Pickle

Welcome back to Northern California

and the scenic coastline of the Monterey Peninsula

for the final day of the 126th US Open.

And if you're joining us just now,

you have missed four of the most dramatic days in golf history,

and it begins with Lonnie Hawkins.

Kevin, what can you possibly say about this guy?

I mean, the man is playing with a broken hand.

Golden Fisk started the day three back

and now sits in the clubhouse with a one-shot lead over Lance Hawkins

and two strokes over the elder Hawkins.

He'll just have to wait and see if he's going to be a two-time champion

or enter a playoff with either one of these men.

-Roger Maltbie is standing by… -Yeah! Whoo-hoo-hoo! Let's go, Lancey!

Let's go!

-Sorry, that's my boy right there, so… -Oh.

You, uh… you know one of the golfers?

I train Lance Hawkins, and he is my best friend.

-She knows nothing about golf. -Seriously?

I'm in pharmaceutical sales, and we're one of the sponsors, so…

Okurrr!

If my boy birdies this hole, straight to the playoff.

-Mmm… -You know what that means?

Ching! Cha-ching!

Money time!

I'm rooting for Lonnie Hawkins.

No.

He's in the middle of an epic father-son battle. It's Shakespearean.

Let's not do that.

Maybe let's just keep it down at this table. I'm sorry. Just forget it.

You should close out your tab, okay?

Let's watch some fucking golf! Let's go!

This is such a tough tee shot here at 18 at Pebble.

Water all down the left. Got to get the ball in the fairway.

Oh, smashed right in the middle. He'll be able to get to the green in two.

This is gonna put a lot of pressure on his dad, Lonnie.

I might have to just eagle this hole and win this thing right now.

Cocky little shit, isn't he?

Ah, Sam, my hand's bleeding again.

Wrap me.

Let's get it on.

That's how it's done!

-They call him the Hawk -Hawk!

He's a golfer

The greatest golfer in the world!

Well, look at you, basking in the sun, huh?

Ah, I feel like I deserve it.

And, you know, as soon as I sign those Mike's Hard Lemonade papers tomorrow,

off we go! Rio de Janeiro! Paris!

Wherever there's no golf, please.

Please, God.

Well, you have worked your tail off,

and I am very proud of you and all your industrious endeavors.

Mmm. Thank you.

Feels so good. You know what else feels really good?

Seeing me get better?

I haven't watched one second of golf this entire week. Not Lance. Not Lonnie.

Not my new business partner, Golden. And it feels like heaven.

Stacy, I want all that heaven allows for you.

Aww…

Your happiness is the balm that soothes my soul.

-Mm. -Facing death has, uh…

put me in a meditative mood.

Mm-hm.

And I can no longer hold back my feelings.

Stacen Grumwell Hawkins,

will you take my hand in marriage?

Radford!

Oh my God, that's so silly, Radford.

Really?

I want you to consider it.

That's all I ask.

-Oh, you're so sweet! -Well…

Feel that, Dad? It's a little breezy.

Might want to club up.

-Go easy on it. Stay out of the wind. -Your tricks aren't working, son.

Can't win the mental game against a man whose mentality's been forged in battle.

-There we go. -Sit, sit, sit, sit…

Lonnie Hawkins with a nearly impossible putt for eagle.

He's gonna make the playoff.

And then he'll win.

He could be four back and need a hole-in-one, and he'll do it.

-Talking about the Hawk? -Yes, I am talking about the Hawk.

What a story, huh?

I got a story. It's a story about a little boy from Yuba City, California.

Lonnie Hawkins.

-Oh yeah. -No, not him.

This is another boy. A boy whose mother abandoned him.

Moved across town and started a whole new family with a different dad.

Now, this motherless boy worked hard. He was a javelin thrower.

-Javelin? -Yes.

He became a state champion in the javelin throw.

But Yuba City already had a favorite son.

So this boy left town,

and one day he sees this pretty girl in a string bikini.

Now, this boy, who had never had much luck with women,

walks up to her and says, outright,

"Would you marry me?"

She said yes. And theirs was a life of bliss.

-Alright. -He bought her a beautiful home.

And what did she do?

She left him.

She walked out on that golf course, in the middle of the night,

naked as the day she was born,

and diddled this boy's half-brother until the sun came up.

Hey, Oswald!

Lonnie Hawkins is this guy's half-brother,

and Lonnie fucked his wife!

Fuck yeah!

Hawk, Hawk, Hawk…

As fog rolls in off the Pacific and blankets the Monterey Peninsula,

we return to the green at the par-five 18th,

where Lance and Lonnie Hawkins will decide just how this tournament continues.

Hey, Dad. When you get to the Senior Tour,

say hey to Vijay and John Daly and all the other has-beens for me.

I'll do that, but first I need you to do something for me.

-What's that? -I want you to enjoy this putt.

No-look that shit.

Everybody hands go up

He made it.

And they stay there

And they say, "Yeah"

-And they stay there -Up down, up down, up down

Hwah!

'Cause all I do is win, win, win

And if you goin' in Put your hands in the air…

Unbelievable!

Lonnie Hawkins has potentially forced a playoff

with Golden Fisk.

What have we just witnessed?

Nut tap.

Nut tap!

Lonnie Hawkins!

Lance Hawkins will now have to make this putt

if he wants to win the US Open.

Can you believe this?

Golden Fisk, Lance Hawkins, and Lonnie Hawkins

will play a three-man playoff tomorrow morning at 10:00 a.m.

See you tomorrow, huh?

I have never seen anything close to this.

Stacy, honey, it looks like Lance, Lonnie, and Golden are in a playoff tomorrow.

Well, that might be something exciting to see.

I told you, I'm done with golf.

Okay, dear. I believe you.

You can ring my bell

Ring my bell

Oh God, this is bigger than I thought.

Well, yeah, this is the 18th. Kind of an iconic hole.

No, the…

the moment, not the course.

I think he's gonna like it here.

Oh my God, man, I can't believe we're doing this.

Yeah, I still feel pretty conflicted about it, to be honest.

-Ugh… -Ew! Is that a tooth?

-That's totally a tooth. -There's like bones and stuff.

-Oh my God. -You gotta spread this better.

You think they would've burned him all the way.

I know this is supposed to be like a sweet moment, but this is pretty disgusting.

Okay.

There he is, man.

He's, like, on me.

Oh shit, someone's coming.

Where? Fuck.

Bye, Dad!

Come on!

-This is the spot! -Oh my God! Oh…

This is the scene of the crime right here.

I'm feeling so horny right now.

I'm buzzing like a cicada down there.

-Come on! -Oh my God. Okay.

Oh, I'm having trouble getting my shirt off here.

-Come on, get it off. -Whoo-hoo-hoo!

There we go.

Ow! Ow!

-Ow, what is that? -What? What?

What? What?

-Oh, looks like a tooth. -Let me see it.

Yeah, it does. It looks-- That is a tooth.

Oh God…

Ow! Something's sticking me in the back.

Shut up and whip out that Hawk dick!

Yes, ma'am.

I am definitely gonna show you my reproductive organs.

-Yeah. -Oh God, I'm so drunk.

I'm so drunk!

Just… hold on. Hold on.

-What? -Just one second.

What?

-What? -I can't.

What do you mean?

I love my wife.

God, you can love her later. It's time to fuck.

I know, but I still love Stacy, I do.

Besides…

When you, uh, threw those boots, uh…

…I shot my wad in my pants.

-That sucks. -Okay, here.

-Olivia! -Oh God, that's Anton. Oh shit!

-Get my shoes. Shit! -No, don't worry about shoes.

Geronimo!