The Sandman

Dear Sylvie.

By the time you read this,

I'll be dead.

...be gone.

I know.

You said we shouldn't talk for a while, but...

I didn't want you to think my death had anything to do with you or us.

The truth is, the planet is dying, democracy is dead,

and the human race is next.

But not before we inflict as much damage on the planet,

and on each other, as we possibly can.

Hiya!

Hiya!

You're not at the office.

Neither are you.

Yeah, well, I'm playing truant today. Amelia's helping me.

- But if you're working, Sexton, we can go. - No. Or... you on your way out?

To work in that café where you sometimes work? Hmm?

Yes. Yes, I was on my way out.

Uh... just one last email to send.

Ooh, I read your piece in The Guardian.

The one about the climate crisis?

- They're all about the climate crisis. - I found it very hopeful.

- You did? - You did?

Well, um... we'll leave you to work,

but you're coming out with us tonight, yeah?

- Actually-- - Is that tonight?

- You promised. - Don't you want a night in?

That's all we have. Do you not like my friends?

Not as much as I like you.

Oh my God. I already told Jackie that we're coming.

- You, me, and Sexton. - Jackie will understand.

I'm not gonna cancel on her.

- Can you blame me? - You're obsessed, man.

Yeah, whose fault is that?

It can't just be the two of us all the time.

It's not just the two of us...

Hi, Sylvie.

Hiya, Sylvie.

Hi, Sylvie.

It's me. Um...

I know that you said that we shouldn't talk for a while.

But, uh, I needed you to know that what I'm about to do...

has got nothing to do with you.

Oh wow.

Now, who would throw you away?

Fuck.

Hello?

Is someone there?

Yeah?

Hello?

- Are you all right? - Yeah.

I just can't seem to move.

Oh, yeah, I see the problem.

Do you think you could maybe...

Oh, I don't know.

I've never moved a refrigerator before.

Maybe.

Just give it a good...

Right.

Ooh, look at that.

Didn't expect to be doing that today.

Here.

- Thanks. - Oh, no!

Sorry. Sorry, I forgot it's my day off.

There you go.

Ooh.

You good?

Wow. What were you doing down there?

Nothing. Uh, I fell.

- Oh. - Uh...

- Oh. Looking for these? - Oh, yeah. They're...

- Uh, they're... for my allergies. - Oh.

Oh. You're bleeding.

- Oh. - Oh, no. You better come back to my place.

What?

I'm only a few minutes away.

I've got plasters for that arm. And I might even fix your jacket for you.

But after that, you're on your own.

Come on.

Ah! I can't get over this beautiful day.

Listen. Do you hear that?

I hear...

- Traffic? - Yes, that's what it is.

You enjoy the sound of traffic?

Well, isn't that why people live in London?

- Was that your rubbish back there? - What?

- Were you fly-tipping? - No. What?

That's illegal. I would never do that.

Then what were you doing?

If you don't mind my asking.

Thinking, I suppose.

What about?

About how we've taken a perfectly good planet

and turned it into a place to put all of our rubbish.

I don't know. I quite like it.

This is me.

Come on, we'll get you sorted.

This is very nice of you.

Well, it's no harder to be nice to people than it is to be awful.

And it's much more fun.

Wow. Thank you.

That looks much better.

Have you met the goldfish?

Oh.

The big orange one, that's Slim,

and the little yellow one, he's called Wandsworth.

I would introduce you, but you haven't told me who you are yet.

Sorry. Sexton Furnival.

I blame my parents.

I like it.

Sexton Furnival.

And you are?

I am...

very good at sewing.

- There you go. - Yeah, you are.

Thank you. Hm.

Is that what you do? Are you in the fashion industry?

No.

Then what do you do?

I...

rescue journalists from illegal fly tips.

Three sugars?

Yeah. How... How did you know I'm a journalist?

How many Sexton Furnivals do you think there are in the world?

You read my column?

When I have time off.

Time off from what?

Look, I'd tell you, but you won't believe me.

Why not?

Because...

I'm Death.

You're Death.

Yeah.

Okay.

But you have nothing to worry about because... today's my day off.

Oh.

Death has a day off?

Just one. Every hundred years.

Just to see what it's like to be human.

Mm. Death lives in Shoreditch?

No. No, this place is just the universe's way of making me feel comfortable.

Technically, right now I'm only a few hours old.

Of course.

I should probably...

go.

Thank you for the jacket and the tea.

And everything.

Of course.

Well, I'll see you again.

You will?

Sooner or later, I see everyone.

Right. Okay, bye.

Okay. Bye.

Hello, me bonny boy.

You were with her, weren't you? I can smell it on you.

- Upsy-daisy. - I think there's been a misunderstanding.

In my experience, broken bottles are sharp enough

to make your face a lot less bonny, bonny boy.

All right, look, if... if it's money you need--

Button your lip and shut your face.

You're going back inside, you're gonna knock on her door,

you're going to tell her it's you.

Aren't you?

Hello? It's... It's Sexton. Furnival?

Sexton!

You're back.

I didn't expect to see you so soon.

Oh, it's you.

That's right. It's me.

Get in, bonny boy.

- Leave Sexton out of this, Mad Hettie. - I'm not leaving him out of this.

He's me bargaining thing, isn't he? And I've got a job for you.

Fine. What's the job?

Take a seat, bonny boy.

I want you to find me soul for me.

Your soul?

Any idea where you lost it?

I didn't lose it.

I put the little bugger somewhere safe as houses, I did.

Somewhere no one would find it.

Especially not you.

If you hide your soul from Death, you never die.

Well, she can't take it if she can't find it, can she?

Let me get this straight.

You've hidden your soul from me, and now you want me to go and find it for you?

Will you?

I've tried ever so hard.

I can't do it on me own.

Do you have any idea where you've hidden it?

Hmm.

Mayhap I placed it in a duck egg, inside a duck,

inside a well,

in a castle on an island, surrounded by a lake of fire,

guarded by a hundred dragons,

each larger and more ferocious than the last.

And maybe you didn't.

It's been a long time, love.

And, um... sometimes me mind goes a bit doolally.

Fine.