Mandy

-You wanted to see me? -Take a seat, Mandy.

Mandy, how long have you been working at the call centre now?

Oh, quite a while now.

About three hours?

Three-and-a half maybe, if you don't count lunch?

Look, is this about me getting into a fight with my supervisor?

Because he started it.

Said I wasn't allowed to smoke if I'm on the phone.

But I can't think of anything to say if I'm not smoking.

It's nothing to do with that.

Mandy, do you know what message always plays

just before a call is answered?

Er, "Your call is important to us",

"but we're experiencing unexpectedly high call volumes,

"so please visit the website instead,

"because we don't want to hire any more staff"?

No, after that.

"Calls may be recorded for training purposes."

Oh, yeah, but, I mean, you don't actually do that.

I mean, who'd want to listen back to all those calls?

I do.

You record it on cassettes still?

It's much better audio quality than digital.

And once I've listened, I can use it to make

a mix tape for a friend.

This is you at 10.15am today.

- But it's been six weeks now, can't I just get a refund?

You can take your fucking refund,

shove it up your shit pipe, mate.

He was chancing his arm! Scammer.

I was saving the company money.

This is you at 10.55am.

No. No, you can't talk to my manager, you fucking bell end.

11.10am.

You shit-for-brains wanker.

Knob off, you dick.

Refund? Get fucked!

Oh, I'm not listening to this, you knobhead.

You're a fucking moron, mate.

Go on, off you piss.

TAPE RECORDER CLICKS OFF

What have you got to say for yourself Mandy?

Well, firstly, can I say that I'm very touched

and extremely honoured that you've chosen tapes of me

to use for training others.

It's probably the first time in my life I've been used as

some sort of educational role model.

Also, do I get some sort of bonus for providing these training tapes?

These are going to be used for training purposes, Mandy.

For training people what NOT to say.

-Eh?! -Mandy, you're fired.

Effective immediately.

I'm going to need your badge and your gun.

Sorry, I-I mean, I'm going to need your headset and your key fob

to the gender-neutral toilets.

Aren't you meant to give me two weeks' notice or something?

Oh, no, Mandy. No, you've brought the call centre into disrepute,

so I can fire you immediately without notice, or payment,

or HR sticking their nervous little beaks in.

I'd ring up and complain, but I know I'd never get through!

Goodbye, Mandy.

Not paying me?

All right. I'm takin' this, then.

COMPUTER CHIMES

Windows 95.

That's exciting.

Come on. Why's it not doing anything?

SHOP BELL JANGLES

Mandy! What are you doing here?

-Shouldn't you be at the call centre? -Got let go.

They have to make hard choices in the ever-worsening

global economic situation.

They always start with the little people, don't they?

Did they give you any sort of pay-out?

No. I got a computer out of it.

But it just sits there, not doing anything.

I mean, I can do that myself.

Have you connected it to the internet?

-The what? -The internet.

The information super motorway?

The W-W-W-W-W-dot?

The wide, wide world web?

With it, you can do all sorts of things with a computer.

You can watch old TV clips, rate plumbers,

say if people are hot or not.

Ha! The world is your Oyster card.

How do I do that?

You need to get band-broad.

The faster, the better.

Sounds complicated.

Other people seem to manage it.

You just call the band-broad people.

All right. I'll see what I can do.

-I'm off now, Lola. See you later. -Thank you, my dear.

BABY FUSSES

-God bless you. -Thank you.

-Eh-heh. -Who were that? -Suzy.

I've rented the flat upstairs to her on Airbnb.

That's another thing you can do on the internet.

Poor girl and her new baby.

Nowhere else would take her.

So, now I can charge her a fortune for her rent.

Can you believe it, Mandy?

I have reinvented myself into a mum landlord!

Don't you need certificates to rent a place out?

Get all your electrics checked by the council, or summat?

No, you don't need to bother with anything like that.

Not on the internet.

There are no rules on the net.

I've just kitted out the place out with a few things

that I bought from eBay.

Very cheap.

I'm sure they're all in very good condition.

SHE CHUCKLES

ELECTRICAL SPARKING

HOLD MUZAK PLAYS OVER PHONE

Hello? How can I help?

Erm, hello.

-Er, I'd like to sign up for your band-broad, please. -OK.

Let me just see if there are any packages available in your area.

If you could give me your postcode, and then...

Hang, on is that you from the call centre?

Is... Is that Mandy Carter?

-Oh! I'm not dealing with that prick. -Not dealing with that fucking idiot.

SHE SIGHS

See what I can do.

The Smiths?

That's them from next door.

Let's put my old password in.

"Password."

All right, let's try "password"...

...but the O is a zero.

Oh, fuck me! They are crafty.

What they trying to hide?

DOG BARKS IN DISTANCE

Excuse me? Mr Smith?

What's the name of your dog?

-Bobby! -Thank you.

B-O-B-B-Y.

Oh, fuck me! They are devious.

What about "Bobby"...

...but, again, the O is a zero?

Yes! We're in!

Now, to take a drive down the information hyper-subway.

Bonanza.

BONANZA THEME PLAYS

Yes...

He's generating speed with his back legs,

and his balance is good!

You're not getting any younger, are you?

Kim and Khloe take India.

Was I meant to be a princess, or what?!

Pavements remain very dangerous.

It's a glimpse into the centre of the Earth.

Realising it's not worth the risk...

But behind the public facade of Royal duty

was a hidden secret life of marital betrayal.

What do all these people have in common?

Well, all of them hide a dark and cold secret

just beneath their artificial skin.

Four teenagers and a 12-year-old...

I don't know what I'm seeing here, but it's just insane.

Covid-19 strain...

- Get the - BLEEP - outta here! - I will go!

She's a human!

Is it any wonder people are afraid of technology?

VOICES OVERLAP

Only Kim K can make construction materials look cool...

VOICES STOP

SHE SOBS

SHOP BELL JANGLES

Mandy! Are you OK?

You look very pale.

Went down a wormhole last night, Lola.

You're thin, Mandy, but I didn't think you could fit

-down a worm's hole. -An internet wormhole!

I spent all night on social media,

comparing myself to Kim Kardashians.

Now I feel worthless about my body image.