The Boondock Saints

Our Father, who art in Heaven, hallowed be Thy name.

Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done,

on Earth as it is in Heaven.

Give us this day our daily bread,

and forgive us our trespasses,

as we forgive those who trespass against us.

And lead us not into temptation,

but deliver us from evil.

For Thine is the kingdom, the power,

and the glory now and forever.

- Amen. - Amen.

Thank you, Father Macklepenny,

for coming all the way across town to be our guest speaker.

'When I raise my flashing sword,

'and my hand takes hold on judgement,

'I will take vengeance upon mine enemies.

'And I will repay those who haste me.

'O Lord, raise me to Thy right hand

'and count me among Thy saints.'

And I am reminded on this holy day

of the sad story of Kitty Genovese.

As you all may remember,

a long time ago, almost 30 years ago,

this poor soul cried out for help,

time and time again,

but no person answered her calls.

Though many saw,

no one so much as called the police.

They all just watched as Kitty was being stabbed to death

in broad daylight.

They watched as her assailant walked away.

Now, we must all fear evil men.

But there is another kind of evil

which we must fear most,

and that is the indifference of good men.

I do believe the monsignor's finally got the point.

Aye.

Hey, Connor!

Shh!

What?

Yeah! Who's the master?

- You're gonna be training her today. - Aye.

- Basically, the rule of thumb here is... - Wait. Rule of thumb?

In the early 1900s, it was legal for men to beat their wives,

as long as they used a stick no wider than their thumb.

Can't do much damage with that then, can we?

Perhaps it should've been the "rule of wrist".

I knew you two pricks would give me problems.

Come on. It's St. Patty's Day. It's all in good fun.

Ah, fuck you! And fuck you, too!

We're sorry, all right? Just... just relax.

Oh, shit.

Hey, fuck-ass, give me a beer.

Listen. Listen, boys...

I've got some very bad news.

I'm gonna have to close down t-t-the bar.

The Russians are buying up buildings all over the town, including this one.

Fuck! Arse!

And they're not letting me renew my lease.

Let me talk to my boss.

- Maybe he can do something. - What the fuck's your boss gonna do?

Listen, fellas, I don't want anyone to know.

So you keep your traps shut!

You know what they say: People in glass houses sink s-s-ships.

Hey, Doc, I gotta buy you, like, a proverb book or something.

This mix-and-match shit has gotta go.

What?

A penny saved is worth two in the bush, isn't it?

And don't cross the road if you can't get out of the kitchen.

What's this, then?

I am Ivan Checkov, and you will be closing now.

Checkov.

Well, this here's McCoy.

We find a Spock, we've got us an away team.

I'm in no mood for discussion. You, you stay.

The rest of you, go now.

Why don't you make like a tree and get the fuck out of here!

You know he's got till the week's end, right?

You don't have to be hard-asses, do ya?

It's St. Patty's Day. Everyone's Irish tonight. Mmh.

Why don't you just pull up a stool and have a drink with us?

This is no game!

If you won't go, we will make you go.

So these two guys are kicking the shit out of each other, right?

This guy picks up an old kitchen sink or something

and fucking crushes this guy with it.

It makes a big bang.

He drives through. Look at him. His spine's all crushed.

Had to be one big motherfucker.

Huge. Three, four hundred pounds. Fucking huge.

- That's pretty thin. - Very thin.

OK. All right, all right.

Say these two guys right here, they don't even know the fucking huge guy.

They're just staggering home from a bar still all fucked up from St. Patty's last night.

They decide to take a shortcut down through the alley.

Wrong fucking alley, huh?

'Cause this big motherfucker, he's just waiting for 'em, right?

And what could be more perfect for a strong-arm robbery?

Two drunk guys all bandaged up.

They're already injured, for Christ's sakes. Look at 'em.

These guys are stumbling through the alley.

This guy takes a blunt object, fucking... Waah!

Hits the guy with the bandages around his head, right? Why? 'Cause he's smart.

He knows the guy with the bandage around his ass, he ain't going nowhere.

He's going fucking nowhere!

Where are you going? Nowhere!

That's right.

He ain't done yet.

He comes over and jumps on this guy's back and crushes him to death.

I feel something big here.

I wouldn't be surprised to see a lot of these turning up.

Brilliant!

So now we got a huge guy theory and a serial crusher theory.

Top notch.

- What's your name? - Detective Greenly. Who the fuck are you?

That's who the fuck I am.

Listen, I gotta do this by the numbers.

I.D. just came back on these guys.

They got connections with the Russian mob.

That makes it a federal matter.

And Agent Smecker here is heading up the investigation with our full cooperation.

- Why don't you get me a cup of coffee? - Who the hell is Th...?

- A café latte, twist of lemon... - What the fuck?

- Chief, what the fuck is this? - sweet 'n low.

Mitchell, Langley!

- Yes, sir. - Find the manager of this building.

See if he's had any complaints of water coming down

in any of the apartments starting just this morning.

Langley, you take that building. Same thing.

Chaffey!

- Newman! - Yes, sir.

Look in the trash around their hands. See if you can find me two bullet casings.

50-caliber if my eyes serve me right.

Newman, root through this shit.

If this was a sink,

find me some metal parts.

Give me a drain cover, faucet or something.

Got it right here, it's a 50-cal.

Chief, could you get Ballistics down here

and tell 'em they have to dig a 50-caliber slug out of a brick wall

and locate another that's been fired through a dumpster?

We have the best ballistics guy in the world. I can have him here in ten minutes.

How did you know that?

Liquid paraffin.

Came up positive.

And bullet holes are usually a big clue.

Nobody reported any gunshots.

This is an Irish neighbourhood. I'm surprised you even got a phone call.

You know, I can't find the second one, sir.

Er, look under the body.

Oh, yeah, there it is.

You guys ready for this?

This was no gangland assassination.

Though creative, it was way too sloppy.

Something went wrong here. This has "personal" written all over it.

Agent Smecker.

Yeah, this is all illegal loft housing. There's no manager on the premises.

But I found a lady on the fourth floor,

said she had water dripping down on her whole place.

It started just this morning.

- Fourth floor, huh? - Mm-hmm.

Then we're heading to the fifth.

Come on. Let's get out of here. You're reaching, man.

- It's a theory. - I don't know.

No way. You know how big a guy's gotta be to do that? Fucking huge.

Oh, really?

I might just be wanting a bagel with my coffee.

I ain't getting him no fucking bagel.

We'll start the ass kissing with you.

Agent Smecker. Agent...

Listen, I know this neighbourhood pretty good.

There's a bar down the block named McGinty's.

It stands a good chance they were there last night.

Good work, Mitchell. I'll check it out myself.

Look at the ceiling. Sense of touch alone. Wait till you feel me move.

Ooh. So quick you couldn't feel it go, could you?

Let's try it again. Try it again. Look at the ceiling. See?

It's Doc.

Thanks for coming, Doc.

Jesus Christ! What the fuck happened?

- A-Are you b-b-boys all right? - We're alive.

An F.B.I. agent came by the bar, and he left me his c-c-ca...

He left me his c-c-c-c... Oh, he fucking gave me this.

Fuck! Arse!

What are you gonna do?

We oughta turn ourselves in, tell him it was self-defense.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what he said.

How the fuck's he know that? We haven't spoken to anyone.

D-D-Don't know. He d-d-didn't say.

All right. Listen, Doc, we need you to do us a favour.

A-A-Anything.

Just hold on to this for us. We're gonna come back for it when we get out.

Right.

Fuck! Arse!

None of that cursing was directed at you. He's... He's a bit...

First of all...

I'd like to thank whichever one of you doughnut-munching,

barrel-assed, pud-pulling sissies leaked this to the press.

That's just what we need now -

some sensational story in the papers,