Saint Nick (Saint / Sint) (Sint)

your parents just told you...

...he doesn't exist

My name is St. Nicholas.

Goert, go and check the pigs.

Goert, listen to me.

Don't forget to put your coat on.

Where can St. Nicholas put your present? - He'll have to wait.

Get a move on.

There, there. Calm down.

Everything's fine.

There, there.

St. Nicholas.

The fire went out.

Number three.

Amsterdam present day

That's when St. Nicholas knew what to get, a present for in bed.

l wonder what that is.

So, have fun and don't make too much noise. From a friend who's into toys.

l can come by if you want.

Read the instructions first.

You bastard.

Come on guys. Do that in your own time.

Congratulations. That's our sixth dildo, breaking last year's record of five.

Funnily enough, St. Nicholas hasn't forgotten Frank.

No way. That's a mistake.

How about some clean underwear?

l love big boxes.

St. Nicholas must hold you very dear.

There will be no party for Frank.

This year he'll only get spanked.

Speak up, Frank. So, everyone can hear you.

Louder.

You have betrayed St. Nicholas' trust, because you're full of lust.

Frank, you just got the sack, no need for you to come back.

Not a penny St. Nicholas will spend, rest assured, this is the end.

Who's calling the emergency services?

l warned you.

l'll give you two euros for the whole box.

l hope St. Nicholas kept the receipt. l've got this already.

There is no better way to demonstrate the theory of action is reaction.

Loser.

You should have just made a wishlist. - Now you've got stuff you don't want.

lf you need a good cry, we understand.

And leave you alone with all those bad girls? l don't think so.

Be sure to be on time. Eight o'clock sharp. - When will my scooter be fixed?

Prick.

What's gotten into him? - lt's kind of harsh to break up like that.

Why didn't you just text him? - l could have put nude photos online.

You have nude photos? - l'll email them to you.

You'd been going out for six months.

He shouldn't have messed around with that girl in the bicycle shed.

Really?

-According to Laura. But she still believes in St. Nicholas.

l wanted to break up anyway.

She's had a new guy for three months. - New guy? Who?

They met at yoga class and hit it off. He works in a tattoo parlour.

So, you've been cheating on Frank for three months?

Well, two and a half really.

Were you the girl in the bicycle shed? You're blond.

And you play hockey. - Don't be daft.

Who are you sleeping with these days? - Lisa doesn't do sex before marriage.

Well, guess who's the odd woman out here in Amsterdam.

Are there any cute guys in your class? - Not really.

You can borrow this if you want.

Give it to St. Nicholas' horse.

St. Nicholas could use it. - He has a staff.

With that curly bit at the end.

l'll see you tomorrow. lf you're still around that is.

Where are you going? - l've still got to buy presents.

Bye. - Bye.

l'm glad we don't have that commercial nonsense at home.

What does she mean by 'if you're still around'?

Haven't you heard Laura's story? -About Frank and the bicycle shed?

No, about St. Nicholas. - No, what about it?

There's a full moon tonight.

There's a full moon on December 5 only every 32 years.

And? Great isn't it?

Legend has it St. Nicholas is out to get you if there's a full moon on December 5.

Only misbehaved kids, right?

No, he's not that fussy.

Kids, adults...

Laura says he cuts your throat and then rips your heart out with his bare hands.

Or your eyes. - How does she get these stories?

Some colleague of her dad's at the police.

Vivid imagination.

Who thinks of these things?

Do you want to come by? l'm babysitting my brother.

No, not tonight. - Slave to commerce are we?

l've got to write five poems.

l'll have that joint by myself then. See you.

Watch out who you open the front door to.

lt might be the 'evil' St. Nicholas.

What the hell are you doing here? - Sorry.

You gave me a fright.

Don't come here. Sophie might see you. - Why not? She dumped me.

But she's still one of my best friends. - You didn't care a while ago.

l was drunk. - After two Breezers?

l can't help it.

l must say she dumped me in style. Fancy a necklace?

Did you know she has someone else?

When l saw her nipple piercing l knew.

Why didn't you dump her then? - Have you ever seen Sophie naked?

You men have a one track mind. - True.

How much beer can you handle?

l can't figure out why she didn't tell me. - You didn't tell her about us.

Neither have you.

Complicated, isn't it? - lndeed.

Are your parents in? - Why?

Then you can give me your present. - No, l don't want to now.

What?

Us.

l'm just not sure. - Are you going to dump me too?

Who said we were going steady?

Great. l came all this way...

Listen, l just need a bit of time.

Okay. l'll be off then.

You're just the same as your friend: a stuck-up Amsterdam-South girl.

Come on. - Bye.

Hey Goert, you just murdered four bottles of wine.

Try justifying that as self-defence.

Goert, can l speak to you for a minute?

Very funny, guys. Very funny.

This is awkward. We've known each other for 20, 25 years.

l'm worried about you.

Have you ever considered getting professional help?

Are you saying l need it?

ln my 40 years here l've never seen anyone execute their St. Nicholas present.

Admit it, it's slightly odd.

The police must do something. We're here to protect the people.

l've read your report.

Ban all St. Nicholas activities?

Double all police patrols on December 5? l thought you were pulling my leg.

Everything in the report is based on facts.

You're scaring the hell out of everyone with this stuff.

Some people out there believe that nonsense.

The reason l joined the police was to protect people from evil.

lf the time came, l wanted to make a difference.

And believe me, that time has come.

December 5 will never be the same if we do nothing.

What happened 40 years ago can't be undone.

Not now, not in the future.

Take up a couple days off.

Go somewhere else and celebrate.

l can't go. lt's my duty.

Alright, l'm putting you on leave for the whole month.

You can't do that. - l don't want to see you till January.

niklas report by goert hoekstra

Has the battery gone too? - Let's hope not.

71 43 over.

71 43. - Where are you exactly?

We're bobbing around on the lJ. ls anyone coming?

The 44 is on the Amstel. They're on their way, but it may take a while.

Okay. Tell them to hurry up.

We want to go home. Bobbing around isn't all that.

l've got to deliver presents to four neighbours.

That'll take a while.

A boat? - Nothing at all.

You'll be mad to go out in a boat in this weather.

What? - l smell something burning.

As if something burned out.

ls that the 44? - No, it's a truck in North.

That smell.

Shit. - What?

That can't be a boat. lt's coming directly at us. And fast too.

This is 71 43, over.

This is urgent. This is 71 43, over.

Damn it.

l told you, it's that blasted battery.

lt's Frank.

l'm sorry about earlier. l was pissed off with Sophie.

l was a bit rude too, sorry.

lf you and l don't get together, it doesn't matter.

l understand. l mean, l'm not exactly easy to get along with.

What happened? - Stupid presents. l just cut my finger.

l've always said we should abolish St. Nicholas. All that nonsense.

But then you won't make any money. - l'll dress up as Father Christmas.

l'll call you back. l need to get a plaster. - Okay. Be careful.

You too.

When are you going to clean up this mess? l can't even play tarot.

Tomorrow, l'm almost done.

Do you really have to go out?

You're asking St. Nicholas if he has to work tonight? He can't just skip a year.

Maybe not a bad idea.

This St. Nicholas keeps his word. - lt makes me uncomfortable.

Have you been playing tarot? Something strange in horoscope?

l'm not feeling well.

And that's why l should stay home?

Be careful. lt's slippery and misty.

And all the bad first year students will be sitting on my lap.

lt's hard work, but someone's got to do it.

Don't drink as much as last year. l could barely clean your beard.

l'll get you some chocolate letters and marzipan.

Be careful. -As always.

lt's the day he died.

Who? - St. Nicholas.

People think it's his birthday, but he died on December 5.

lsn't that great? Dying on your birthday.

He was brutally murdered. Now, he's back for revenge.

Come on, Goert. Cheer up.

He's a children's friend who brings presents from Spain.