The Minus Man

Have any pie?

Nope.

No pie, no pizza, no kitchen.

Just booze.

You got pickles.

Guess I'll have a beer.

- Which beer? - Can I try what she's having?

Me too.

Think anyone's ever made a pie out of pickles?

I hope not.

There are people that eat pickles with ice cream.

Pregnant women maybe,

but I never heard anybody making a pie out of pickles.

Then who buys them?

- I'd like to get pickled. - You are, baby.

So where is it you're coming from?

From the west.

West of what? This is the west.

Vancouver.

You must not be in much of a hurry.

- What makes you say that? - You'd be on the interstate.

I don't like the billboards.

No billboards on the interstate.

I'm empty, in case you were keeping track.

Fucking allergies.

I'm not even 30, and I got six things wrong with me.

Look at this shit.

Corn is good.

What?

Corn, if it's fresh.

Corn.

Sometimes it will make you feel better.

Really.

Corn.

Would you please move?

What's your problem?

You're my problem, Casper.

You've been drinking here since noon,

And I don't think you've got the money for what you're buying.

Your phone's ringing, dickwad.

I want you to get the fuck out of here.

Here you go. I got some money.

I thought it was customary for a person

to pay when a person's finished.

You're finished.

Now pay or, like I said, get the fuck out of here.

Here you go. I'll pay.

Boy, that guy was mad.

He's an asshole.

Casper, like the ghost?

Casper like shit. That's not my name.

- My name's Laurie. - Laurie. That's a nice name.

L-a-u-r-i-e. Laurie.

Four vowels to two consonants.

That's rare, you know.

Almost all the vowels: "A", "E", "I", "U.

Only one I don't have is an "O".

So if your name was Tony, it'd be perfect.

What is your name?

- Bob. - Uh-uh.

So you got the "o."

Got the "O." Guess that makes me okay.

Uh-huh.

You're sweet.

Do you like to get high?

How?

Pull over.

Turn the lights out.

Don't turn the engine off.

Could I get a little heat, please? It's cold.

- Where are you going? - There must have been a bear.

- What is this? - Amaretto.

- It's sweet. - Mm-hmm.

Yeah, it is.

Casper.

I wonder if I was right about the bear.

It could have been the wind that knocked over the garbage can.

I've never done anything violent to anybody.

Just the minimum that was necessary.

No fear, no pain. They just go to sleep.

But after it's done, there's no going back, no second chance.

If I made a mistake, I'll pay for it.

You don't always choose what you do. Sometimes, what you do chooses you.

That's where discipline comes in.

I like the details of a thing,

especially if it's got a purpose.

Between sundown and sunup, no loitering on the beach. You can't spend the night.

I didn't know. I'm sorry.

You must have missed the sign. It's posted at the entrance.

Can I see your license and registration, please?

Registration?

- You on a trip? - Uh-huh.

Just seeing the country.

This place is so pretty, I decided to stop for a while.

If you're gonna stay, I suggest you get yourself a room.

You're right. I'll look in the paper.

I just got one.

Just got one.

Okay, then. I'll be swinging back around in about 15 minutes.

Don't worry. I won't be here. I won't fall back asleep again.

Thanks. I mean it. Thanks a lot.

I... I called about the room for rent. My name is Vann.

I thought we said 5:00. We did. I just thought...

I can come back later if you want. I...

- Are you Mrs. Durwin? - Yes, I am.

It's me. I'm Vann. I called... I know. You said.

I'm sorry I came so early. I was just afraid you'd rent the room to somebody else.

Okay. Since you're here, you might as well see it. Come on in.

The room has a separate entrance, plus it overlooks the garden.

In the spring, it's quite lovely; The light in here.

It's nice right now. I like the fall.

This has got a shower.

But also there's a bath down the hall,

which is private because we never use it.

That's our daughter. This was her room.

She's in college now.

She looks smart. She looks like you.

Also, anyone who takes the room,

if they're prepared to clean up after themselves,

can have the use of the kitchen during certain hours.

This is great. This is the best place I've seen so far.

Before I decide anything one way or the other,

you really have to meet Mr. Durwin, my husband.

All right. And if he likes me okay, then I can move in?

Why don't you tell me something about yourself first?

Except for beer once in a while, I don't drink.

Never took any dope, and I don't stay out late.

I've always worked, paid my own way.

I have money saved. I don't owe anybody anything.

So what brings you down this way?

My dad was sick, and I was taking care of him mostly.

After he passed on, I didn't have any reason to stay any longer.

Thought I'd start out fresh,

go back to school, maybe take some courses.

Here? I like it here.

So far, I think it's the nicest place I've seen.

Well...

To tell the truth, we were hoping for a young lady.

But it's okay with me if it's okay with Jane.

Mrs. Durwin?

We've had that room for rent since Karen left.

They said we're asking too much. That's why people aren't calling.

She didn't want the folks at the want ads to think we were hard up.

Mrs. Durwin didn't?

- Did she ask you to call her that? - Mm-hmm.

Well, you don't have to call me Mr. Anything, just plain Doug.

Thanks, Doug.

She lied. Either that or she's confused.

There's no separate entrance in this room.

Unless she meant the window.

I wonder why she told me that.

What are we having?

Poached white fish and hot potato salad.

- Is Vann having dinner with us? - Of course not.

Maybe we should invite him down his first night.

No, no.

Doug, the last thing you want is for a tenant to become your guest.

Keep your distance.

I suppose so. Well, don't.

Don't.

Leave him alone.

Let's give him a chance to get adjusted first.

With the skins still on them?

The potatoes.

Yes, just the way you like them.

Yummy.

Vann?

Doug? Are you awake?

Okay in here? Got everything you need?

Yeah, everything's great.

- Shh. - Sorry.

You like football?

You want to see a game?

I don't know, Doug. I've been driving such a long time.

I suppose I should probably get some rest.

No, not tonight. Tomorrow.

- I thought you meant on the... - no, not on that.

A real game.

The badgers, our local high school team, against the hawks.

Yeah, I'd love to.

Go badgers! Whoop 'em!

Defense!

Third and short, and they throw a long pass.

What the hell was that about, hmm?

It's been one of their best plays all season, dad.

It was you, gene. You made the big play.

No, I didn't. The pass rush did.

- Just ask coach. - See?

See how polite he is? He's going into the f.B.I. When he gets out of college.

How many pushups do you do a day, gene?

Not pushups, Dougie. Bench presses.

Go ahead and tell him how much you lift, honey. Over 300 pounds.

- What college? - Any one he wants to.

That's right. Show us your biceps.

- Here's your biceps. - Show them, honey. Come on.

Coach.

Coach, here's to your star pupil,

the humble runner no man can catch.

Today, a badger.

Tomorrow, the world.