Crashing

- Oh my God, Peter! - Sweetest.

What?

Who is this?

I'm sorry, I should have grabbed a bigger towel.

My wife slept with somebody else, today.

Oh, boy. - Yeah, oh, boy.

Go write some jokes.

I saw your set. I mean, top five worst I've ever seen.

You heard what I said, right?

Yes!

Oh, dude.

- You're upset. - Yes, I'm upset.

You... you stole my wife.

I'm setting you free, I'm shaking your cage.

You don't belong here anymore.

You know what you're supposed to do, so do it.

Free live comedy tonight.

Look at us, we're gonna do a set tonight.

Following the dream, we're grinding it out.

I'm happy to be with you guys.

What the fuck's wrong with you?

I'm going through a divorce,

I'm kind of floating around.

Oh, you're homeless.

No.

- No. - I can't, it's so sad.

Don't put your face in this pillow, bad shit happens to this pillow.

This is why we sent you to Christian camp,

so these things wouldn't happen to you.

I did everything I was supposed to.

I didn't drink, I didn't smoke. I didn't have sex.

Please stop touching my balls.

- Okay. - I'm sorry.

This is comedy, this is what I want to do.

Honey, how will you survive?

I have no job, I have no money, I have nowhere to stay.

I need to be with you.

I love you so much, Jess.

Shut up! I trust Jesus.

Hallelujah!

I'm really excited about our friendship, man.

We're not friends.

We're broke, together.

That's how it starts.

Peter! You have risen.

God! Man, this is my area!

Y... Y... Y... You just opened a wall of my bedroom.

Even when you're wearing pants I can see your dick.

Huh.

What do you want?

It's not about what I want,

it's about what I need,

which is a conversation with you, man.

What is the point of us having this communal existence

if I have no one to commune with, Pete?

Where are you all the time? You're working or something,

out all night. You're sleeping, resting, or something all day.

I'm sorry, I work... I work, yes, at night, and then I'm out late.

It's not like I'm partying. I'm doing... I'm following my dream.

And then I don't have time to come home

and also be your best friend.

We can't have an old couple's argument, man.

You have to pull your weight.

You fucked my wife.

Yes, I fucked your wife, but that doesn't help pay the bills.

Believe me, I wish it did, but we gotta work.

Uh, what do you wanna mix in?

Oh, uh, let's, uh... let's put some gummy bears in there.

Chocolate and gummy bears, okay.

You're... You're really good at this.

Thanks. Here you go.

Oh, please. No, thank you.

If you tip, it's a whole thing. We have to do, like, a song...

Well, I'll... I'll leave it there.

Woman: Oh, guys, we got a tip!

Ooh! Come on...

Two for one with a flyer, great live comedy.

Great live comedy tonight. Two for one with a flyer.

Got a great live comedy show.

Um, hey. Uh, hi, are you the manager here?

No. Hi, great live comedy, we got a great...

you're looking for Jason. He... He won't be here, for, uh, a little bit.

Oh, okay, um...

Great live comedy?

Do you have a complaint or something?

No. I'm Ali. I'm a comedian,

and I was just gonna see if there's a chance

I could do a short set? I'm trying to make this tape.

My name is Pete, I'm... I'm actually a comedian.

Oh, hi. Oh, cool. Hi. I'm on the show, too.

I mean, not that you're on the show.

You wanna be on the show.

I would love to. That would be amazing.

I just work the door when Jason's running late.

I... I don't really... run the club, I just do it for stage time.

Cool. And you don't have to, like, bark on a corner?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, this is...

Home base.

Great live comedy, guys, great live comedy.

Uh, well, you know, it's kinda... slow, but...

Yeah, that's why... if it's slow, you could just...

squeeze me in? That would be so awesome, so...

Uhh... Let... Let's see, I... I'll see what I can do. Okay.

Okay, ladies and gentlemen, bringing up the, uh, next comic for you guys,

a very funny lady. I hope you guys enjoy her.

Guys, put your hands together for Ali Reissen, yeah!

Thank you so much.

Um, I have some really exciting news.

My boyfriend and I, we just took our relationship to the next level.

We broke up. Yep.

Hey, what are you doing?

She's makin' a tape...

for TV, I think.

Man, we barked for five hours and you just throw her onstage?

She's not even passed here.

This guy, he worked out so much and he bulked up so much

to the point where he just, like, lost his neck,

and he, like, grunted to communicate with me?

Just be like, "Uhhh!" I had to deal with him like I was dealing with Lassie,

I'd be like, "What is it, boy?" You know, he'd be like, "Uhhhh!

Uhhhh!" I'm like, "Oh, no, it was a hard leg day at the gym?"

I was actually writing a very similar joke to that.

"Uhhh!" "Oh, no, your trainer fell in a well."

Hey.

Hey!

That was great. Did you get your tape?

Uh, no. No, no, no. I hate this place.

Sorry. I just... ugh... it's like a haunted ski lodge.

Yeah, there's a vibe.

I feel like, in that room, it's like you're doing comedy

for the people you're making fun of.

Yes.

Yeah. You're up there, I'm like,

"I'm talking about you!"

Yeah! Exactly!

"My examples are you!"

"Are you!"

Yeah. Yes.

"You don't see the irony..." Yeah.

"Of me performing for you?"

That makes me feel a lot less alone.

Yes. Oh, I'm glad. You should come back.

Uhhh... Any time you like.

I'm here every night of the week.

You ever see me out front, we can throw you up.

I think they'd be lucky to have you.

Thanks. Yeah.

Petey. How do we look, Pete?

Oh, what's up, man? Uh, this... this is, uh, Ali.

Ali just went up, she's... Hi, Ali, Pete. How do we look?

Uh, you know, it's like about half, maybe?

What did we talk about earlier?

Well, you said I could work the door until you got here, so...

Till I got here!

Yeah. Till you... so...

What am I, a fuckin' apparition?

Fliers, hand, corner.

MacDougal Street, West Third.

It was nice... Come on! Sweet cheeks!

Pete: Okay. All right. Nice meeting you!

Hey. Uh, so nice to meet you.

Hey, wait a second. Hey, hey.

Yeah?

Where... You know... I mean...

I think women are... funny.

Okay. Uh... cool.

Just make sure to tell your friends. Spread the word.

Fuckin'... I... I... I...

what am I doin' wrong?

People make fun of me 'cause I'm gullible. Anybody here gullible?

Not a trap. Not a trap.

Yeah. Yeah. Good people.

Honest people. I don't understand why we're the butt of the joke,

gullible people. People tease me, "Oh, you're so gullible.

Pete's gullible."

Doesn't that just mean I'm an open-hearted, kind person?

You lie to me, I believe you,

I'm the asshole?

Thanks, guys, thanks very much. Have a good night.

I'm Pete Holmes.

Saw a group of cops on horses. How fuckin' ridiculous. Why do they have jobs?

Can they do real cop stuff?

'Cause every time I see 'em, they're like.

Sure, I'll take a picture.

Can they foil crimes?

Like, if I stole your wallet and ran, would they be like,

"Yah!"

Jumpin' over stuff.

And they can't arrest you because there's no room.

Yeah, they're not gonna be like, "You're under arrest. Uh, get on."

Hey, man.

You can't stand here.

Uh... Ahh... I'm... I'm Pete. I'm a comedian.

Wait. You're Pete Holmes?

Yeah. I've seen you before, man.

Really?

You did that set about your wife fuckin' another guy, right?