Roses & Thorns

[air strumming to Steely Dan's "Reelin' In The Years"]

- Hey! -

Lonnie? Lonnie!

Huh?

I got you an Egg McMuffin.

-Huh? -And, your choice…

Either a McFlurry with M&M's or a strawberry shake.

For breakfast? Neither.

Both for me. Yes!

What are you doing?

-Where'd you go there? -What do you mean?

Well, you're laying here all bug-eyed and zoning out.

-You still thinking about Old Henry? -No. No.

I was just… I was just meditating, yeah.

-Just trying to get psyched up. -For what?

Well, 'cause this is the first cut I made this season.

I need this. I need to win. I mean, think about it.

I'm… I'm 42 years old.

Oh, you're not joking, okay.

I gotta make it back up to the Tour. Know what my son said to me last week?

-"Dad, I'm a homosexual." -What?

-"I'm gonna join the Marines." -No. No, he did not say that.

Hmm.

He said to me that he thought I should retire.

Open up a pro shop and a checking account.

-You don't have a checking account? -I don't have time.

-I've never had time. -Oh. Okay.

I mean, he needs to know the real Lonnie Hawkins.

I think you should show him the real Lonnie Hawkins,

what you just said.

-Let's fucking do it. -Let's fucking do it, man.

-Give me that McFlurry. -No.

Give me that McF--

I will fight you to the fucking death.

- So what's your tee time? -Hmm?

Your tee time?

Uh… 12:30.

Back-to-back wins if you win tomorrow.

Now that would send a message to the golf world.

Uh-huh. What's up, dude?

Look, we've got this. We've been manifesting all morning.

-Right, Lance? -Yeah, we've been manifesting it up.

-Manifesting? -Now, what exactly is manifesting?

I know, but you should tell him.

Yeah, manifesting is an enriched state of concentration

that aligns your thoughts, emotions, and actions

with your goals and desires and makes them a reality.

-I'm gonna manifest myself another mimosa. -

You can manifest all you want,

but those other golfers with their "Yes, ma'am" and "No, ma'am…"

It's like they were all squirted out of the same polite white boy tube

straight into polo shirts, so don't be fooled,

because they're pro golfers, and they're animals,

and they're here to tear Lance a new asshole, so manifest on that.

Wow, okay. Well, look… Remember, Lance, you're gonna be fine.

You've done the work. You're ready for this.

- Mm-hmm. -Calm.

-Calm. -Focused.

-Focused. -Present.

-Present. -We know what we want.

We know what we want.

- Hmm. - Interesting.

Do you, Lance? You know what you wanna do today?

Uh… yeah.

-Win. -That's what Mama wants to hear.

Okay, I'm gonna go see who's sleeping with who,

and I will see you, my darling, at the end of your round.

Okay.

-I love you so much. -Love you.

This guy is ripped.

Look at the way his pants hug his legs.

More like an MMA fighter than a golfer.

Hey, just 'cause he's ripped and has long, beautiful eyelashes

does not change the fact that we are here to hand some ass today, right?

Yeah. Yeah, okay, we're gonna hand some ass.

-Damn! - Wow!

- - Oh.

- Get in the hole! -Nice shot, Jasper.

A 2009 number one golfer, Lonnie Hawkins.

Yeah! Come on, y'all! Give it up, give him something!

Let's go!

Hey there, little buddy, how you been? Yeah, good?

Listen, um…

I'm in a little bit of a situation right now.

You need to go farther than that ball, okay?

Please?

No, no, no, no, no.

Eyes over here, not over there.

Besties for life.

- -

Come on, now.

- -

You little shit, I asked you to do one goddamn thing.

Left!

-Fuck! God… -

Lonnie.

-Know what I think is weird? -No, but you're gonna tell me.

Your mom runs up and kisses you after every round you play.

Only if I win.

Well, maybe when you win today, you could kiss me instead of your mom.

Why?

I don't know, 'cause I'm about to be your wife.

And maybe kissing your mom on the lips on national television is weird.

I don't think… I think you're making this weird.

-I don't think it's weird. -It's weird.

Okay, well, it's just, it's… It's like kind of our thing.

Isn't that much better?

My mom's a better kisser, I thi--

-Oh my God. -I'm joking, it's a joke.

Are you?

Let's see, we're about 220, 230…

Gosh, what do I do? Go for it?

Maybe I lay up? Shit, I don't know.

-You know what? Give me the five wood. -All right.

Know that gorgeous guy we're playing against with the long eyelashes?

No.

Well, long eyelashes are actually a sign that you have seasonal allergies.

-Yeah. -Okay.

Well, we're not just playing against that guy.

In golf, you play against the entirety of the field.

Mmm. Well, that's a relief, because we've done 12 holes already,

and that guy's killing us.

The hardest game in the world.

Hmm.

-Oh, mama, I'm back. -

Oh, I'm not back.

No, mama. Left! Left! Left!

Fore!

-Fore! -

-Ooh… - Medic!

Sorry.

Sorry. Sorry.

Why am I playing so bad?

-Let's get her strapped in. -

Ma'am, a little respect. Mr. Hawkins is trying to hit his ball.

-Argh! -

-Dirty whore. -What?

You heard him! He called you a dirty whore!

-Shut up! -No, no, Sam, I was talking to the ball.

-Not her? -No.

-Oh. -Ma'am. Ma'am, I'm so sorry.

I just hit a bad shot. I meant no disrespect.

You know what?

How would you like a very special Lonnie Hawkins stamped golf ball?

It's very collectible.

Okay, try to make a fist.

There you go, squeeze it.

Never mind.

Hey, your forehead helped my lie, if that's any consolation.

- Sorry about that. - Hey, kid.

You didn't see shit.

12:30 start, Lance Hawkins.

Let's go, Lance! Let's go!

About 275 to carry.

Stay to the right, and you'll be good.

Hey, do me a favor. Check on my dad, will you?

Mom told me he made the cut down at the Korn Ferry.

-Just wanna see how he's doing. -Got it.

Nice.

-How's he doing? -Brutal.

Six back.

Bogied the last three holes.

I tried to tell him, Carl, it's a young man's game.

I mean, you know how much I'd love to play in a tournament with him.

Is that so?

Yeah, it's just not gonna happen, though.

It's too bad. I would've really loved that.

Shit!

Do you want me to get you a different club?

Something with a scoop to it, maybe?

There's no scoop club, Sam.

-What is happening? - Oh my God.

Why can't I hit that ball?

-You all right, bud? - Why does this ball hate me?

-Are you fucking the sand? - Why?

How's he doing now?

Well, he was fornicating with a bunker and almost killed a woman.

I don't even care. It's just… it's funny.

When I heard he made the cut for the first time in a long time,

I was like, "Hey, maybe he still has some gas left in the tank after all."

You know how much I'd love to play in a tournament with my dad.

-Yeah, you've said that before. -I just… I kind of feel bad for him.

You know, the funny thing is, he probably thinks I'm afraid of him.

-Oh, come on. - I'm not.

-No, of course not. - I'm not.

No. No, no.

We're not handing ass, are we?

I'm lucky if we get off this green with a triple goddamn bogey,

so no, we have not handed a single ass.

It's called Teed Off, Darcy.

It's kind of like teeing off in golf, but with attitude.

I love it. So fun.

Oh, you're so sweet.

Stacy Hawkins, as I live and breathe.

-Hello, Darcy. -Hi. Call me.

Anton. What a pleasure.

I see that boy of yours is off to a great start.

-Oh, he sure is. -The PGA Tour needs young men like him.

You don't have to worry about Lance. He's not his father. That's for sure.