Down and Out in Beverly Hills

Oh, shut up, you putz.

Hi, dad. I just want you to know why I'm being so silent lately.

It's nothing personal, but I feel it's very hard to express myself in words.

Here's a tape which expresses my state of mind right now.

My son, the filmmaker.

I gotta call the sprinkler man now. Jeez.

Ah, there we are.

Mr. Whiteman, what a nice new home suit.

Carmen, limpie las --

How do you say "candelabras"? Candelabras.

Barbara, she speaks English. I know that but, the next time we go to Mexico,

I intend to be prepared for any emergencia. Emergencia.

Where's Jenny? Emergencia. She's asleep.

Vaya al marcardo-- mercado.

Family, scene one, take one. Preparing the feast, my father, Dave Whiteman.

- Get out, Max. - How do you think Steven Spielberg got started?

- How do you feel this Thanksgiving? - I'll tell you how I feel.

I feel like my son should stop acting ridiculous...

On this day when we should all be giving thanks.

- And guilty. - Yeah, we should all be feeling a little guilty.

- People are starving in the world. - Guilt is useless.

Your swami tell you that? My yogi, Ranbir.

Isn't this a holiday? It's the caterer with the turkey.

Arrival of the bird. Carmen, la port a, por favor.

Why doesn't he use the servants' entrance?

¿Por que no usa la puerta de atrã¡s? Let's go.

Ah, the sister, the Princess, back home from Sarah Lawrence.

Morning. I'm going to the beach. If Stacey calls,

tell her that I left already.

- No breakfast? - I'll get something down there. Bye, dad.

Bye, Max.

All I do is wave to her. She's nothing but a blur with a nice smell.

Al, Al, is the bird big enough? My father loves white meat.

Your bird's bigger than Mel Brooks' bird, and he's got 15 people coming, Mr. W.

- Is he nice, Mel Brooks? - Very sweet man.

Get the door. Come on, get the door. Let's go.

Come on, Kerouac, let Jerry sleep.

Hello. You look hungry, huh?

Yeah, you want what I've got here? Yeah, isn't that good?

Hey. Hey, are you lost?

You don't have a collar on, huh?

Yeah, you wanna come home with me?

My husband's gonna kill me. Come on. Come on.

Yeah, come on. That's right.

Let me show you something. This is our mobile home park.

We're talking about 500 units. Jenny, you want some more meat?

I ate at the beach, daddy.

What kind of people live in those trailer parks?

We got nice retired people like Mel and Sadie...

And people who are sick and tired of the rat race.

Maybe I should move into one of my parks. Could you hold the photo up?

Stop it, Max. You can walk on the fire, on the coals, no question.

Yogi, can you teach my daughter to eat?

That's a deeply neurotic statement, dad, really.

Carmen, las Cranberries, por favor.

There's no more white meat. I told you I love white meat.

The pooch ate the white meat.

Barbara, next year I'm using another caterer.

Make sure you give me the receipts.

Sidney, I would like to try and walk on hot coals. Is that a tax deduction, yogi?

Yes. It is? Then walk on hot coals; I don't care.

How's your family, Carmen? Not so very good, Señora Waltzburg.

My brother, he's trying to come up here to find a job.

- What does he do? - He cuts sugar cane in the fields.

Not much call for that in Los Angeles.

Who asked you?

- Matisse, stop that. - Neurotic dog scene, take one.

- You're the one that's neurotic. - We're taking him to a dog psychiatrist.

Father and son scene, take one. Max, I think it's about time...

That you started learning the hanger business, stop wasting time with the camera.

- I don't like hangers. - You don't like hangers?

It's hangers that clothe and feed you!

It's hangers that pay for the fakakta camera, for cryin' out loud.

Max, talk to me man to man.

What's troubling you? What is it?

Perhaps we should all meditate for a moment.

Kerouac?

Kerouac?

Kerouac!

Did you see a little tan dog?

Kerouac.

Kerouac!

Anybody seen my dog? It's a little tan dog. I lost my little dog.

No! No. No!

I lost my little tan dog.

Kerouac! Has somebody got him?

Excuse me. Who's got my dog?

Excuse me, you're gonna have to leave. No! I lost my goddamn dog.

You're gonna have to leave the restaurant.

Security is -- Kerouac!

Well, well, well.

What's the problem, Jerry? I lost my dog. I'm lookin' for my dog.

He lost his dog. Yeah, that's right.

I think you ought to stop runnin' around here harassing people.

My dog was stolen. I think it was dog napping. I understand.

Why don't you go downtown and take a bath? Screw you. I'm a citizen.

Just relax now. I understand. Come on.

I'm a citizen. Okay. Okay.

- I wish you could stay a little longer. - I'll be back at Christmas.

Maybe Jim will come home with me.

Yeah, I'd like to meet him. It seems real serious.

It's hard to find someone as nice as you, dad.

What does he do, this Jim guy?

He's road manager for a rock group. Hope he's not a drug addict.

He smokes some grass and does a little cocaine,

but I assure you he's perfectly normal.

I want you to tell me that you don't do drugs. Dad, stop this inquisition.

I'm 19 years old. Okay, okay. I'm your father.

Why does mother keep falling for all these gurus and charlatans?

It's so '60s.

Hey, hey, hey. What?

You haven't said anything about the car. It's nice.

Nice.

It's not too, uh, too Beverly Hills?

Dad, you do not have to justify anything. You work very, very hard for your money.

Well, I guess I feel, you know, a little guilty. Guilt sucks.

Yeah. Kiss. Bye.

Maybe they'll give her a good meal on the plane.

I'm very worried about Jenny. Why?

I think she's an anorexic. Anybody who doesn't snack all day is anorexic to you.

Couldn't she go to school in California?

There are very good schools in California. She just wanted a change.

Who's this Jim guy? I'm sure he's very nice.

Think they're having sex already? Dave, don't get yourself upset.

What does that mean? What does that mean?

It's a new age for women, honey. Barbara... Barbara.

Do you know more than you're saying? I hope she is having sex.

It's time.

You've got great shoulders, Barb. Must be the moon.

Come on, I'm feeling very sexy. Who cares what the reason is.

I'm very depressed. Come on.

Come on, my little baby. It's too much meditating. Oh, no. Honey --

I think it's an allergy. In fact, I'm convinced of it. So is Ranbir.

Honey, please. Maybe you're allergic to me.

Dave, you're such a nudge.

Barbara.

You happy?

I'm content. Sometimes I wonder.

Dave, I'm changing.

That causes stress. You should take a couple of Tylenol.

I'm not even going to dignify that with a response.

I'm very worried about Max. He seems very confused.

I saw him in a tutu tonight.

Dave?

Dave, that was the cherry on the cake of my day.

Thank you.

Good night, honey. Good night, Barb.

Dog's supposed to be loyal, goddamn it. Where the hell's your loyalty?

You're a mutt. You're an ungrateful mutt of a mongrel, that's what you are.

You son-of-a-bitch. You wait 'til I get my hands on ya.

Son-of-a --

Kerouac?

Go for it, putz.

Oh, Mr. Whiteman. Oh.

You have to call me Dave. Oh, Dave.

Oh, I knew you would come tonight.

Oh, Mr. Whiteman.

Shut up, you putz you.

I hate that dog so much.

Oh, trouble at the Whiteman house.

Goddamn alarm. Cops are gonna come. Oh, I have no green card.

I'll take care of this pronto.

Close encounters of the fourth kind, take one.

My house! My house! My house! No problem.

It's okay. No robbery. Don't worry. It's okay. There's no robbery.

We'll take a look around anyway. You never know. Fine. No problem.

Sorry, Mr. Whiteman. Lance, why do these things keep happening?

Could be a change in humidity, or some animal.

I'm going to need an alarm for the alarm. Get your hands off them guns!

I'm Orvis Goodnight!

A record producer, you understand?

I live right across the street from this place, but I don't get...

This kind of service, no, sir.

Two weeks ago, a thief tried to break in my house.

Called the police. Good God Almighty.

It took 20 minutes for the policemen to arrive.

One little car. No dog. No chopper.

I know why I don't get the protection I'm supposed to get.

Because I'm black. Black! I'm a black man!

Ain't no black man supposed to live in Beverly Hills.

Let one black man stop to tie his shoes...

Or scratch his behind on rodeo drive;

the SWAT team would parachute down over my brothers.

I spent $3.6 million...

For that pile of stucco you see over there.

I want the same protection, the same protection,

that you give old David Whiteman over there.

And I'm bringin' in mo' brothers.

Mo' brothers! Whoo-woo!

I'm gonna sue you, Whiteman. Matisse!

Matisse! This dog is a killer dog. He's gonna kill somebody.

Max, stop it. Come in, please. All right, thank you very much.

Sorry, Mr. Whiteman. Take care of it as soon as you can. All right, all right.

Get that helicopter out of here, please!

Kerouac?

Kerouac?

Bueno.

Bueno, Jesus.

No. No, no. Muy bueno, Jesus.

I'll come down in a couple of days so that I can wish all the hombres --