That '70s Show

Yeah, nice.

So yesterday I'm at this garage sale, I look down, and there it was.

The Darth Vader action figure with the incredibly rare green light saber.

How have I not kicked your ass yet?

- Fore! - Whoa!

- Watch out! - Parking lot!

It was just a Pinto.

Fez, this is Putt-Putt.

Your choices are putt or putt.

Hey, what the hell?

Oh, Forman. Yeah, I should've known it was you guys.

Most people that come here can't hit the ball that hard

on account of they're in kindergarten.

Mitch, congratulations.

This seems like the perfect job for someone your size,

what with the free lodging and the little castle on hole six.

Yeah, there's just enough room in there for me and your mom.

Yeah, the sweetest burns involve doing it with your mom.

Look, just quit hitting the ball that hard or you guys are out of here.

What are you... No.

God, I hate that guy.

Tear him a new hole-in-one.

Wow, Forman, I haven't seen you this pissed

since I chased you around your house with that spider in a jar.

You were like, "Hyde, I swear to God!"

Then you never did anything.

Yeah? I'm about to do something.

Hello, Wisconsin!

No, I don't know how to do that.

Mitch, I'm so sorry.

What?

I've lost the ability to process language on account of I have a concussion.

There's more bad news.

When you return to the course, you're gonna find that some punk

drew boobs and a butt crack on the clown statue.

And don't try to wash it off 'cause I used permanent marker.

Forman, why are we always fighting?

I can't even remember how we got this way.

I think a chick said that to me once.

No, that was me.

Don't you think that we should be friends?

Okay, well, you...

You're obviously having some kind of reaction to your medications.

We're just gonna go.

You know, Mitch, if you ever want to come hang out in the basement, you know...

Really? Thanks.

I'd smile, but the left side of my face is kind of paralyzed.

Forman, why'd you invite him over?

You were almost out of there and you turned back around.

Look, yeah, Forman,

there's only two times in life that you turn back around,

basketball and runway modeling.

No, and square dancing.

It's called a do-si-do.

Look, Mitch knows I didn't mean it.

Hey, Eric.

Mitch.

I can't believe you got a hold of the Darth Vader with the green light saber.

What? No, no, it's...

What a geek.

Wow, I love this place.

It's not just dinner. It's a thrill ride,

'cause there's a small chance you're getting knifed.

I don't know, Bob.

I've tried to avoid Asians with weapons ever since 7,000 of them tried to kill me.

Well...

It's thanks to the work of brave men like you

that America's enemies are working here for a minimum wage.

Oh!

Mom, would you please stop playing with his hair?

You don't know where it's been.

I think a good dinnertime policy might be everybody feeds and grooms themselves.

Oh, oh! And speaking of grooming, Pamela,

I noticed that your skirt was torn all the way up to your thigh.

No, I actually bought it this way.

See, most skirts are only slit up to the knee,

but I think people want to see more than that.

Hear, hear!

Here comes the waiter.

I'm glad you're all here to help me celebrate this very special time

with this very special lady.

Oh, Bob, it means a lot to me that you realize how special I am.

I do. That's why I want to ask you to move in with me.

- Oh, my God. - What?

Gosh, Bob, that's really sweet and I'd really love to,

but I'm seeing someone else.

Sorry.

But you'll still come visit, right?

What are you doing?

I'm not touching you.

Well, stop it.

But I'm not touching you.

Well, stop not touching me.

Okay.

Wasn't it better when I wasn't touching you?

Yeah.

They look happy. Why don't we have a game?

Would you stop asking me why don't we have stuff?

"Why don't we have a song?" "Why don't we have a movie?"

We're men.

I thought we were sensitive men.

We're not.

One of us is.

Shut up!

And it's not you.

Well, Mitch, I'll tell you what.

It's been really fun having you over, but it's almost sundown,

and we celebrate the Sabbath, so unless you have your...

Your... Your little beanie,

then I guess we're gonna have to say adios or shalom, as we say.

You guys are Jewish?

I'm Jewish!

Wow, you are gorgeous.

Are you kidding me? No, no, no, no, I'm the pretty one. Me.

You're the hottest redhead since Batgirl.

And you're not just gorgeous.

I mean, you radiate intelligence and deep thought, a real sense of self.

Eric, I like your new friend.

She's gotta be with you, huh?

I can't say I haven't tried, my little friend,

but she's with Eric for now.

Really?

Well, what's wrong with her? Is she, like, an alcoholic or a drug addict?

Yeah. Yeah, she's addicted.

She needs a daily dose of this guy.

I just think it's pretty suspicious that after we left the Japanese restaurant

our Japanese car broke down.

Hey, buddy.

Whoa, Eric, you didn't tell me you had an older sister.

Please, if you're gonna go with fake charm, let's keep it in the realm of reality, okay?

You shut your porky mouth.

I have the skin of a 25-year-old

who smokes.

You know, Mr. Forman, I learned a little about cars from my uncle

who used to fix tanks in Vietnam.

Now that's hero's work,

fixing machines that kill people you don't agree with.

My only regret is that I haven't had a chance to fight for my country.

Really?

Eric's only regret is that he doesn't live in space.

That's not my only regret.

It's just one of them.

Excellent Fruity Pebbles.

You know, at the police academy they'll only give me corn flakes,

'cause they say the sugar gets me too hopped up to carry a weapon.

I guess what they weren't counting on

was me taking my weapon home for the weekend.

My poor dad. You know, he's so upset.

This morning during The Price is Right

he didn't even yodel along during "Cliffhanger."

Donna, we wanted them apart, and now they are.

Look, some things just don't belong together,

like my mom and your dad, or Michael and a gun.

No, seriously, how could they give me a gun?

You don't even sound like you feel bad.

Donna, this whole thing is your dad's fault.

Come on, Donna.

Who asked the woman to move in with him

after knowing her for such a short time?

I'll tell you who.

The same guy who let you move in here after your parents took off

and you had no place else to go. My dad.

I mean, you know your mom is wrong and that she hurt my dad,

who's never been anything but nice to you.

How can you defend her?

I pick the pretty one.

Hey, Dad. How you doing?

How do you think I'm doing?

Pam ripped out my heart and stomped on it in shoes I paid for.

Well, do you want to go down to the pet store and look at puppies?

You could sing How Much Is that Doggie in the Window?