31 Candles

Standing in front of you is the Barosaurus,

with its head up in the clouds.

The Barosaurus stands at 50 feet tall,

making it the one world trade of dinosaurs.

I've been thinking about my own extinction recently.

Upon finding one, they would--

And dying alone without ever having been in love.

Maybe it's because we're at a Shiva, Grammy,

but being single and the next thing

doesn't sound so tragic.

I mean,

who's to say that Cleopatra and I wouldn't hit it off?

I heard she liked short guys.

So, anyway.

I'm 30 years old.

I'm single.

I'm so happy. You know?

It's also cuffing season,

so I gotta do a roster reset anyway.

You're 30 and single?

Well, there's my situationship.

We have a mutual muting,

which basically means that we've muted each other

on Instagram so she can't see my stories,

and I can't see her stories, and I can't see her posts,

and she can't see my posts.

But we still follow each other because that would be

too permanent if we unfollowed each other

or blocked each other.

You really love this heartbreak stuff, don't you?

To have a heartbreak, you must have a whole heart.

Oh, you don't like her.

You don't like her.

I've never met her.

'Cause she's not Jewish.

I never said that.

To you.

The good news is I'm incapable of loving anyone.

Except yourself.

What? Why do you keep looking?

What is so important that's on that thing?

I'm back on the apps.

But you said you were off the apps.

I was off the apps, and then I went back on the apps,

and then I went off them again, and I just deleted my account,

and now I deleted the actual app.

But just this morning, I got back on them.

Huh.

Oh, why does that say 6'2"?

Oh, is that what it says?

Yeah. Typo.

It's cuffing season!

(INDISTINCT CHATTER IN BACKGROUND)

Yeah. I'm just trying to grasp the concept of my

30-year-old son making Christmas movies.

I'm lucky enough to be even making a movie.

Maybe it's time for you to get a realer job.

Just 'cause my movies and my art are funded

by some billionaire who likes to sell surveillance products

to people across America, doesn't mean it's not real art.

Do you want me to call them?

Mm.

Don't call them.

You don't need to c-- No.

Please don't call them.

Christmas Kiss has, like, a 3.2 on Letterboxd.

It's awesome.

You're a small baker.

He's a prince. You're a wannabe princess.

You guys meet in New York City.

You're in the Big Apple. It's magical.

It's very surrealist, avant-garde.

Every time you kiss, time freezes.

More snow! Let's get ready to roll!

Thank you very much.

I'm gonna need twice the size.

All right, guys. We're rolling soon.

I'm gonna need way more turtlenecks.

No mock necks.

Only turtlenecks.

Ah, yeah, Leo, it is looking amazing, okay?

But when they kiss I need him to hold this and he must say,

"I hope we can brush up together forever."

This is their first kiss.

Not some time for product placement.

Yeah, but the brand want a first-kiss moment.

Yeah. The brand's not directing the movie.

(CHUCKLES) Yeah. Well, you don't have final cut.

We can always edit this in post.

-Red Bull! -Got it.

Want one? It'll give you wings.

You want wings?

You're gonna CGI in a toothbrush?

Yeah. Two words.

A.I.

Sound, production.

Red Bull? Take two.

You know what they say, "Love, it's a lot like a toothbrush.

You use it every day,

but you don't really appreciate it

until you don't have one to use."

I hope we can brush up together forever.

First kiss!

Are you sure you don't want me to call them?

Your sister's husband, he has a real job.

-Creg? -Greg.

-Creg. -Greg, Creg.

-He-- -Went to Yale, twice.

Greg is a gambling addict from New Jersey.

The best views of New York come from New Jersey.

Maybe you should apply to grad school

or volunteer for the Peace Corps.

Grad school? For what?

Law, art, become a doctor.

Are you sure you don't want me to call them?

Don't call anyone.

Having a normal job's not so bad, you know?

-Or a girlfriend. -(BLOWS A RASPBERRY)

What makes you think I don't have a--

A girlfriend?

Your sister tells us.

She tells us you have that thing.

The friend with benefits.

You're so hot.

You're so beautiful.

I wanna feel you inside me.

You make me feel so good inside.

I love you.

Did you just mutter "I love you" to me?

Whoop, no.

Leo feels weird about Molly not saying "I love you."

Well, we're not in a relationship.

It's still a ship, okay?

It's the same conjugation of the verb.

Situationship, relationship, same thing.

It's the same conjugation.

We are in a situationship.

You all are in a situationship.

When we're in Spain.

And--

We were in a situationship.

Which is us.

We are in something.

Hey, Siri, play thunderstorm sounds.

Jesus!

This is what you wanna sleep to?

Yes. -You wanna fall asleep to this?

Yes. -Hey, Siri.

Let's go ahead and turn off the Cat-5 hurricane,

Molly, sounds and put on 56 gigahertz white noise.

We're in a situationship.

Siri, play thunder sounds.

Hi, reporting live outside

what is a Category-5 hurricane, Molly.

It's coming in, and I'm, like, in a twister.

It's a key to my apartment,

and it's just in case I lock myself out.

And I mean nothing more by that.

No pressure.

I just want you to have it.

Isn't there someone else that you can give this to?

You don't want it?

I'm just worried that I'm starting to get in the way

of you finding real love.

You are not in the way of me finding real love,

because real love is not what I'm looking for.

Okay.

Right.

My mistake.

"Am I in the way of you finding real love?"

he says confidently.

Oh, God!

Real love is, like, the last thing I need right now.

I just got a little defensive.

Well, I do think that one--