What We Do in the Shadows

Guillermo!

The coffin is stuck again!

Guillermo?

The lid is very heavy.

Are you sitting on it?

A vampire's familiar can be important.

Can be a very big help.

It feels like you are sitting on it, Guillermo!

Guillermo is not always helpful.

He can be inconsistent and human.

Guillermo?

Are you hiding from me?

Ha!

And surprisingly sneaky.

Guillermo?

I am about to disembark from my coffin.

There's no one to hold my hand.

He likes to test my patience sometimes.

He's like a kid.

I got out of my coffin all by myself.

He's Guillermo.

Guillermo?

Guillermo, have you taken another day off?

Knew I shouldn't have given him any days off.

Shh. There's a vampire approaching your room.

Ha!

He's gone.

("You're Dead" by Norma Tanega playing)

So, Guillermo has been gone

for a few days now, and as I predicted,

we are doing absolutely fine.

It's just so nice to have the place to ourselves.

Nandor, did you forget to blow out

the candles before you went to bed?

Those candles are in the hallway

and not in my room, so, no, I did not blow them out!

Now the wall is all wet!

Nadja!

I'm not drying that wall!

So, as I was saying,

it is just so nice to have the house to ourselves.

You know, having a human familiar is great,

but to rely on one, I mean...

Even if they don't quit, how long will a human familiar live?

Hundred, 200 years?

I mean, how old are you, nine‐‐ 90?

‐26. ‐26?

Do you have long left, do you think?

Laszlo!

Hello, my darling!

Who's this?

Victim, begone.

Wait, you're not gonna drink all of my blood till I die?

Not tonight, Josephine.

It's too messy.

Easier if you just walk out.

Bloody cheek...

Who is leaving all these bodies everywhere?!

You did that.

Hey, hey.

What in the Sam Hill?!

Careful!

Jeepers creepers, you guys need

to clean up all these human juices.

They'll dry on their own.

Ah, crud, how am I supposed

to go to work looking like this?

Can't you just change into another of your beige suits?

Yeah, I'll just say I got in a bus accident or something.

Damn it!

Is anyone else a little chilly?

Yeah, I'm as cold as a witch's tit,

because you let the fire burn down.

‐NANDOR: What are you wearing? ‐What are you wearing?

Guillermo used to take our clothes out once a week

and bring them back clean, and he's not here, so...

Yeah, but where did he take them?

‐The river? ‐Oh, yes, that is a very good point.

We should contact the village washerwoman.

Someone contact the village washerwoman!

I'm not doing that!

I drove him away, didn't I?

Perhaps I should've been a bit more aloof with him.

What are you fucking talking about?

He's just a familiar.

You're right.

Fuck that guy for making me think

I need to act more aloof!

We're doing just great without him.

Everything is normal and fun.

You know, I did sense

he was getting more and more sad recently.

I could smell it on him. It comes from the groin.

‐Ah. ‐Colin Robinson,

take out your cellular telephone and take a picture

of me having fun and then send it to Guillermo,

so that he knows how much I do not miss him.

Aah! Aah...

I don't even have his phone number, so...

Well, look it up.

Uh, what's his last name?

Uh...

Greenberg?

Mm, Guillermo B... Buillermo?

Yeah, but you assume that's his first name.

Could be his last name.

He could be called Mickey Guillermo.

Just look up "Guillermo."

I'll do this just to show you

how dumb you are.

Yes, there are over 5,000 Guillermos

in the New York metropolitan area,

including Mickey Guillermos, of which there are four.

Can we maybe narrow it down a little bit?

Yes, yes, of course we can.

What else do we know about him

besides his first name being Guillermo?

‐(doorbell ringing) ‐Door's ringing, Laszlo.

: Well, you better go and answer it.

Y‐You better go and answer it.

You got to go and answer the darn‐tootin' door.

‐Stop doing that! ‐LASZLO: Stop doing what?

: Come on, just go get the door.

I'm not your Mr. Belvedere now.

I'll do it then.

I wanted to do it.

Assistance, please?

Ooh, it has a hex on it.

Gizmo's probably cursed it.

Pull!

‐"Pull"? ‐Yeah.

‐Aha! ‐Oh.

‐Here you go. ‐Begone.

Come back. You will forget everything you have seen.

Most importantly, the way we are both dressed.

To the fancy room again.

‐NADJA: Well, who is it from? ‐LASZLO: Get it open.

Well?

It is from the NouveauThéâtre des Vampires.

And we have all been invited!

‐LASZLO: Yes! ‐NADJA: Yeah.

The Nouveau Théâtre des Vampires is

‐a very, very big deal. ‐They travel from Europe

to the United States once every five years.

And only the crème de la crème de la creams of vampire society

is invited.

This is the first year we have made the cut.

Everyone who has seen it says

it is magnificent.

It is an all‐vampire cast

and it is just the most beautiful,

eerie, poignant, important,

‐important work. ‐And I've heard there's a lot of nudity.

And I mean a lot, and when I say a lot,

I don't just mean a whiff of tit, I mean the full rack.

Full boobies, full boners.

The full display.

We're going to have so much fun.

I am

so G‐damn excited to be going to the vampire theater.

There's some genitalia on show there that would make a human

go, "What is that exactly?"

So we shall be honored to attend.

‐Mm‐hmm. ‐Wait.

What are we thinking? We don't have any clothes!

They are all soiled. We cannot go dressed like this.

She's right. We can't go dressed like this.

We'll be laughed out of the place.

They're not going to let us in now.

‐Goddamn it! ‐Damn!

Wait, stop, guys, stop.

‐(quietly): Am I really gonna do this? ‐Do what?

Listen.

There is a way to get your clothes back.

Don't ask me how. You don't want to know.

There's a good chance that I'm...

not even gonna make it back alive.

‐(gasps) ‐You mean you might be killed, Colin Robinson?

We don't want you to hurt yourself.

Me neither, damn it.

But if I do this kindness for you,

can I ask for one in return?

Anything. What is it?

I'd really like to move out of my room in the basement.

If you retrieve our clothes, you can move into my room.

Oh, no, no, no. I don't want your room.

I‐I just want to move into that other room in the basement.

‐Hmm? ‐Sounds fair. ‐Really?

Go ahead. Do that now.

I guess we're going to the Théâtre!

So, basically I needed to go to the dry cleaners anyway.

I just didn't want to make it sound too easy for them,

'cause you go once or twice and then,

all of a sudden you're the go‐to

dry cleaning fetcher.

Colin Robinson wins again.

‐Yeah, so I had to... ‐(clattering)

‐(mutters) ‐I had to get out of there, so...