The IT Crowd

And every other day,

I take a short helicopter ride

to Heston Blumenthal's restaurant.

Last night, I ate a chocolate radio

that still worked in my stomach,

and a flat chicken

that was actually a glass of water.

Even the menu was edible.

They said it wasn't, but I ate it.

Sounds like you're living

the life of Riley.

Well, I actually knew Riley,

and yes, there are similarities.

And yet, there is some sadness

in your life.

Tell me about Victoria.

Well, you'll have to forgive me,

there's been quite a few Victorias.

Your wife?

Oh, my God, my wife. Oh, yes, Victoria.

What a fantastic woman.

The two weeks we were married

were unforgettable.

She disappeared in mysterious

circumstances, did she not?

She vanished while washing the car.

Despite a search

that lasted nearly five hours,

we found nothing.

So naturally, we assumed the worst.

You must miss her.

More than words could say.

I'd give anything to see her

walk through that door right now.

Hey, why don't you

take your clothes off?

What?

Come on, we both knew

it was on the cards

as soon as I realised you were a woman.

What if someone were to walk in?

I left strict instructions

not to be disturbed in case we had sex.

There's no way

anyone's walking through that...

Hello, Douglas.

Victoria!

But I thought you were dead!

I must say, Douglas, you still

don't seem very pleased to see me.

No, no, no, no.

I must have eaten

some bad stereo system.

How's the wine?

Exquisite.

From the chef's own cellar.

What are you doing, Victoria?

Last time I saw you, you were...

Washing the car?

Yes, I imagine you have many questions.

I was under a lot of stress

that day, Douglas.

I think we both were.

We both knew it wasn't working.

I picked up my sponge and bucket

with a heavy heart that day.

The rest is a blank.

The next thing I can remember

with any clarity

is being on a kayaking holiday

two years later.

That looks good. What's that?

Oh, I sort of wish I'd ordered that.

Our invisible desserts have arrived.

I know we weren't happy for that

second week of our marriage, Douglas,

but what do you say to giving us

another chance, as a couple?

I don't know.

I don't think we can just pick up

from where we left off.

No, Victoria, I'm sorry, it's over.

Oh, God.

I forgot you could do that.

Maybe we should give it another go.

Well, that is new.

How are you doing that?

That might be the dog.

Heston, I'd like to introduce you

to my wife.

I want to divorce my wife.

Why are you telling me?

Aren't you with Legal?

No.

Remind me.

IT? Relationship Manager?

Ah, well, then I probably

shouldn't have told you any of that.

Anyway, I want to divorce her right now.

Now's too late. Before now.

In fact, I want to have

already divorced her. Is that possible?

Well, as I said, I'm not a lawyer, so...

Yes, but you're a relationship manager,

and this is a relationship.

Well, um, have you told her yet?

Kind of.

I changed my FriendFace profile

from "Married" to "It's Complicated".

That's not the same as telling her,

Mr Reynholm.

Yeah, but someone will pass it on,

why not you?

No!

Oh, come on!

Please break up

with my vanishing car-cleaning wife,

I don't want to do it.

I don't want to do it!

I'll give you, I don't know, £10,000.

Who are you again?

I'm Jen Barber.

I'm with the IT Department

at Reynholm Industries.

Sorry, I thought

I was meeting my husband.

Mmm. Er, Mr Reynholm asked me

to convey a, um, a message to you.

Um...

Mrs Reynholm, how long have you

and Mr Reynholm known each other?

About 10 years.

Ten years.

Ten wonderful years.

Who are you?

Mrs Reynholm... Can I call you Victoria?

No.

Mrs Reynholm,

sometimes there is a day

and then there is a night.

Sometimes, there is a morn.

And then there is an eve, flowers grow,

trees are cut down.

Babies are born but, um, lawyers exist.

What are you trying to say?

Oh, I can't do it, I just can't.

Let me guess.

My husband wants to leave me

and he paid you a large amount of money

so that you would spare him

the embarrassment of facing me.

Yes, but I'm not going to

take the money. I feel sick.

Of course you do.

You're a normal person.

You're not upset?

No, because I'm not a normal person.

You see, what you're trying to do here

but can't,

if the tables were turned,

I wouldn't find it difficult at all.

In fact, it's how I met his first wife.

Oh, I didn't know

these were edible, too.

They're not.

What's all that?

I have to spend the afternoon

with Douglas.

Somehow I've been drafted

into his legal eagle fantasy.

Have you ever spent

any serious time with that man?

He's unbelievable.

You should hear the way

he talks about women.

Oh, yeah, he's some piece of work.

He's like a sexy Hitler.

I mean, I don't expect

to be put on a peddle stool,

but please, just show a little respect.

Uh, I'm sorry.

You don't expect to be put on a what?

On a, on a peddle stool.

A peddle stool?

What's a peddle stool?

Oh, you know, you put women on it

when you admire them,

you know, the phrase.

Oh, yeah, no, the famous phrase

"to be put on a peddle stool".

Pedestal!

What?

"Pedestal" is the word!

What's a peddle stool?

Did you really think there was

such a thing as a peddle stool?

Shut up, everyone has blind spots.

Uh, can you, uh, come and help me

sort through all this legal crap,

please, Moss?