The Brass Teapot

You want me to make you breakfast?

With what? There's nothing in the fridge.

I'll go to the store when you get paid.

We can crash dinner at my mom's tonight.

I'd rather starve.

If I had a million dollars, I'd stay in bed with you all day.

I'm gonna be late for work, wife.

You know I'm quick, husband.

Hey, Pete.

Whoops.

Oh, oh, oh.

Hey, fellas. Good morning.

Good morning. I have a great new offer for you today.

Uh-huh.

- Good morning. Hi, Donna. - Hi, John.

Okay, let's do this. Let's sell some... Television warranties.

No, um,

I have not had experience supervising others.

But I am a confident leader,

And I respond very well to stress and deadlines.

No, um, I have not had, uh, experience supervising others.

But I am a confident leader,

And I respond well... very well... to stress and deadlines.

Hi, good morning, Mr. Sandveg. Hope I didn't wake you.

Hi, auntie. Are you there?

Uh, no, my name is John Macy.

Um, sir, would you be interested by any chance,

what happened is, we've suddenly started to hit real well.

What's that? But our pitching is just terrible.

Hello? Hello? Mr. Sandveg?

Hey, what went wrong on that sale there, John?

Um, this sale. Dementia.

Okay. Think about what we talked about.

Productivity, performance, punctuality,

The three main pivot points to you recapturing your optimal performance level.

Why is this a problem?

Oh, I just think it's honestly a pretty bad economy right now.

Don't tell me economy. Everyone's blaming the economy.

You gonna blame somebody? Blame...

The damn republicans?

What? Don't sass me. And don't sass my party.

I... make some calls. Focus up.

Get rid of those dumb-ass toys.

First I'm here

then I'm there

and I know it's a drag

and I know it's a drag but I'm here

I've spent the last three years finishing my undergraduate degree.

It's been tight, but worth it...

So I could sit here today, fully qualified for my dream job.

I'm ahead of the pack for once.

We have a lot of applicants,

All of whom have master's degrees...

Or ten years' experience.

Okay.

Flower power, minishirts

in the big city

What do you want? Came by for the rent check.

It's not due for another three days, arnie.

Well, then I saved you a stamp.

Ow.

Here. You can't cash that until Friday.

Weren't you, uh, voted most likely to succeed in high school, Alice?

Yeah. Why?

- Just wondering what happened. - Oh.

Oopsies. Oh, yeah, that guy.

Mmm. You know, he's getting promoted.

And I'm considering several job offers right now.

Oh, that's good. That's nice. Yeah.

Arnie. Yard's a little shaggy.

Oh. Bang!

Ah! Ah! Ah!

Hello, darling wife. Hello, husband.

So, this is the part where you tell me you got a promotion at work...

And a huge bonus.

You tell me to go get sexy because you're taking me out.

I, uh, found a hoagie time coupon in the men's room.

It's a bogo.

Ooh.

Love when you spoil me.

Get inside.

It's hoagie time.

Yes! You die.

I think I should just become a navy seal or something.

'Cause I'm a tactical genius.

Why is it that real blood makes you pass out, but this is entertainment?

Because I'm killing drug dealers and pimps. It's God's work.

Hey, which credit card has no interest until next year?

Um, citibank in July.

Oh! I died, baby.

So, when Arnie cashes our check,

We will be left with...

why do you care so much about what Payton and Ricky think?

Because they're our friends, John, and we went to high school together.

These people tortured me in high school.

Hi, um, Alice and John Macy. I see you're on the list. Yeah.

Yeah, come on in. Thank you.

Oh, my God.

Honey, was there anything about a dress code in the invitation?

I wanna die right now. Yeah.

Seven years ago, she was copying my trig and banging all the jocks.

Her father gave her a bullshit six-figure desk job...

While holding a solid "c" average in communications after seven years of college.

Her degree is as authentic as her bouncy new tits.

Shall we go see some of our good friends now?

Two whiskeys, neat. Sure.

Hey, Ricky, what do you say?

Hey... Guy.

High five.

It's getting hot outside, right?

- Real hot around here. - Here you go.

Walked outside yesterday my whole...

My whole dick was out just swingin' around.

Louise!

Hi. I'm so glad that you're here.

Yes. Hey. How are you?

Good. How are you? You'll have to excuse me.

I'm gonna go to the bar and drink enough to kill a horse.

You want anything? Yes, two beers please.

Got it. Immediately.

Hi. So, I guess I didn't get the memo to wear something short and shiny.

Hey! What's up, man?

I'm so happy you're here. I'm so glad you're here.

Thought I was gonna have to spend the whole night hiding in the bathroom.

Yeah. Yeah, I tried that one out. At the vegan barbecue.

Oh, that was you? That was me.

Dude, I spent 45 minutes shittin' kale into a hat in the backyard.

My mom got sick again. So, it's like... it's okay.

It's just that we had to pay for all the hospital bills,

And I didn't get the scholarship.

So it's like... it's a lot.

I'm really depressed now. Tell me about it.

But good people win out in the end.

Let's go do shots. Yes, please.

It's a nice theme they've got going on. Yeah. Nice theme. Pink.

Looks like a fuckin' asshole in here.

Breakin' rocks in the hot sun

I fought the law and the law won

she's the best girl that I ever had

I fought the law and the law won

I fought the law and the law won

I fought the law and the law won

I fought the law and the...

Why did we drink so much?

Because it was free.

We need to go shopping if we want to eat today.

How did your, um, interview go the other day?

If anything, I was over-qualified.

Well, maybe you should just, you know...

Set your sights a little lower.

I have a $40,000 degree in art history.

I really don't want to work at the mall.

Baby, I'm not worried. You're gonna have an amazing job one day.

I know. Things will get better. Mmm.

Oh! Son of a bitch. Are you okay?

Yeah. You're sure?

Yeah, I think so. Look at me. You're okay.

Yeah, looks like someone sawed this thing clear off.

Honestly, we could've been killed very easily.

That was intentional. Yeah.

That's been happening a lot in this neighborhood lately.

People comin' around sawin' off stop signs.

- I can't pay for that. - We can't be held accountable for any of this.

Neither of you are gonna be paying anything today.

I been here 30 years... I feel like shopping.

Alice! Hey! Jesus Christ.

Slow down! You're speedin' here!

Hello. Can I help you?

No, thank you. I'm just browsing right now.

Hey, Alice? I'm back here.

I, uh, I don't think the axle's bent or anything so...

You wanna get out of here and get some food?

Well, the antiques roadshow is coming this weekend.

Why don't we look around? See if we can find something, get on tv.

You wanna look around here? Yeah.

Um, excuse me.

Hi. Do you have any, like, old-fashioned records or comic books or...

Nothing for you.

Nooses? Shotguns? Poison?

Okay. I'm gonna go just... In the car.

This is me, before the war.

You were beautiful.

That's the telephone.

Shit.

I got the car to work, baby. Okay, great. Go! Go! Go! Go!

Go! Go! Go, now.

Why'd you run out of there like baby face nelson? What happened?

Stealing? Are you kidding me?

We're, like, two steps above white trash as it already is.

This is so pretty. Look at it.

- Ow! - Alice!

What are you doing?

I was fighting in my dream.

Okay. No more kung fu movies before bed.

I love cats. They get me much more than people do.

Which reminds me. Did you know Mr. Tutor is having an affair?

- Mr. Tutor? - Yeah. He's into some very kinky, kinky stuff.

Do you wanna see? Come on.

Seriously.

Oh, my God. Where... oh, my...