Ugly Americans

As you'd have them do unto you.

But most importantly,

Never judge a book by its cover.

Freeze, bloodsucker!

That's an illegal vampire conversion!

Unfortunately, some people never bother reading books

Or their covers.

I seem to recall the only way to protect yourself from a bat

Is to punch it directly in the nose.

You're confusing us with sharks.

Oh, really?

And you're confusing me with someone who gives a crap.

What happened to you?

I'll be fine.

I'm just a bit hung-over.

Such a weak species.

I'll never understand human men...

Or koala men, for that matter.

I'm excited about tonight.

Oh, me too.

Just remind me what I'm excited about again.

Our 666 anniversary.

Six weeks, six days, six hours...

Since the first time we had sex in the bathroom.

Oh, yeah, totally.

You forgot and didn't plan anything.

Oh, I have something planned, all right.

You just...Show up at

My place...

At 7:00...At night.

Can't wait.

You got to be careful with these fruit-at-the-bottom ones.

Okay?

Young man, you're here for the...

Attempted biting and illegal vampire conversion

Of a u.S. Citizen.

Your honor, I don't know if I can make you understand

Or if you've ever had a true love in your life,

But if you were me, I wouldn't want to get in the way of it.

That is, if I were a judge,

Which probably won't happen,

Because I'm leaning towards pre-med right now.

Your honor, if I may.

You may not.

Officer Grimes, you and your department

Have a long history of vampire brutality:

25 counts of assault with garlic,

Excessive staking,

Reckless use of a crucifix,

14 counts of opening blinds.

What is this, a trial or a lifetime achievement award?

You're on suspension until you and your men

Complete anger management training

To be conducted by

Leonard powers of social services.

What?

As for you two, I'm ordering you to undergo instruction

On proper vampire conversions.

Thus ends the case

Of the good, the bat, and the ugly.

And I can see the plaintiffs making their way

Out of the courtroom now.

How do you feel about the judge's decision?

No matter what, love always prevails.

He's so positive,

And his eyes change color like mood rings,

Expensive ones.

I mean, I am talking brookstone quality.

Hey, I'm over here.

Sorry, sorry.

I got caught up in the moment.

Lieutenant Grimes, is there anything

You'd like to say to the vampire community?

Yeah.

I'm coming after all you hemos out there.

Oh, and hi, mother.

I'm on tv.

Everyone, I'd like to introduce two new members

To the group:

Tristan and Blake.

Damn, I'd like to get my brain stem all up in that.

Hey, could you please show a little respect for the lady?

Lady? I'm talking about the vampire.

Yay, everyone's staring at my gorgeous boyfriend.

I'm pretty used to it by now.

It's, like, par for the course.

Like, staring at my boyfriend is, like, a par four,

And you all just hit the ball four times.

Do you understand?

I hate vampire.

They cheap, and they run all blood bank.

And the shadow government.

Hey, those are ugly stereotypes.

Let's look at the facts.

Let's see.

Avoid sunlight.

No reflections.

Feast on wild animals.

Run blood banks and the shadow government.

I tell you.

May I say something, Mark?

I assure you, those are all slanderous beliefs

Dating back to the days of the madman van helsing.

All right. That may be true.

I'm not really sure.

But the judge said if you want to be a vampire,

You'll have to be approved by the vampire processing bureau

Just like everyone else.

And how long does that take?

Says here... Six to eight weeks.

That's a really long time.

Is that it?

I thought it would have more effect

If I kept it short.

Now I'm pausing for dramatic effect.

Okay, here I go.

Don't bother coming after me!

Sorry, I should really make sure she's okay.

Of course, yeah, go ahead.

Wait! Come back!

Why'd you let him leave like that?

My is blocked.

You see, all that's required

To make your murderous rage go away

Is to count down from three, two, one.

Voila.

What does that have to do with anger management?

It didn't make you angry, right?

I suppose not.

Magic.

You see, Mr. Grimes' goon squad,

Perhaps if you think of the milk as your anger...

Interesting.

Speaks to me on many different levels.

It does? My gosh, I'm a hit.

Say, what are you fellas doing after work?

So this is the vampire processing center

Where you'll come once you get your approval.

Bureaucracy is the coolest!

Right.

This is where the conversion will take place.

You'll also be conditioned to dislike human blood.

And that station right there

Is where you'll get your fangs neutered.

So wait.

Blake doesn't even get to bite me?

No, you'll slowly lose your color

And then grow fangs after a few months.

Oh, that's perfect, 'cause if you look at my day planner,

I had "not be a vampire" down for several months.

So it's really ideal.

Again, sarcasm.

Like, if you took what I just said

And held it up to a mirror...

This gaze should keep her quiet for about an hour.

All right, listen up.

I'm suspended, but the battle rages on.

We know all the players.

We just don't know the plan,

Because they control the television news,

The press, and the weather.

Bastards!

I promise you one thing, though.

We're gonna take the fight to those neck biters

Before they take it to us!

Let it begin!

Sorry, I've never been a gangbanger before.

What should I get callie for our anniversary?

How 'bout some dirty troll tang?

Oh, wait, you already got yourself that last night.

Tell me that's not why I woke up

Under a bridge this morning.

Well, that and the horse tranquilizer.

What?

Oh, don't give me that face.

I was just trying to loosen you up a little bit.

By the way, you owe me 200 dollars

For your half of the horse tranquilizer.

You could have killed me!

First of all, I'd never kill you.

Secondly...five bucks says that's Larry King, dude.

Look, that's Larry King!

That mitzi gaynor sure has pizzazz.

He looks even older in person.

What the...

Get in, punk.

You're gonna stop processing that vampire couple.

And you're gonna start digging up some dirt

On that suck-tard Blake.

Uh... I think I'll pass.

I think you won't.

Looks like someone went trolling

On horse tranquilizers last night.

Whoa, how do you know so much about my private life, anyway?

This suspension leaves me

With a lot of free time on my hands.

Have you heard of this show Lost?

What's in that hatch?

Wait, don't tell me. Netflix.

Look, Grimes, you clearly have an unhealthy fixation here.