Black Books

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Bernard! Bernard!

It's nearly on! Come on!

- What's on? - It!

Come on!

You happy?

You happy now?

Here's your goddamn book store.

Hey, mister,

you got anything on armouries, weaponry, that kind of thing?

Military history is on your right.

I don't want your little history grotto.

I want modern warfare.

Infrared.

Fallout. Kill zones.

Military history is on your right.

If you need any help, just fire a couple of rounds into the ceiling.

Bernard!

£30.

Hey, that's expensive!

Will you shut up and pay the Scotch man?

Come on. Come on.

- What? - Come on!

Look! It's Grand National day.

Look, look, look. I've got us a runner each.

Is this what you spend your pocket money on?

Filthy gambling!?

It's not really gambling, Bernard.

It's a Grand National.

It's a moment when the whole nation comes together.

Like the opening of a Richard Curtis movie.

Or a manhunt for a serial killer.

Look, I've got us a runner each. You're Inner Space and I'm Herr Schmidt.

And they're off! Look!

Come on, come on.

Over they go. Come on, boy, girl, or whatever you are.

Oh, he fell.

What happens when they fall?

Well, they give them some oats and then shoot them in the head.

But yours is still in.

You put our money on this circus of death. You disgust me!

...

Come on! Come on! Come on, you... Yes! Yes!

- Come on. - No! You...

... at eight to one is the winner of the much old Grand National.

Bernard, you came second, but I put on an each-way bet.

So, that means you still win.

I win?

- How much? How much? - Erm...

Well, let me see. Erm...

It was 12 to 1. But it was an each-way. So...

£1.50.

How do I collect it?

You have to take the slip back to collect your winnings.

I'll do it if you like.

All right.

Now, listen.

What?

Don't...

lose...

this.

All I need is some kind of system.

There's only one system:

bet...

lose...

borrow...

steal...

lose...

take the drugs...

lose...

prison...

death!

Don't get pious. You started me off.

That's just a flutter. This is Satan's bingo.

Well, I was born to win.

Oh, yeah?

All right.

Heads or tails?

Heads.

Yeah, all right. I'll give you that one.

All right. There we are.

Tails.

All right, you had two kisses from Lady Luck.

Now she's going to spin round and knee you in the rattlers.

Tails.

Yeah, but sooner or later...

I'll run out of money.

- Fran, have you got a pound? - No. Can't waste money.

Gotta get myself a new outfit for my job interview.

I'm feeling good. I'm feeling confident. I'm gonna get this job.

I don't know why you're even bothering going. You don't stand a chance.

Nobody would employ you because you're unemployable.

I'd like to help you, but I can't, because you're so totally useless.

Well, you could help, actually. You could let me do a couple of days here.

Then I can tell them I'm currently working, which always looks better.

Yeah. And we could work together. It'd be fun.

Yeah, yeah. We could read glossy magazines and speculate about famous people's sexuality.

This place is already riddled with life-sucking parasites.

Oh, Bernard, give me a job. Just till the interview.

No, Fran, he's changed. He's on the gee-gees now.

Bernard.

Bernard!

I bet you...

20 quid, I'm so hopeless, I never get another job, ever.

I'll give you a job.

You start tomorrow.

Ha-ha-ha.

- Colleague. - Co-worker.

Right.

You, keep an eye on her.

And you, keep an eye on him.

I've got a universe to master.

The boss is away. It gets even better.

I brought croissants.

So, er, what did you see on TV last night?

Didn't watch it.

Don't watch much TV.

- What about you? - No. Wasn't much on.

Please may I have a bet

on Via Appia in the Lingfield race at 3:30 this afternoon?

Thank you.

I will bet £10 that this horse wins.

Here is my £10.

Thank you.

I hope it wins.

Yours faithfully, Bernard Black.

Now, this is the desk...

and this is the chair.

- I know. Now, I thought... - Don't interrupt.

This is the till...

and this stays on the desk.

The chair remains next to the desk.

- Stop! - What?

This is a woman who ran her own business for years.

Now, come on, there's work to do.

You're keen. I like that.

But wait.

This is the book.

Now, when we make a sale, it goes in the book.

The title goes here. The cost goes here.

At the end of the day, we add up.

Where's the running total?

It... What? You don't need a running total.

We'll keep a running total.

There's no column for it.

Yes, there is.

The... the... the book! The book!

Come on! Come on! Yes!

Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!

Bastard!

- Bad day? - No, it's good.

That's it. I've had it with this caper.

So you haven't stuck anything on Au Naturel in the five o'clock?

No.

Shame. Can't lose.

Yeah, yeah.

Why you can't... Why can't it lose?

It loves the soft.

The jockey hasn't eaten anything but minted peas for a month.

And he's trying to put his house on the race.

Au Naturel in the five o'clock.

That's 100:1.

What? No, no, no.

- Which horse, then? - Erm...

French Pie.

And I know you think I've made the right decision because you've given me that look.

Wryly amused and also faintly disgusted and depressed.

There you go. French Pie.

And it's Au Naturel. Au Naturel the winner by six lengths.

And it's over to Newbury now for the six o'clock.

You should have listened.

Still, no big thing, eh?

- Bernard, she drew a line in the book with a big, blue... - Bernard, he's useless. He has absolutely no idea.

Silence! Silence!

Nobody can speak unless they're holding...

this pencil.

Bernard, may I have the pencil, please? I wish to speak.

No.

Now, it has come to my attention this morning...

while reviewing my portfolio, that I cannot afford to pay two employees.

- That's not fair. - He should go.

An interesting situation.

So, what I'm prepared to do is

you can have a week in which to sell as many books as possible.

And whoever sells the most gets to keep the one job I am offering.

- That's not fair. I would... - Well, it's going to be me.

And the most important point is...

whenever you see me – I really can't stress this enough –

you give me...

immediately...

all the money.

- He has no idea what money looks like. - She's messing up the whole system.

Bernard, this is totally unfair.

Bernard, it's not fair because you haven't laid down the rules properly.

- I saw her first. - The bitch is mine.

Hi.

- Can I help? - I'm just looking for a light holiday read.

Perhaps these may appeal.

Browse me!

...