The Cabin in the Woods

It's hormonal.

I mean, I don't usually fall back on... You know, it's women's issues.

But child-proofed how? Gates and stuff?

Dude, she did the drawers.

We don't even know if this whole fertility thing's gonna work.

She's screwed in these little jobbies where you can't even open the drawers.

At all?

No. They open, you know, like an inch, then you gotta dig your finger in.

- I mean, it's a nightmare. - I guess sooner or later.

Yeah, well, a lot later. She did the upper cabinets.

Kid will be 30 before he can reach them, assuming, you know, we have a kid.

It is natural for her to feel protective.

Don't even... You have women's issues.

Please. You of all people.

Oh, come on. It's a jinx.

It guarantees that we won't get pregnant.

And it takes me about 20 minutes to get a fucking beer.

Guys. Guys!

Stockholm went south.

Seriously? I thought they were looking good.

What cracked?

I haven't seen the footage. Word's just going around.

Well, that's never been a stable scenario.

Everyone knows you can't trust Swedes.

That means there's just Japan. Japan and us.

It's not the first time it's come down to that.

Japan has a perfect record.

We're number two. We try harder.

But, guys, if we fail, then...

Please. We haven't had a glitch since '98.

We know what we're doing, Lin.

Or we have it written down, somewhere.

You guys better not be messing around in there.

Ooh, does this mean you're not in the betting pool this year? Big money.

I'm just saying, it's a key scenario.

No, I hear what you're saying.

In '98, it was the chem department's fault, right?

Where do you work, again? Wait. It's coming back to me now.

It's gonna be a long weekend if everyone's that puckered up.

So, you wanna come over Monday night?

I'm gonna pick up some power drills. Liberate my cabinets.

Are you even listening to me?

Ugh. Professor Fuckwad.

Why haven't you stuck that asshole's picture on the dartboard yet?

It's not that simple... Oh, my God!

- Your hair. It's blonde. - Very fabulous, no?

I can't believe you did it.

But very fabulous, right?

Hurry up with the "very fabulous." I'm getting insecure about it now.

God, no, no, it looks awesome. Curt's gonna lose it.

Oh, Curt's gonna thank me. And so will you.

- While we're burning this picture. - Not ready.

Seriously, this isn't his fault.

What's not his fault?

Fucking his student or breaking up with her by e-mail?

I knew what I was getting into.

Oh, please.

You know what you're getting into this weekend?

This.

And if Holden's as cute as Curt says he is,

possibly getting out of it.

Okay, that is the last thing that I want.

If you guys treat this like a setup, I'm gonna have no fun at all.

I'm not pushing.

But we're packing this!

Which means we definitely won't have room for...

What if I get bored?

These will help?

”Soviet Economic Structures"? ”Aftermath of the... ” Oh, no!

We have a lake and a keg.

- No more learning! - Think fast.

Ooh, faster than that.

Sorry. Sorry. Move along.

- Nice! - Is that Holden?

We'll be right down. He just transferred from State.

Best hands on the team. He's a sweet guy.

And he's good with his hands.

Hey, uh, I'm kind of seeing this girl,

but you're way blonder than she is.

But I was thinking, you know, maybe... What is this?

What are these? What are you doing with these?

Okay, I get it. I'll leave the books.

No, no, no. Who gave you these? Who taught you about these?

I learned it from you, okay?

I learned it from watching you!

Seriously, Professor Bennett, he covers this whole book in his lectures.

You should read this.

Gurovsky. Now this is way more interesting.

Also, Bennett doesn't know it by heart, so he'll think you're insightful.

And you have no pants.

Oh, shit!

- That pretty much it? - Fucking better be.

You know, Jules, it's a weekend, not an evacuation.

Trust me when I say there is nothing in those cases

you won't be glad I brought.

I'm shutting right up.

Oh, my God.

Marty!

Fuck is wrong with you, bro?

People in this town drive in a very counterintuitive manner.

That's what I have to say.

All right, do you wanna spend the weekend in jail?

'Cause we'd all like to check out my cousin's country home.

Marty, honey, that's not okay.

Statistical fact.

Cops will never pull over a man with a huge bong in his car.

Why?

They fear this man.

They know he sees further than they,

and he will bind them with ancient logics.

Have you gone gray?

You're not bringing that thing in the Rambler.

What? A giant bong in your father's van?

What are you, stoned?

Hey, man.

Dana, you fetching minx!

You have any food?

- Everybody ready? - Yeah!

- Yeah? - Okay, I'm ready!

Let's get this show on the road!

Fuck, yeah!

Nest is empty. We're right on time.

I hope this is the right road.

It doesn't even show up on the GPS.

It is unworthy of global positioning.

That's the whole point. Get off the grid, right?

No cell phone reception,

no traffic cameras.

Go someplace for one goddamn weekend

where they can't globally position my ass, man.

This is the whole issue.

Is society crumbling, Marty?

No. Society is binding. Right?

It's filling in the cracks with concrete.

Everything's filed or recorded or blogged, right?

Chips in our kids' heads so they won't get lost.

Society needs to crumble.

We're all just too chickenshit to let it.

I've missed your rants.

You will come to see things my way.

Identification, please.

Mr. Sitterson.

- Mr. Hadley. - Thank you.

- What's your name? - Daniel Truman, sir.

This isn't the military, Truman. You can drop the "sir."

But Sitterson does like to be called "ma'am."

- Or "honey toes." - He will also answer to "honey toes."

You clear on what's gonna be happening here?

I've been prepped. Extensively.

And did they tell you that being prepped is not the same thing as being prepared?

They told me. I'll hold my post, Mr. Hadley.

Good man.

Okay. System's online.

Acquiring target. Let's see what we got.

All right.

I'm thinking this thing doesn't take credit cards.

I don't think it knows about money.

I think it's barter gas.

Hello?

Hey, Holden.

- Holden! - I don't think there's gonna be any...

You come here uninvited?

Fuck! Dude.

Sign says "closed."

Yeah, we were looking to buy some gas.

Does this pump work?

If you know how to work it.

We also wanted to get directions.

Yeah, we're looking for... What's it called?

Tillerman Road. Do you know if it's this way?

Tillerman Road takes you up the hill, there.

Dead-ends at the old Buckner place.

My cousin bought a house up there.

You go through, like, a mountain tunnel, there's a lake.

- Would that be the... - Buckner place.

Always someone looking to sell that plot.

You knew the original owners?

Yeah, not the first.

I seen plenty come and go. Hell, I been here since the war.

- Which war? - You know damn well which war!

Would that have been with the blue and some in gray?

Brother, perhaps, fighting against brother in that war?

You sassing me, boy?

You were rude to my friend.

That whore?

- What'd you say? - I think we got enough gas.

You got enough to get you there.

Getting back, that's your concern.

Well, good luck with your business, sir.

I know the railroad's coming through here any day now.

That's gonna be big.

Streets paved with actual street.

Fucker.

Guys, take a look.

This must be it.

Oh, my God. It's, uh, beautiful.

One spider, and I'm sleeping in the Rambler.

I mean it.

Come on. Give me a hand.

This is awesome.