It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

- - What is the time capsule butt, butt?

We're about to open this time capsule that we buried 10 years ago.

- Oh. - Yeah.

What'd you put in there? Oh, man. We just put a bunch of stuff in here...

that we thought would be valuable one day.

Like, uh, let's see... We got a Gregg Jefferies baseball card.

Future All-Star. Future All-Star. Uh, we got a Korn CD.

Uh, we got a copy of Cider House Rules on laser disc.

Don't know why we thought that would be valuable. That's a collector's item.

That's gonna be very... Be very careful with that. Oh, my God, you guys.

This is a letter to my future self. What?

Yeah. "Dear Future Dee, how's Hollywood?

Congrats on all of your success. Stay grounded.

Enclosed is a check for one million dollars.

Be sure to give it to Dr. Larry Meyers as a thank-you for all of his inspiration."

That's stupid. This is just stupid.

Who's Dr. Larry Meyers? Nobody. It doesn't matter.

He was my high school drama teacher. This is just dumb.

Like, why would we put such stupid stuff in here?

And also, we buried it and then we opened it 10 years later?

What, are you supposed to just bury it, open it right up...

and not give yourself any time to fulfill any kind of dreams?

The whole thing's dumb. Like... Cider House Rules? Okay.

Hormones.

Wow. She's all worked up.

It's the failure. It's the failure.

It's sad. It's sad.

What else is in there? Uh... Oh! Old pictures!

Pictures! Holy shit. Look at that!

Look! "The gang."

Whew.

Who's this jag-off? Look.

- Oh, that's Schmitty! - Schmitty!

He was the fourth member of our crew.

There was another member of the gang? Oh, yeah, dude.

I miss him. Why did we ditch him in the first place? I don't know.

Eh, he wasn't a good fit. Remember?

You know? Kind of got on our nerves.

He didn't get on my nerves. No, he never got on my nerves.

I actually really loved that guy. You know what?

I remember now. Charlie soured on him. No.

And then he, like, gave us an ultimatum.

You remember? And then we all turned on the guy pretty quickly.

I mean, we all agreed he was out of the...

You pushed him out of a moving car and yelled, "You're out of the gang!"

Now, in hindsight that does seem a little rash.

Yeah, it was a bit of a snap decision.

Why don't you call this Schmitty guy up and see what he's up to now?

You know, I do feel like we owe the guy an apology.

Yeah. You know what? I'd love to see Schmitty. I would too.

Yeah, but that's a bad snap decision, you know?

There's a reason he didn't work out. Let's go.

We got a good thing going on now without him.

We don't need a new member of the gang.

Don't get Schmitty. Don't get Schmitty. I like Schmitty. He's nice.

I'm really pumped to meet this guy. Ah, he was the coolest.

Seriously.

Oh, hey. Hey! Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Mrs. Schmit. Hey, it's, uh... it's Dennis.

Yeah, and Mac. You remember us, right?

We're looking for Schmitty. He around?

Ah, he's dead.

Oh. What?

Oh, gosh. That is too bad.

- We're sorry for your loss. - Yee-aaah!

What's up, bitches?

- Oh! - Is that Schmitty?

Yeah, it's Schmitty! We thought you were dead.

He made me say it. "He made me say it." Listen to you, Mom.

Thank you for playing along. You're a sweetheart.

You see that shit? He jumped down a whole flight of stairs.

Yeah, I didn't see you down there, Chuckles. How you been, little man?

Not that little, you know? Regular size.

- Maybe he, but... - Not anymore.

- Put on a few LB's since I saw you last, huh? - Nope!

Same weight. Same weight I always been. He put on a lot of weight.

No, you tacked on weight. I tacked on mass. Muscle mass.

Who's this old son of a bitch?

I'm Frank. Frank?

Frank. I'm Schmitty. Nice to... Put her there.

- No! - Don't kiss him!

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey, uh, so what brings you dicks here, huh?

Oh, well, Schmitty, um, honestly, we came around here because we, um...

- Go ahead. - Want to say we're sorry, Schmitty,

that... that we...

Can you take this, Mac? Yeah, man, I got this.

We just want to say we're sorry for icing you out in the past, and we'd like your forgiveness.

- Yeah. - Get on your knees and ask.

- Excuse me? - Get down on your knees and ask.

Show some humility, for Christ's sake.

Really? Yeah.

Aw, man. Whatever it takes, Schmitty.

- Wow, you're really doing it. I'm kidding. I'm kidding! - Oh! Oh, he's joking!

Oh, man! Come on, guys! Have some dignity, some respect for yourselves.

Do you forgive us? Absolutely.

That's classy, Schmitty. Very classy.

Dr. Meyers?

Yes? Hi.

Dee Reynolds.

I was in the school musical. Frankenstein.

Yes, of course! Deandra Reynolds!

Yeah! Sit, darling.

Thank you. Sit.

Listen, I came to talk to you about high school. I...

Oh, uh...

I was drinking a lot back then, so if I did anything inappropriate...

Oh, no, no, no. No, not at all.

In fact, the opposite. You were, like, the most inspiring teacher I had.

In fact, I wrote you this check 10 years ago...

with the hopes that I could one day give it to you as a thank-you.

May you rot in hell, you wretched beast!

Oh. Um...

I'm confused. Uh...

Frankenstein.

That's what the villagers screamed at you...

just before you threw yourself on the funeral pyre.

Oh, you were such a hideous delight in that show.

Thank you. Yes, okay.

So what you're saying is, don't give up. I shouldn't give up on my dream of being...

No, my dear. You must give up. You must.

It's far too late for you.

But it's not too late to teach.

Come speak to the kids. Inspire them.

It's an opportunity to share your unique experiences.

Uh-huh. The question is:

Will you seize it?

Mmm.

No, thank you.

Five, four, three, What? No, I just never wanted to be...

Two, one. Teaching doesn't... No offense. What are you doing?

Okay, yes. And there you have it!

A teacher is born.

There we are.

Man, this is unbelievable. Working at a bar? Running a bar?

This has got to be, like, the greatest job ever, right?

It is, man. This is what we do. A lot of dicking around.

Hey, um, you're still, uh, living with your mom, huh? That sounds kind of lame.

Yeah, well, I mean, it's the M.S. that's really lame.

You know? Oh, your mom has...

Yeah, yeah. Yeah. She's doing all right though.

I moved in with her to take care of her and stuff like that.

It's good to really get to know her before, you know, uh, she moves on.

Kind of a downer, that story though. Kind of a downer.

What about you, man? What's your living situation like these days?

- Oh, it's pretty sweet. - I am. I'm his living situation.

He lives with me. Oh, yeah?

Yeah, we share a bed. Well, not every night.

That's hilarious. Charlie and I used to be roomies.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. You remember that?

Oh, yeah. Hey, you remember how you used to try to get me...

to play all those lame games?

You know, those weird things you would want to do at night? Like, uh, Night Crawlers?

We play Night Crawlers all the time. You do?

Well, Frank enjoys those games very much. Oh. Oh.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but to make Night Crawlers a little bit better,

you should use blankets, right?

- They could be the dirt! - Exactly.

You could use it as a force field or as a roaming base.

It's a great idea. It's not a good idea though,

because it's an imagination-based game.

No, it's still imagination-based.

Oh!

I had an idea!

Dennis, remember you and Mac and you guys...

were laughing at me doing the butt dance?

They love that when I do it. Guys, watch me. Watch me, will you?

Oh, yeah!

Five, six, seven, eight!

Where is this coming fr... This is not... This is embarrassing.

God, this is just humiliating.

Hey, Charlie, you're not having fun doing it, so we're not having fun watching it, buddy.

Watch. It's like this. It's more... I don't know. Something like, uh...

Butt... butt!

Woo, woo, woo, woo! Hyah!

- -

Butt dance 2.0. Butt dance 2.0.

- I'll drink to that. - You know what you got that Charlie doesn't quite have?

You have that "it" factor. You know what I'm saying?

Charisma. It's, like, you got it.

Hey, you guys!

Can I talk to you in the back office for a second real quick?

I can't believe this dude. He has not changed in years, man!

Look, you guys need to make a decision right now, okay? It is either him, or it is me!

Him. Yeah.

I was gonna say him too. Yeah, him, him.

It's always been him. I don't know why I didn't see that before.

I'm out of the gang?

Him. Him.

Hello, everybody. Hi there.

My name is Dee Reynolds, and not only am I a professional actress and comedienne,

uh, but I also used to go to school here.

What have you acted in? [Phone Beeping, Chirping]

A lot of... A lot. I've acted in a lot of things.

Y-You may not have seen all of them or any of them.

It's not time for questions. I'll let you know when it's time for questions though, okay?

And the phone goes away. And the phone goes into your pocket or into your backpack.

But not out in your fingers, because I'm talking.

- Nah, I'm a'ight. - Yeah. Said the turkey.

Uh-oh. Oh, no.

Who's she? Who's she? She's somebody that'll zing you back. Right?