House on Eden

Aah!

Oh!

What happened?

-A fucking bird just dive-bombed me,

and I dropped my meat sticks!

-Violent. -Where'd it go?

-Please tell me you got that on film.

Only on my eyes. I'm sorry.

-Come on, guys, we have so many cameras this trip.

-Film it all. -I know.

-You're expecting too much of me.

I'm gonna go get another snack.

-She's gonna go get more meat sticks.

Alright. Recording.

Alright, so what's up with this place?

-I am so excited, dude. I went on Google.

There's literally 72 articles. And the best part?

There's a story that resonates with all three of us.

Okay. Alright.

And for you to be sounding this excited kind of gets

me a little excited. -I'm pumped.

Why is there a swastika on the table?

Let's go, muchachos.

Let's hit the road, quit dilly-dallying.

Let's go.

-What'd you get? -Nothing for you.

Okay.

-What about me? -I got all the snacks for you.

Very country-looking out here. Holy fuck.

-What up? -Look at that.

Beautiful.

-Those are fields of food. Look at that.

We're in cousin-fucking country now.

-We're in cousin-fucking country. Whoo-hoo! Whoo!

-Oh, God. -What?

-Something is not right. -What are you doing?

-Jay, I've done something unflattering.

-Oh, God, what did you do? -Can you fix this?

- -That should be better.

-Okay. -Alright.

We gotta learn how to use these cameras

if we're gonna be filming the next few nights.

-I know how to work a fucking camera.

-Okay. -I don't. No promises.

I can hold it.

Okay, well, you know,

I already made one shitty horror movie in my lifetime.

I don't need to make another one.

Say "horror" one more time.

"Har-ar."

-Horror! -Horror!

Horror! Horror!

Horror-or-or-or.

What is that?

-Dude, I think that black bird is following you.

Oh! Shut up!

-Birds, man. -He wants you.

He wants to be inside you.

It's not funny. -It's kind of funny.

Guys, I have to poop. -Aw.

-What? We just stopped.

There's no gas stations here. I don't know --

What do you want me to do?

-It's fine. I have my shitting shack.

Oh, my Go--

While Jay and Celina are taking a piss,

I'm gonna tell you about the little surprise

that I have for them.

So I have been in the bowels of online forums --

...went missing like 60 years ago,

and I think it could all be, like, tied into something

and we could actually find something

that nobody's ever found before.

So they don't know it yet.

Look at this fucking guy.

Must be so nice to be a guy!

It sure as shit is.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

My...

Ow.

What the hell are you doing?

Um...

Hey, I was playing Rock, Paper, Scissors, to be honest.

Are you taking a shit?

I am. Can you smell it?

-I told you not to bring this thing.

Look how convenient it's been.

You know what, Kris? When you need to shit,

you're gonna be really happy this is here

and Jay doesn't have to hold your hand to keep you up.

-Rock, paper, scissors, shoot. Rock, paper, scissors, shoot.

Oh, fuck! Dude, is that your shit?!

-Oh, my God! No, no. -It's in a bag.

-Where are you gonna put it? -In the back.

No, you are not gonna put --

Oh! Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Okay, okay.

I spy something that is green.

A tree.

-Yes! It's trees. -Oh, man.

It's trees.

I spy something that is orange.

-Oh. -Ohh.

-Oh. Uh, what? -Your hair!

No, good guess, though.

The emergency light on on this van.

-Oh. -Who rented this?

Was this your idea? You know what?

We're in a freaking wheelchair van.

-But look at the space that we have for activities.

-I love to play the license-plate game,

but clearly there is...

-There's nobody here. -Where the hell are we?

This is probably a terrible angle.

Probably.

-Do you know what's good about the wheelchair van?

-What? -I can literally come up here,

stand because I'm 5 feet tall.

-Don't stand up! You need to put a seatbelt on!

Celina. No! Celina!!

You know what? I'm working something up.

-Hold on. You're not recording, Celina.

Oh. What?

You're not recording.

Oh, fuck. I hit it.

Guys, I'm getting, like, a little concerned

that we haven't seen, like, a soul.

-Uh, yeah, I think that's a good sign.

That means this video is gonna be even creepier.

Where the fuck are we going?

I checked the GPS.

Yeah, we're not going the right way.

-What? -We're taking a little detour.

-What? -What? Where?

-So I asked around, and apparently there's, like,

an abandoned/haunted house --

-Kris, we're supposed to be at the cemetery at 7:30.

-I know, but it's a graveyard. It can wait.

Okay? I-I want to do something cool.

I want to do something that we've never done before.

This is what we planned for.

- It's only, like, 10 minutes away.

-Dude, pull over. Stop. -What the fuck, man?

-I didn't think you guys would actually get mad.

Like... -I've been spending hours.

I spent, like, eight hours researching this

and putting the files together in the write-up.

-I get it, I-I'm sorry. I get that, I get that,

but we're doing the most basic shit.

We keep going to different locations.

It's the same thing every single time.

Something that people have done all the time.

And I just wanted to surprise you guys

to a place that nobody's ever been before

or that I know of, at least. -It'd be nice to be involved,

to have, like, an idea so we could research so we could be,

like, fucking prepared. -Thank you.

-I mean, improv. Like, we could just show up and do something.

We don't always have to be so -- so fucking rehearsed.

Like, it's fucking boring.

I want to do something exciting,

and I thought this would be exciting.

I'm sorry I didn't involve you guys, but it's just --

You're fucking party poopers half the time.

-Not having the facts makes me feel like an idiot.

When you talk to a camera and you say the wrong shit,

that's not cool.

-Okay. That's fair, that's fair.

-It's the Kris show, dude. It's the Kris show all the time.

Okay, okay.

-Thank you. Someone finally said that.

Alright.

I'm sorry I didn't involve you guys.

I still think it's worth going and just checking it out.

It's not that far. We could just check it out.

I am thinking the best for the entire group.

It's not just about me,

as much as you guys want to think that.

I really think that this could be really, really fucking cool.

-No one's ever been there before?

-Not that I know of. -Nothing on YouTube?

No, I researched that much.

-I mean, that's cool, but, dude, just fucking communicate

with us, man. Like, we're spending --

-Dude, dude, dude... -Alright, alright.

-Just cut it. It's going the wrong way.

Alright, alright. Yeah.

-I just -- Like, you guys are my best friends.

I just want to be successful with you guys

and make something really fucking cool.

And I don't want to do basic shit anymore.

-We all want that. We all want that.

I want that.

-Alright, we're losing daylight, so...

Yeah, let's get going.

-I don't want to end up on a back road at, like, 10:30.

Yeah. Alright.

-Alright, so I'm about to prove to these guys