

It's all right, it's all right. Breathe.

In through your nose, okay?

Deep breaths. You all right?

- Yeah. - Fucking tosser.

Okay, I'm going to go down.

Hopefully they've brought the right coffin this time.

- I'll come with you. - No, it's okay. I can do it.

Oh, no, I know you can. I'm just going to come check on the seating.

Make sure there's enough room for Uncle Alfie.

Oh, shit. Shit! Shit!

Hello?

Hello, mate, how are you? All right?

Yeah.

Of course I remember Uncle Alfie. Yeah.

Absolutely fine. Yeah, yeah.

No, not a problem at all.

No. Of course I don't mind. All right.

Yeah, don't worry. All right.

No, it's fine, I promise.

All right, we'll see you soon. Okay, bye.

Shit!

So, is this your father, sir?

Yes, it is, yes.

Hey, Mum. You all right?

I just don't know what I'm going to do without him.

- What have I got to live for now? - Mum, don't be silly.

You've got your friends, family.

You've got me and Jane and Robert.

Where is Robert? Have you heard from him?

His plane was just landed at 10:00, but he'll be here, don't worry.

Now, if there's anything I can do, Sandra.

Don't put your hand there, dear. You'll leave smudge marks.

All right. No, I'll get them to you this evening.

No, no can do this afternoon.

I've got a funeral.

Yeah, my uncle died. Yeah, tragic.

No, I'm telling you, mate, this is really powerful stuff.

Yeah, you really only need to take half.

No, trust me, they're going to blow your fucking head off.

All right, I got to go. Sister's here. I'll take them with me

and drop them by after the funeral. Okay, catch you later. Bye.

Yeah, hang on.

Hi. How's it going?

Troy, you're not ready. Come on, we're gonna be late.

Just need to put on my trousers and I'm done. You guys okay?

Simon's a bit freaked out. We just had some asshole driver

- almost ram us off the road. - Really? Fucking bastards.

Make yourselves comfy. I'll be two minutes.

What are these pills all over the place?

Troy's studying to be a pharmacist.

Are you okay?

I'm a bit shaky.

Not much, just a...

Just a bit.

Here, have one of these.

It'll calm you down.

Are you sure?

Absolutely. It's just Valium.

I used to take them all the time.

It'll make you feel better, honestly.

Come on, open wide.

Ready.

Thank you.

Hello?

Hello?

Robert?

Robert.

Hi, Mum.

Oh, darling.

How are you, sweetheart?

- Hey. - Hey.

- Hey, how are you doing? Yeah? - Okay. Okay. I'm okay.

- Okay. Hi. - Hi, Robert.

- How are you? - Good. Good. How are you?

- Great. - How was the flight?

Great. There was a lot of turbulence, which was a bit worrying.

But, I mean, I guess that's the thing about first class.

It doesn't matter how much you pay for the ticket,

if the plane crashes, you're all gonna end up dead.

Sorry.

No, no, I'll... Don't worry.

Oh, shit.

That's him.

Jesus, Howard, you didn't say he was

going to be in a fucking wheelchair.

Uncle Alfie. Hello.

We're here to take you to the funeral.

Where the fuck have you been? You're late.

This is bloody grim, isn't it?

- It's not supposed to be fun, Robert. - I know, but Jesus.

I feel like my heart has been

wrenched out of my ribcage. It's awful.

Well, that's grief for you.

This is why I prefer not to have close relationships with people.

There's too much emotion involved.

Well, I'm just glad that you're gonna be here with Mum.

Well, yeah. Well, not for long,

'cause Jane and I are moving out.

Well, what about Mum?

I was thinking maybe she'd like to

come to New York with you for a bit.

Well, don't be ridiculous. I can't take her to New York.

What am I gonna do with her, take her to parties?

But we've already decided. We're putting a deposit on a flat.

- And I'm gonna need the money. - What money?

The money for all this, for the funeral.

You agreed to pay for half.

- Did I? - Yeah.

- Oh, right. - Yeah, so...

Yeah, well, I don't have it on me, Daniel.

I can get it to you in a few months.

In a few months? Robert, I need it now. I need the money now.

Yeah, well, that's not gonna happen, is it? 'Cause I'm totally skint.

What do you mean you're skint?

You're a successful novelist. You live in New York.

You've got a penthouse apartment in New York. What do you mean?

Yeah, and do you have any idea how much it costs for the upkeep?

Besides which, I've just had to lay out

a fortune for the flight over here.

Do you know how much they're charging for first class nowadays?

It's a fucking disgrace!

So, poor old Uncle Eddie, eh?

- Yeah. - Eh?

Yes.

Did you ever meet Uncle Eddie, Simon?

Simon?

Was there a dog in here just now?