Ugly Americans

You know what's a huge decision?

Having a baby.

Give me your soul.

Let's just do this before we change our minds.

It's the one I call the game c changer,

when two people who used to have fun together

start ripping each other's throats out.

Drop that baby!

You're under arrest.

You think you can waltz out of hell into my city

and sell some stolen baby?

No, officer.

You got it all wrong.

I'm no thief. I'm the daddy over here.

One of the major arguments for dating a girl

who is dead wrong for you:

Virtually no temptation to ever make that fatal decision.

Mark, it's time to take our relationship to a new level.

Oh, dear God!

There's something I want to show you.

What is that?

It's my three hole.

How did I not notice that before?

It just opened up.

Opened up?

It changes color?

I can make it blink too.

It also does this.

You think it's ugly.

No. No, no, no, no.

It's just a lot of new information here.

Dude, pound that.

Randall?

It's not what you think.

I was just watching you guys have sex.

Randall!

You can kiss this three hole good-bye, Mark Lilly.

Don't make it weird.

Hello. Dude, you got a sweet piece.

Is that... that's a boom mic.

Yeah, so if you could try to project a little more,

That would be great.

Okay, let's start again from the top.

Callie, could you come in here, please?

Oh, sure. Fill my hole no problem.

Clearly, your honor, this lowlife

Stole someone else's child to sell on the black market.

Wait. Aren't you the defense lawyer?

Oh, right. Uh, sorry.

Totally hopped up on sudafed p.M. Right now.

Let's start again.

Clearly this lowlife is the real father.

Uh, paperwork checks out.

Bing.

Seems dirty to me.

You want dirty?

Callie asked me to put it in her three hole this morning.

Oh, she must trust you.

That's what they call a "Dirty Houdini."

Let's be careful down there.

Ratso demon, please rise.

It's pronounced "enrico," ma'am.

You are hereby ordered to return

Bob and Maxine Lane their souls.

Why's that?

30-day grace period upon making any deals

with said devil or any devil-like entities.

Furthermore, you are to attend D.O.I. proper parenting classes

until such time as our esteemed instructors

Deem you a fit parent.

- She's looking at us. - That's hilarious.

Bailiff, return his baby, please.

Yay, me.

Gootchie, gootchie, goo.

Sir, I'm pretty sure those are the feet.

I know that.

Okay, today we need to talk about parenting in the u.S.A.

What the hell do you know about parenting?

What are you, like, ten?

Fair question.

I know that parents should...

Never shake a baby.

So there's that.

It also says you never steal demon babies

And sell them on the black market.

Why you got to look at me when you say that?

I just happened to notice

The price scanner you're holding.

Don't be a pussy, Mark. He is a lying ass.

Look at the tell.

Jiggly knee. That's the one!

Okay, confession time.

I don't think this is your baby, sir.

Yeah? How's come?

You just...you really don't strike me as a father.

What does it eat?

Baby things.

Poker chips, grass,

Energy drinks.

What's its name?

Choking victim.

Where's the baby?

Let me ask the questions here.

No, stupid. The baby is missing.

Hey, what do you know about that?

Oh, my God!

No!

Somebody get this baby off my face.

Sir, you're gonna need to try to relax your face muscles.

I know it's counterintuitive.

What's up?

Sir, I'm afraid you've left me no option.

I assume control over this baby until said time

that he can be placed in a proper home.

Yo, I'm heartbroken over here.

Hey, look, they got an o.T.B. Over there over here.

Must he end every sentence that way?

So what's the process for the demon baby?

Same as hazardous waste.

Contain him overnight in a steel cage unit

Until U.P.S. arrives in the morning.

But there's an orphanage right across the street.

I could just walk him over there myself.

Ah, six of one...

Hey, little fella.

How'd you like to get a little fresh air?

How could I resist that?

No legs is not my problem.

You stand up for the pledge of allegiance, marshall.

Oh, my God!

Is that a demon baby?

Yeah, just thought I'd show him a good time

Before I took him to child services.

The orphanage?

That...

Whew...really burns quite a bit.

Oh, my dark lord.

Um, did your boobs just grow when you touched the baby?

No. Are you sure?

'cause I could have sworn... there, it happened again.

Stop staring at my boobs.

I can't, so I'll go.

Uh, ma'am, you appear to be lactating fire.

Now, we can't cancel health benefits

For employee spouses, but we can encourage divorce.

That is gonna be an issue.

You're doing so great, honey.

Just a little more.

Oh, my God! This is really happening.

In the day, she wear dress.

Now she naked.

Somebody shut that guy up.

Okay.

Almost.

Just push. Push.

Splat!

Oh, for God's sake!

I'm in heat.

Hmm, Monday, Monday.

Oh, that's four shirts today.

Get that baby out of your mouth.

We're gonna leave that for now.

Oh, you!

The bane of my existence.

Ah, a baby. Hell, yes!

I love these things.

I must say, not the reaction I was expecting.

What, are you kidding me?

These things are total scush bait.

For some reason, women can't resist these little shriek bags.

Do I still have time for happy hour?

Nah, I should really be getting him

Over to the orphanage.

Come on. One drink won't kill him.

You'd like that, wouldn't you?

He got your nose.

It was coming off anyway.

You see, Mr. Bone raper,

When a demon woman goes into heat,

The demon man, that being you, smells her pheromones,

And...

Go on.

And he grows a massive mating bone.

You know, I don't really feel comfortable having "the chat"

With my boss.

Please help me understand.

So many icky, confusing feelings I have inside.

Am I normal?

Oh, of course you're normal.

It's just that if you were in hell right now,

You'd be looking to disembowel your chief rival.

Then would come a battle to the death

With your mating partner.

And finally, assuming you were victorious,

You would then get to eat the baby.

Bonus.

Don't pick at it.

He looks like he may be wearing down.

I should probably get him over to the orphanage.

Hey, is this the baby buying rounds on my tab again?