South Park

Wuh-okay! You guys ready up there!?

Ready!

On your marks! Get set! Uh-go!

We win again!

That's not fair! Cartman's ass is so fat he makes your sled go faster!

Ey! Don't call me fat, Token!

We want to use the sleds now, butt pirates!

Sleds are for guys.

Yeah! Why don't you chicks go wash some dishes or get pregnant or something?!

These are the school's sleds, ass rammers, not yours!

Look, girls don't even know how to sled. Do something else.

I bet we can sled ten times better than you, doughnut punchers!

-Oh yeah?! -Yeah!

We'd kick your girlie ass in sledding!

How about a race down a real hill, then?!

-Yeah! -You got it!

Yeah!

Your best four sledders agains our best four sledders!

Noo problem!

Then we'll see you this Saturday on Phil Collins Hill!

Phil Collins Hill on Saturday! You got it!

See you there! And may the best woman win, turd burglars!

Oh, boy! We'll show them!

Yeah. Oo-oo-why, us men will show those skanky hos who's who!

Yeah. Those girls don't realize what good sledders Stan, Kyle, and Kenny are.

Yeah! And with Cartman's enormously fat ass, the boys are sure to win!

Token, I swear to God, if you call me fat one more time

I'm gonna smack you on the head with this rock!

-Fatass. -There!

And what you need to understand is that this is not appropriate behavior, young man! M'kay?

Eric, don't you realize you could've seriously injured your little friend?

I'm sorry, Mom.

Don't apologize to us, apologize to him!

I'm sorry, Token.

Well, I hope you learned that throwing rocks is baaad, Eric.

Oh, I sure do, Mr. Mackey. I mean, I feel really bad, uhh.

What was I thinking? The only thing I can do now is try to go on and live day by day.

See ya later.

Not this time, Eric! You've got to learn to respect your little friends!

You're gonna have detention for two weeks!

No way!

Yes way! M'kay, and that settles it! Now, let's all go-

-Counselor Mackey? -Yes?

I'm Agent Sharp and this is Agent Keen. We're with the FBI.

We're here to investigate the rock-throwing incident.

M'kay, I've already taken care of it

Eric Cartman her is gonna be punished with two weeks of detention.

I'm afraid it's a bit more complicated than that, Mr. School Counselor.You see,

since the victim in this case is African-American, this is considered a hate crime.

What the hell is a hate crime?

Uh, but I don't think this is a ruh-

New laws have been passed that make any crime based on race, ethnicity, or sexual orientation a federal offense.

What? A federal offense?

-Oh no. -Oh no??

We're sorry, Ms. Cartman, but we must follow protocol.

Your son will be taken into custody and then tried in a federal court of law.

Oh my goodness.

The hate crime trial of the century is underway on Court TV tracks U van. .

...Live. Here's your host, Leslie Smith.

What turns a normal, fat little eight-year-old

boy into a vicious, hate-crime-commiting racist?

We take you live to the courtroom as the defendant takes the stand.

Mr. Cartman, do you know a boy by the name of "Token?"

-Uh, yes? -Who is Token?

He's a black kid that goes to my school?

Black! Did you say black?! You called him black?!

He is black.

O! He said it again!

He is African-American, and so you decided to pick him out!

I did?

The rage built and built inside your head until it became too much because you hate African-Americans!!

-No! I hate hippies! -What?!

I hate hippies! I mean, the way they always talk about "protectin' the earth" and then drive around in

cars that get poor gas mileage and wear those stupid bracelets - I hate 'em! I wanna kick 'em in the nuts!

Oo, poopiekins?

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, this is why we have hate-crime laws!

This "monster" commited a crime not against an individual, but against a race!

Do the democratic thing and send his fat little butt to prison!

Ey! Don't call me fat, asshole!

The prosecution rests.

Don't forget: we still have a sledding race this Saturday, pillow biters.

We know!

Dude, this is horrible. We gotta get Cartman out of court so we can go practice.

Eric Cartman, you have been found guilty of commiting a hate crime.

For this, I hereby sentence you to the Alamosa Juvenile Hall, until you turn twen-ty one.

No!

I am making an example of you, to send a message out to people everywhere:

...that if you want to hurt another human being, you'd better make damn sure they're the same color as you are!

Court is adjourned!

Bailiffs, escort this little bastard to Juvenile Hall.

Yes, sir.

Alright, you! uh-uh-uh, where'd he go?

Kenny! Kenny, you have to get me out of town!

They're gonna put me in jail for a hate crime! You have to take me to Mexico!

(Mexico?! Why the heck do I have to take you all the way to Mexico?!)

Calm down, Kenny!

Do you still have that battery-powered toy truck you got last Christmas?!

Well, come on! I don't have much time!

A car chase is evolving on the 285 corridor east of South Park!

Hate-crime suspect Eric Cartman is trying to outrun federal prosecutors in his friend's Go-Go Action Bronco!

Our Eye in the Sky Greg Nimins is there live. Greg?

Tom, it looks like the Go-Go Action Bronco is heading east on 285.

Police officers are right behind him but as with any chase,

they're keeping a safe distance to avoid any accidents here out on the highway.

Tom, it looks like the fugitive is going to make a bold move off an exit off 285.

He's going into a residential neighborhood now; this is where

it could get dangerous, as there are pedestrians about."

Damnit, Kenny! Can't this thing go any faster?!

Tom, the police have set a roadblock right where the Go-Go Action Bronco is heading.

This could be the final stand-off.

Alright, that's far enough. Stop the Go-Go

Action Bronco and come out with your hands up.

Just bring it to a stop and come on out.

Jeezus, he's gonna ram it!

Crazy son of a bitch.

Well, it's been over thirteen hours now, and still the car chase has not ended.

What the hell are they doing?

The chase has now moved through most of Arizona and nears the Mexican border.

Dude, if Kenny takes Cartman to Mexico, how are we ever gonna win the sledding race on Saturday?

Don't worry, dude. That little truck just runs on D batteries. It's gonna run out of juice soon.

We're gonna make it, Kenny! We're gonna make it to Mexico!

Oh, God damnit!

Hello?

Just a friendly reminder: Cartman's going to jail and you've got four days until the race, rump rangers!

Son of a bitch!

Here we are, the end of the road. Alamosa Maximum Security Juvenile Hall.

Prisoner 24601, arriving.

Forward, prisoner! You will wake up each morning at 05:00.

Lockdown is until 09:00. At ten we begin random searches and checks for contraband.

At 11:30 we have naptime, followed by finger-painting.

Your cellmate is Romper Stomper!

Huh-who's Romper Stomper?

I am!

And I don't want no new cellmate!

You don't have a choice, Stomper! Now, show this new prisoner the ropes!

Oh, I will! You bet your ass I will.

Alright, guys. It looks like Cartman's not gonna be able to sled with us for another?

...13 years, so in the meantime we need someone to race with us against the girls on Saturday.

Yeah. Cartman's weight was what gave us speed,

...so we need to find the next-fattest kid besides Cartman.

Come on, who's the second-fattest kid in South Park?

Uuhh, I think Clyde is the next-fattest uh-kid.

-Huh? -Yeah. Okay, get over here, Clyde.

I'm not fat.

Deal with it, dude! Cartman's gone, so now you're the fat kid.

Yeah, fatss! Get your fat butt on the sled!

Hey, I'm not fat, you guys. I'm just kind of big-boned.

Dah, that's what they all say. Okay, ready? Go!

Hey dude, we don't even have enough weight to move.

See you Saturday, poo sniffers!

Nice going, fat boy!

Well, well, well. New fish.

How about you come up with a reason why we don't break your arms?!

Uh?'Cause I'm just like you guys. Uh-I'm one of you.

Oh yeah? The way I see it, there's two kinds of kids in the world:

...kids who like Animaniacs, and kids who don't like Animaniacs.

You're either with us, or you're against us. So which are you?!

Oh, uh, well, personally, I? uhuhuhuh, I don't like Animaniacs?

neither do we

Oh, thank you, Jesus. So we're friends now?

"No! There's no friends in the Big House!

You come in with nobody and you leave with nobody.

We don't believe in "friends."

Yeah, neither do I. Friends suck.

Now, go find me some cigarettes and I'll tell you how to bust out of here.

Okay, we've figured it out.

To add more weight to the sled, we're gonna use these bricks

...but we're gonna cover 'em with kid's clothes so that the girls think it's another kid!

Oh, that's a wonderful idea.

So I don't get to be on the team now?

Shut up, fatass!

Yeah, why don't you go eat some more pork rinds or something, you fat fuck?!

Come on, let's get it a try.

Dude, bail! Bail!

-Ooh, my God, we killed Kenny. -We killed Kenny?

We Killed Kenny. We're bastards.

Well, that didn't work. What else can we try?

Nothing else is gonna work. We have to face the fact that without Cartman,

...we're gonna lose to a bunch o' girls.

Well, uh-I sure do hate to, uh, to see my gender tuh, lose to a bunch o' women!

This is a sad day for men everywhere.

You know something, guys? I think we all took Cartman's ass for granted.

Yeup.

If only we had realized how special our time with his gigantic ass was.

Well, all that time we didn't understand what a unique and magical ass it was.

Woohoo. Great time, girls.

Oh, gee. Looks like you lost another sledder.

Good luck on Saturday, doughnut punchers!

That does it! We've got no other choice! We've got to bust Cartman out of jail!

How?

I saw a movie once where they baked a cake and put a nail file inside of it.

Sweet! Let's go!

Hooray! Alright! Here we go!

-And have you been brushing your teeth? -Yes, Mommy.

-And not dropping your soap? -Yes, Mommy.

Hi, Mom.

Young man, that is the fourth time you've been

late for our visitingtime you are grounded.

Grounded? On, no! Um, wait?

Here you go, boys. Keep it short.