Nowhere to Slide

¶

- What's up, Phoebe? - Shhh, quiet.

I'm hiding from Gideon.

Oh, sorry.

Why are you hiding from Gideon?!

Ow.

- Gideon is out of control these days.

He's constantly asking me out,

calling me "Boo,"

or "Boo Bear,"

or "Boo Brontosaurus Rex."

- He can't possibly be worse than Sarah.

Ever since I stopped dating Allison,

she won't leave me alone.

So, I had to break out this.

- Chloe's make-up mirror?

Yes.

Back when I had a band

and dreamed of being a rock star,

I was gonna use it to avoid crazy fans.

Now, I use it to avoid my craziest fan of all.

Hey, Max!

You have a crazy fan?

That must be so annoying.

Anyway, I got you this little beehive.

Oh, I get it, Sarah--

because you're Max's honey.

Did he say that?!

Did you say that?

- Are there bees in that thing?

- Oops! Looks like there were

a couple of little guys left in there.

Eeee!

Come back, my honey!

Sting me, instead!

- Oh, man, maybe Max does have it worse than me.

Boo!

- Get it? 'Cause I'm your "Boo."

I get it.

Just don't want it.

- Well, you didn't like that,

but you are going to love the boolloons.

The what?

And it's my turn to hide in my locker.

- Thanks, guys, for coming along

and helping me drop off Nora at super camp.

I feel bad that I sat on her bunkmate, the invisible kid.

- Why didn't I ever get to go to camp?

- You did. You burnt the place down.

Where is it?!

Where is it?!

I can't be sure,

but I think Mom's looking for something.

- Oh, no, Barb, did Chloe lose her blanket again?

- I'll go ask her where she left it.

Are you mad, child?!

You know how attached she is to that thing.

- Yeah, last time it went missing,

she teleported everything out of the house

to try to find it.

Including my slide.

I had to use the stairs like an animal.

- I'm gonna go hide my homework.

- Where do I hide them, Phoebe?

- Barb, we panic every time Chloe loses that blanket.

Maybe there's another way we can handle this.

- No, when she's ready to give up

the blanket, she will.

Now make with the muscles and lift up the couch.

Oh! Found it!

Found what?

The...kitchen...

which is where we should go into

so I can make you a snack.

- Chloe is never gonna get over that blanket

as long as your Mom keeps finding it for her.

But Daddy knows exactly what to do.

- Leave it alone and let Mom handle it?

- Oh, thunderchild, I have so much to teach you.

- [electric guitar playing heavy rock]

Play it, Max!

Oh, I'm a hippie! Oh!

This is the greatest day of my life!

Woo!

Well, this is weird.

- What? There's nothing weird about this.

Take my underwear!

Okay, now it's weird.

- Gideon and Sarah are completely in love with us,

and your solution is to play video games?

- This is the closest I'll get

to living out my rock star dream--

going on world tours,

staying in fancy hotel rooms,

having adoring fans.

- Hey, about that--can I have my underwear back?

I feel a draft.

- Next time, keep 'em on your butt.

Could you focus, Max?

We have to fix our Gideon and Sarah problem.

That's a school problem.

We're home now. We're safe.

Really?

Thunder monitor, show us the door cams.

Does she have a tent?

- Yep, and he's stringing up a hammock.

We're not safe at school,

we're not safe at home.

This has to stop. - You're right.

If we let them sleep through the night,

then we attack in the morning!

- No. I have a better plan. - Let's do it.

- You haven't heard the plan. - Let's not do it.

Okay...

we're gonna set Gideon and Sarah up with each other.

If they hit it off, they'll forget all about us.

Oh...

now that is a really good idea.

Colosso, give her the deluxe, super fan treatment.

Right!

- A simple thank you would have been fine.

¶

¶ What you see ¶

¶ Is not what you get ¶

¶ Livin' our lives with a secret ¶

¶ We fit right in ¶

¶ Bet you never guessed ¶

¶ 'Cause we're livin' our lives ¶

¶ Just like all the rest ¶

¶ A picture perfect family ¶

¶ Is what we try to be ¶

¶ Look closer, you might see ¶

¶ The crazy things we do ¶

¶ This isn't make believe ¶

¶ It's our reality ¶

¶ Just your average family ¶

¶ Trying to be normal and stay out of trouble ¶

¶ Livin' a double life ¶¶

¶

- All right, I texted Sarah to meet me over at table seven.

- Okay, good, I just texted Gideon

to meet me at table seven--

although, it is a school night, so they might not show up.

- Max! It's honey time!

They live on our porch.

Do you think school would stop 'em?

- I'm sorry, Sarah, but I need this table.

I'm meeting Phoebe.

- Well, I'm meeting Max.

- I know what's happening.

Me and Phoebe and you and Max

are having a double date!

See?

I knew sleeping on his porch would work!

- Right, they're sitting together.

Now what?

- Now we call the Love Doctor.

Brrring! Brrring! What?

I have to take this.

Yes, this is Phoebe, the Love Doctor.

No one's enjoying this.

- Just watch. They're perfect for each other.

We just need to create the right mood

for them to realize it.

Here, first step, flowers.

- Somebody ordered your table

the Splatty Romance Package.

I bet Max set this up.

He's so romantic, don't you think?

- All I think about is Phoebe.

Achoo! - Ew!

- Did you forget he's allergic to everything?

Yes, I did.

- Achoo! Achoo! Ah!

Ring! Ring!

Hello, this is Dr. Better-Than-Phoebe,

and I am ready to operate.

- Didn't that sting? - Worth it.

¶

- Okay. Now before your Mom gets back,

it's up to us to fix Chloe's blanket problem.

Just to be clear--

we're talking about Khloe Kardashian, right?

- No. Chloe, your sister.

- Not as high profile, but I'll still help.

- First, we hide her blanket.

Next, we tell her it's missing.

She'll get upset, but...

she'll get over it.

- Then we'll fix this Khloe Kardashian thing.

Sure.

Chloe?

- Hey, Daddy.

Honey, take a seat.

We've got some bad news.

Your blanket... is gone.

What?

- Your blanket's gone and you have to deal with it!

Uh, settle down, Billy.

Honey...