Eastbound & Down

Not an ass man. I'm a tit man.

I like big-ass boobs.

Guess who's sober.

Pat Anderson. What in the fuck are you doing here?

I heard about you playing down here.

There's a scout in Texas who owes me a favor.

Roy McDaniel. You wanna get back on the mound?

Fucking lick it.

It is time to start sucking your dream's dick.

Let's suck my dream's dick.

I would like you to ask you, Kenny Powers,

permission to marry Maria and bring her back to America.

You have my permission.

This is your last chance to see Kenny Powers.

Finally, motherfuckers.

He went to Mexico for a change.

He met his father.

I drove a whole entire world away from you.

Ended up exactly like you. Backstabbing gigolo.

He got screwed over in love.

What the fuck, Vida! Close the door!

Why? So you can finish eating her pussy?

But the thing about Kenny Powers,

once Jesus leaves the building,

he is out of Mexico for good.

This tale end the way I thought it would? Perhaps not.

As long as I win, who gives a shit.

Don't freak out, dude. Just relax, all right?

I'm freaking out.

You're looking a little suspicious. Just calm down.

If one of these pigs takes my fucking wife,

I will fucking kill them.

Maria, down. I said, uh, down-ay.

Fucking under the blankets. Put that Tecate box on her head.

All right, he's calling us. He's calling us. Fuck.

Why are there so many dogs here?

They're looking for Al Qaedas. I don't know.

Stop it. I'm going to.

Let me pull the fuck up first. Stop.

Jesus Christ.

Hello. How are you, officer?

Probably want the passports. Okay.

Here you go.

Just two passports from two Americans.

Destination?

Uh, Shelby, North Carolina. We're heading home.

Heading to the hometown.

You bust any Soviets out here today?

You busting... Busting the commies?

No.

Nature of your visit?

The, uh... The visit in Mexico?

Yeah.

Uh, mainly soul-searching.

Soul-searching? What is that, drug talk?

No, no, no, no. We... No, we...

Vacation. It was a vacation trip.

Oh, okay. Yeah.

Went to Cabo Wabo, to, uh, "Macha Piccos,"

where all the pyramids are.

Just all the vacation destinations in Mexico.

Gonna need you to pull the car over, sir.

Why do you need me to do that?

Because I'm gonna search it.

Okay.

You know what?

I got a confession to make, okay?

But, Kenny...

I just wanna come clean with this

so we can save everybody some time.

I don't think you need... Shh, shh.

I got this, Stevie.

I've been hiding something, okay?

What are you hiding?

This.

Check it.

You recognize who I am?

Nope.

What does that mean?

Lock into the eyes.

Take in the hair,

facial structural, uh, features.

Kenny Powers.

Excuse me?

Kenny Powers, Kenny Powers.

The... The baseball player?

Kenny Powers, the baseball player?

The fucking baseball player.

Holy shit, Kenny P. in the house.

How's it going? The fuck out of here.

I'd love to get out of here. That's what we're trying to do.

No, no, no. Can I get a picture?

Give me a picture. I gotta get a pic right now.

Can you say that catchphrase that you always say?

That, uh, you're...

You're fucking out. You're fucking out.

It's "you're fucking out."

Ready? Yeah.

You're fucking out.

Yeah, okay. Whoo! All right!

There we are. All right, so we're good.

Here you go, guys. Thank you very much.

It's nice to meet you. Do you have any contact info?

I do not. Thank you for keeping the American border safe.

Hey, before you go. You're fucking out of Mexico.

I'm good, huh?

Let me know when you catch Bin Laden.

I got some champagne on ice. Will do, motherfucker.

You bet.

Whoo!

We're safe now, Maria.

Kenny's celebrity saved us.

Feels good to be breaking the laws in America again.

[FREDDIE KING'S "GOING DOWN" PLAYING]

Looks like that's the last of your shit.

Here you go. Can you just take that?

So it'll balance you out.

Hey, Boo, could you give us a second?

Wait inside, please.

That's yours too. Don't forget that.

There you go.

Very strong legs. Very sure-footed.

My little mule.

Fucking Shelby.

Heh. Fucking Shelby. We made it.

Guess you're gonna go fuck April now, huh? Probably?

Probably? Definitely.

Definitely?

I mean, maybe we'll start off slow

with a welcome-home blowjob or something.

Yeah, we'll see how it goes.

Light some candles, heat up a fucking Lean Cuisine.

Ooh. And go to town.

Get sexy, huh?

Well, man, it was amazing and I thank you.

Thank you. I don't think I could've done

what I did in Mexico without somebody there

to do all the rest of the shit

that needed to be done down in Mexico.

It's my job, man. That's my job.

Give me some skin.

I'll see you around.

Not if I see you first.

Oh, look! A penny!

Adios, Stevie.

Mi familia.

I've returned to you.

Uncle Kenny.

Well, if it isn't my favorite nephew, huh?

How you doing, buddy?

And the other nephew.

Look at you, Biggie Smalls. Goddamn.

Look like you've aged three years since last I saw you.

You got, some sort of reverse Benjamin Button thing going on?

Oh, he's fine, Kenny. Wayne's normal.

Yeah, of course he is.

Get in here, motherfucker.

Bastard.

Look at this one, huh?

Old sweet tits. Oh.

Wow, you've really trimmed up. Oh, thank you.

Not nearly as heavy as you were last time I saw you.

You look great. Yeah.

That kissing on the cheek thing is just a little custom

I picked up abroad. Not trying to flirt.

Now when you say that you were abroad,

does that mean Tampa or...?

Well, Tampa didn't really pan out the way I hoped it would.

So I decided just to split and head down to Mexico.

Down there I fought and fucked my way

to being the greatest gringo that country's ever seen.

I also found our father and earned myself a place

on a baseball team in Myrtle Beach.

True story. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Wait a second. You found Pop?

Mm-hm. Did he ask about me or...?

No, Dustin, he didn't really ask about you at all.

I mean, it was me who went down there and searched for him.

We're not gonna just sit in goddamn Mexico in an adobe

talking about somebody who's not even there.

That'd be stupid. Oh.

Whose birthday is it? It's Rose.

Rose. Who?

Your niece, Rose. Oh, Rose. Okay.

Yeah, whatever. Anyway, I gotta get a move on.

Okay.

I got a big old pot of titties waiting for me

at the end of the rainbow. Before I can sip upon them,

I need to go ahead and take a big old shit

in a fucking American toilet.

Cool? Yeah.

Give me some high fives. Some American high fives, huh?

Good to see your goddamn white faces. Give it up.

Yeah. Whoo!

[THE DEAD WEATHER'S "BLUE BLOOD BLUES" PLAYING]

La escuela.

I mean school.