Magic Town

Morning, Joe. Another one? In or out?

Out. Rip Smith, Institute of Public Opinion. Going bust.

Rip Smith. 18th floor, inside office.

Tall man, brown shoes, dark polished three times a week. 25 cents tip.

Too bad. Nice man.

No wonder he's going bust. Getting public opinions is a screwy way to make living.

It's not screwy. Lots of guys clean up. Look at Gallup.

Big corporations pay money to find out what we think.

- They do? - Sure. Take this cigar.

People stop buying it. Sales fall. Manufacturer wants to know why.

I can tell him why in one word.

George, is it true about Rip Smith?

Yes. I saw them moving the furniture out. Isn't it swell?

Did you hear about Rip? Mac cancelled his contract.

- Morning. - They're moving the furniture.

He talked to me about jobs for some of his people.

What about himself? Let's grab him before Gallup.

- We've been discussing it. - What's to discuss?

Henry think we'd be foolish.

- He's the hottest piece of manpower... - Yes, he's brilliant.

But too much of a dreamer to suit me. To hear him talk, we're all idiots.

Our method of polling public opinion is ridiculous.

We're wasting money polling people all over the country.

- He can do polls at a tenth of the cost. - Maybe he can.

He's working on a new scheme - his mathematical miracle -

how to question 50-100 people perhaps in one town

and find out how the whole country's thinking.

- If it could be done, he'd make a fortune. - If? He's out of business.

- Because he operated on a shoestring. - Poppycock.

What makes you think he'd come with us? He's determined to go it alone.

We'll get him, don't worry. In his present condition, he's a cinch.

Yes, sir.

Like I said to my wife, asking too many questions don't pay off.

"When I got your letter, I tested public opinion on the subject you suggested

"and here's the result - in favour, 69.1, not in favour, 22.6, don't knows, 8.3..."

We just laid one egg, what are you hatching now? What are they about?

- Who's that from, Mr Twiddle? - You're awake?

Frederick Hoopendecker. A schoolteacher. Shall I go on?

Sergeant Hoopendecker. What a man.

- Handled a bazooka like a toy pistol. - Shall I go on?

Getting a bunch of ex-doughfeet to canvas their home towns!

What for?

I'm still hunting for that short cut, Ike.

- Mathematical miracle. - Shall I go on?

No. I thought I had an idea. File that with the rest of them, Mr Twiddle.

- Everybody get paid off? - Uh-huh.

Why don't you give up? Stop chasing rainbows.

- Go to work for somebody. - We could put a bowling alley in here.

A lot of good guys got kicked around. They're not out to capture the world.

A dancing academy maybe. May I?

- Stop it. This is no time to... - It's good for the soul.

- What do you think you're doing? - Mr Stringer.

- Thank you. - Thank you.

I've got a proposition, Rip. There might be an opening in our outfit for you

if you'll accept a reasonable salary and 10% of the profits.

- You can bring Ike and Mr... er... - Twiddle.

- Twiddle. - Thanks, Charlie. I'll think about it.

Think about it? Rip, you're in no position to be fussy.

You and your mathematical miracles.

Look at the job you did for Mac. No wonder he cancelled.

We released our figures today.

Look at it. You weren't even close.

You can't do polls without national coverage and that takes a lot of money.

There are no short cuts. Why are you grinning?

Charlie, I love you. With all my heart, I love you!

But the answer's no. Yup, it's no. See you around.

Give me that.

- Get off that desk! - What?

Lock that door. If I can just find this letter.

Here it is. This might be it, Ike.

My short cut. Look at Hoopendecker's letter and Stringer's figures.

Stringer canvassed thousands of people, Hoopendecker only a handful in one town.

Look at the results. 69.1... 69.1. They're identical!

This might be it. One small town that thinks exactly the way the nation does.

- You're talking about Utopia. - Maybe. We'll find out now.

Get me the almanac... No, I'll get it.

Call up the Census Bureau and get Hoopendecker.

No, no. I can get the national figures from the almanac, I want Grandview.

How about the sex ratio? Males to females?

- Prohibition? - About 1,400. I got it.

OK. Democrats? Republicans?

I knew it! I knew there was a town like this.

Even the population breaks down like the country.

The same percentage of males, females, Democrats, Republicans, everything!

Hello? Yeah, I'm still here.

We'll have to poll the same people over and over.

It'll be good for years, but sooner or later they'll get self-conscious.

They can't know what we're doing there. We need a cover.

We're three insurance salesmen from Hartford.

Insurance? Oh, my. Talking to a man about when he's going to die.

Hello? That's what I said, Mac. I can deliver too.

Stringer's been doing a poll for you on progressive education for months.

Suppose I start now and finish ahead of him?

It IS possible!

I'll come within one per cent.

I'm not going to tell you how.

No other outfit is gonna find out. I can make a million bucks on this.

What? Yeah.

Let me understand this. If this thing goes over, you'll renew my contract, right?

That's all I want to know. OK, Mac. Thanks.

Grandview, you good old mathematical miracle, here we come!

Hi, Grandview.

The moment Columbus sighted land must have been like this.

- Would you mind moving? - Excuse me.

Bus for Moody's Mansion House leaving right away!

- Moody's Mansion House? - The hotel.

That's a perfect name for the hotel.

Maybe it is and maybe it ain't. You wanna go there?

Yeah. See that fellow over there with the bags, looks like he popped out of Dickens?

- Can you tell him to check in for us? - Yes, sir.

Moody's Mansion House. Wonderful. Moody's Mansion House.

How do you do?

It's wonderful to be around a town that you know like an old family album.

Look at that fellow. I know all about him.

He's married. He has 1.7 children.

Out of his income, 11.2 is rent, 23.5 food, 17.2 for clothing...

Poor guy is a series of fractions. He ought to stop acting like a human being.

Hello...

- Glad to see you again. - Glad to see you!

- How have you been? - Fine. And you?

- Can't complain. You're looking well. - Thanks. You seem fit yourself.

Not bad for an old man.

- How have you been? - Can't complain. And you?

Fine, fine.

- Glad to have seen you again. - Glad to have seen you.

Who was that?

- Who's that? - I don't know.

- Sure you don't know him? - No, I don't.

- If he knows who you are, we're sunk. - He was just being friendly.

- Where's Professor Hoopendecker? - I don't know. He ain't down here.

- Wise guy! - Thanks.

- Wow! - Did you see that?

- All the way from there. - That was really something.

Company, atten-shun! Hit the dirt!

Rip! Rip Smith!

Good old Sergeant Hoopendecker. Hi, dirty face.

Mon capitaine, je vous aime!

Ratted. It took me years to build up dignity.

Rip Smith? So that's who he is.

Sorry I couldn't meet you. We're having exams.

The survey I did was good, huh?

- Right on the nose for the nation. - You don't say?

- What about this insurance thing? - We can sell insurance if we have to.

- Is that him, Mr Hoopendecker? - Sure. That's he.

- Jeepers. Rip Smith. - Mr Hoopendecker said you were coming.

We read about you in the basketball guide.

I'm coaching them. Here's my assistant. The mascot of the team.

- Hi. - Hi, Rip.

What's going on down there? It's a nickel a look.

That's the bell. Move along, boys.

- Bye, Rip. - Bye.

- Have you seen anyone yet? - No. I'm seeing the mayor now.

Meet me after school. I'll introduce you to folks.

OK. So long, dirty face.

How do you do?

- The very idea! - Imagine doing such a thing!

- Wait here, please. - Thank you.

Where'd you go to?

Dropped in on my pal Hoopendecker. Why, what goes on here?

His Honour the Mayor's in conference.

Ah. What a town. We put the decimal points in the right place and we're home.

Yes. Let's pray these good people stay average and don't change.

They haven't changed in 50 years. Forget it.

These changes will make this town.

The park and playground will be here.

The hospital and the nursery here.

The library here and the high school here.

As mayor I'm neutral - a servant of the people - but this plan's preposterous.

- Isn't it preposterous, Richard? - I'm tired of it.

She's been coming before the council for years.

It's like a filibuster. There ought to be a law against...

Now, Lou, the girl has a right to speak her piece.

All right.

Thanks, Mr Nickleby. And I'll exercise that right at every council meeting

until you realise Grandview needs a new civic centre.

- It's all right, Mr Mayor. You're excused. - Excuse me.

What is it? You said it was important.

My name's Lawrence Smith. This is Mr Sloan.

- We thought you could help us out... - Just a moment.

Notes for visitors' diary.

At 9.46, a gentleman by the name of Lawrence Smith came in.

"Visitors are welcome," I said. "What can I do for you?"

What can I do for you? Speak up, young man, speak up.

We want to open an insurance office.

We thought you could recommend a real estate agent.

Mr Smith requested that I recommend a real estate agent.

"You place me in a difficult position," I said. "A mayor cannot show partiality."

Just a minute. I'll get Lou Dickens out here. Best real estate man in town.

Rest of them aren't worth a hoot.

What about the upkeep? That means more watchacallit... taxes.

Excuse me.

Why not approve the plan and let the voters decide?

Mr Nickleby's being very unselfish about this. As the leading contractor, he'd benefit.

- We can't afford anything so ambitious. - Improvements will attract new people,

new wealth, so we could afford it.

Glad to be of watchacallit... service.

Like a fella says... thank you.

Change this, change that. How big a town do you want?

Of course I want changes. It's about time we made it a decent place to live in.

Changes. There goes your mathematical miracle.