Feeling Randy

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Boner.

Funny word.

I wonder who made it up.

Like...

who was that first guy to just say boner?

If you think about it long enough,

you probably get one.

I mean...

I do.

And it is so worth it...

when you're alone...

just before you blow...

and everything else in the world...

disappears.

But the really great part...

is what you don't think about...

all the crappy, boring shit you have to do – that you hate.

In a minute.

One, two.

Hand me a rag, will you?

Light.

And seriously,

anything is better than holding the fucking flashlight

while dad pretends to be a car mechanic.

Come on, Randy, let's go!

Dad, do you think I could, uh...

Go on.

Get.

Give me the damn flashlight.

You know, it's not all driving around chasing girls.

Kitty Boys.

That's us.

So we got the name from this legal brothel in Nevada, the Kitty Ranch.

And I know you got to pay for it, but no more virgin crap.

Mark's my best friend, I guess,

but also a real dick.

Which is why he calls me Dandy Randy and shit, even though I'm not...

dandy.

And going to the Kitty Ranch will definitely prove I'm not, you know...

dandy.

And then there's Mark's friend Sampson,

who knows everything about the Kitty Ranch.

His older brother took him there last year for his birthday.

So he's the professional.

Adam is also a, you know...

virgin.

But he's also really smart, like...

genius,

but no one can tell because he's stoned all the time.

He took this picture of us so we could have something to remember when we got old.

I mean, we couldn't take home a souvenir from a whorehouse.

You know what I mean.

There, there.

Let's fucking get laid.

I came all over her face.

Big basketball-sized titties.

Basket, basketball.

Tit, titties.

I love basketball.

I caused a natural disaster, bro.

Hell, yeah.

I mean, you're not gonna be playing basketball with her.

I could be.

Oh, Jesus.

I myself want a woman that knows how to dress herself.

Because then, you know, I'm more attracted to that.

And maybe she could give me some fashion sense.

Jesus fucking Christ, guys.

Leave your dicks back in kindergarten.

It's like a candy wrapper, right?

When you look at candy,

You're not attracted to what the candy looks like.

Candy normally looks like shit.

You're attracted to the wrapper.

Oh my God, dude.

You're trying to undress her, man.

You're trying to get her naked and nail her.

Right, but I'm just kind of thinking about more than that.

Amway fucking rules.

Sampson sells soap and household products to the neighborhood moms.

253 Buck-a-rooneys in one hour.

He wants to be a millionaire by 25.

So I guess he's the guy to take charge of our mission to get laid.

All you got to do is get, like, ten people to sign up,

and then you step up to junior bronze.

And that is where the money is.

Here.

It's yours.

Rick Van Rich is a fucking free market genius.

He's fucking brilliant.

Oh, and by the way,

you might want to lose the baby face, my friend.

Flirting with the customers is key.

And while...

the housewives love a strong jawline, you'll get there.

But listen to that tape.

I got a whole box full.

Hey, seriously, Mark, $60 gets you a starter kit.

If I had 60 bucks, I'd spend it on some pussy.

Fucking A.

Now, that is number one, boys.

Okay.

The good Lord put pussy on this earth to be banged.

I hear that you boys need my wisdom on purchasing said pussy.

Gotta get Randy here laid before his dick falls off from lack of use.

You wanna get laid, huh?

Yeah.

I want some pussy.

Hey, there's nothing funny about a man wanting some pussy, Mark.

- Yeah, but... - I said there's nothing funny.

Alright.

Okay, maybe I'll tag along.

And not because I need to pay for it.

Because I got those bitches lining up

begging for my sweet dick.

There's no room in your bug, though.

Randy's dad's got a station wagon.

Bitchin.

Randy, my man, we're gonna get you laid.

Almost done with homework?

- Almost. - Hurry up.

It's Space: 1999 time.

Three... Two... One... Zero...

All engine running.

Liftoff! We have a liftoff.

Open your textbooks to page 85, please.

Alright.

When an individual sperm...

Mr. Randy Parker...

can you tell us?

Uh.

Can you repeat the question, please?

When an individual sperm...

fertilizes an egg...

what immediately happens to the egg?

Let's focus people.

Who has the answer for Mr. Parker?

Yes, uh, new girl, Miss, uh...

Melissa.

Yes, go on.

Okay, so the egg, like,

shuts so that all the other sperm can't get in.

Exactly.

- Dyke. - Shut up, pussy face.

Melissa!

What about him?

I will not have that kind of language in my classroom.

- From a girl, you mean. - Vice principal, now!

Not a good start, young lady.

And it begins.

And do something about that hair.

This is not Star Wars.

Redemption time for Mr. Parker.

Because you're teetering on a solid D.

- It's Randy, right? - Yeah. Yeah, Randy.

Hi... um...

uh... Melissa.

Yeah, Melissa, the dyke.

Oh, but I'm not really a dyke.

No. Yeah, I know.

I, I didn't, I just...

I was just... making conversation.

Ooh, Metamorphosis.

How you liking it?

I don't think I quite understand it.

Keep reading it. You will.

Oh, well, I have to have a book report about it due next week.

I could help.

- Really? - Yeah. Just come over to my place.

You know where, uh, Saint Mary's and Helen Lane cross?

Yeah. That's literally, like, down the street from me.

Really?

Give me your hand.

- Okay, okay. That tickles. Stop. - Oh, God, you're such a baby.

Just come over any time after four.

Yeah, okay.

So here's the plan, boys.

We're gonna throw a kegger party,

charge about $5 each per head.

That's enough to get us

sucked and fucked at the Kitty Ranch, don't you think?

Yeah, twice over.

What do you think, Randy?

Well, I, uh...

Come on, dude, like, why are you asking Randy, bro?

He's just gonna be all awkward at the party anyways.

- I don't know, he's... - Fuck you, Mark.

I'm gonna be fucking so many more whores than you are.

You know I love you, pal.

Amazing. That was amazing.

Yeah, that's... that's all I know so far.

You know, you're a really great cello...

- player, you know. - Cellist.

Right.

Cellist.

My friends and I are throwing a party tonight.

You should come. You know, we're gonna have a keg. It's gonna be a kegger.

I don't like beer.

Well...