Beware the Gonzo

In the past week,

I ruined my chance to go to college,

I lost all my friends,

and I almost ruined my parents' marriage.

The one girl I ever cared about

will probably never talk to me again.

And I also got my face kicked in.

But,

after everything I've done

I probably got off easy.

You believed in me

and I betrayed you all.

Amy,

I want you on band try-outs and theater auditions.

It's Pippin this year, right?

Great show.

Jules.

Jules, Jules.

I need you on the student parking permits.

Please, they confuse the hell out of everybody.

Can you do that for me?

All right.

Oh.

There's a new cafeteria policy.

Due to last year's brawl at McDonald's,

nobody's allowed off school grounds for lunch.

Not even the seniors.

We're stuck inside all year.

That sucks.

It's okay.

I'm gonna do an op ed on that.

Interview the principal,

it's obviously a hot-button issue.

Kev, what do you got, bud?

Football and wrestling previews, Gav.

And I'd love to do a feature on the state wrestling champ

at 168 pounds, who happens to be you.

All right, well you're probably

gonna want photos with that,

so meet me in the gym after school

I'll let you shoot me in my togs.

I got a sports story,

but it ain't no goddamn puff piece.

It's gonna be in two-inch type

right underneath the masthead.

Steroids.

Good to see you, Gilman.

- Oh yeah. - Steroids, huh?

I'm gonna go undercover on the

football team as assistant equipment manager.

Blow the lid right off this bitch.

I mean, find out who's juicing,

where they got the stuff.

What evidence do you have that anyone's using steroids?

Statistics.

It's an epidemic now on the high school level.

The high school football team went two and 12 last year.

Nobody cares enough to cheat.

Maybe they don't wanna go two and 12 this year.

- Ever think about that? - It's a ridiculous reach.

Forget it.

At least read the data.

I don't need to read the data.

Thanks.

Who are you trying to protect?

Cough it up, Riley.

How far up does this thing go?

Take it easy, Oliver Stone.

I just don't want you bugging my friends with your bullshit.

Okay guys, listen.

These stories are due Friday.

You can just e-mail them to me, alright?

Okay, we table the steroids thing.

What am I gonna do?

You beat me out for editor, Riley,

but I still have to make my mark this year.

First of all, Gilman, take a giant step back.

You're in my area.

We discussed this.

Okay.

All right, listen bud.

Why don't you just do a simple back to school piece?

You know, "Another year dawns on Parker Prep."

Whatever, just make sure you include the

changes on the academic calendar, okay.

Back to school piece.

It's simple,

it's elegant.

Really gonna have to put my finger on

the pulse of the student body.

Yes, fine.

Look, if it's good enough,

I'll even put it on the cover.

Just don't get carried away.

Gonzo Gilman with the Courier.

Another year dawns, let's talk about it.

Gonzo Gilman with the Courier.

Do you have one minute?

No, no, no, no, I'm sorry.

Gonzo Gilman with the Courier.

What are your hopes

and fears?

Gonzo Gilman with the Courier.

What are your hopes and fears for the new year?

I hope that you get out of my face and

and I fear that you will not.

Gonzo Gilman with the Courier.

- I was hoping ... - No.

Can I quote you on that?

No.

Got her digits, man.

Damn, she's hot.

My friend, Rob, you would have to undress

that girl with a small crane.

You've no vision, Gonzo.

Okay that girl loses this much baby fat,

she'll have the sweetest ass in the entire school.

And I am gonna be leading the ground floor.

Interesting.

You working on a story?

Undercover.

I told you.

Two-inch type.

Right underneath the masthead.

Hi, Rob.

Hey, gorgeous.

Welcome back.

Mm, this is gonna be such a good year.

Dude, she's like the elephant man.

You're the Don Juan of the physically-deformed.

Don't hate, okay?

Please, you're better than that.

Guys, come quick.

It's Schneeman.

Bastards!

How can you all just stand there?

Schneeman, I'm coming!

Third year in a row.

My underwear is about to rip.

I know, I know.

Shh, don't try to talk right now.

I'm gonna have to lift you, but gently.

Gently.

Got it.

Okay.

Come on down.

Here we go.

Here

we

go.

You okay, Schneeman?

Did they do this to you?

Gavin Riley wasn't there.

Listen Schneeman.

This isn't gonna happen again.

I know.

That is the last time I wear underwear to school

No, that's not what I mean.

Okay you geniuses, here's your reminder.

The submission deadline for the

Van Buren prize is October 20th.

This is the most prestigious history

award in the country.

Parker Prep has had two previous winners.

Gavin's two older brothers, Marcus and Shawn.

Are you gonna continue the family dynasty?

They'll disown me if I don't.

Well you're gonna have some tough competition this year.

Isn't that right, Mr. Schneeman?

Okay, back to Napoleon.

Another man who had his eyes on the prize.

Namely, the military domination of Europe.

Another year dawns on Parker Prep,

the 150th in the school history.

For most students, it's a time to set goals

both academic and personal.

A time to dream,

when everything seems possible.

For others, however, school is already

a waking nightmare, a hellish abyss

where bullies prey sadistically on the weak.

Unpunished, their victims, too afraid to identify.

Hey

Hey, how was the meeting? Did you settle?

And a hearty good evening to you, Diane.

No, we did not settle.

In fact, they threw the whole thing out.

What?

Okay, so what happens now?

What, you don't get paid?

You've been working on this case for six months.

Well, that's the high stake world of personal injury law.

Arthur, c'mon.

This has got to stop.

You need to start getting compensated for your time.

And I'm talking about actual money.

I'm not talking about Fernando working

off your fee by doing the hedges

or king Popi giving you that car

truck thingy with the boat attachment.