Thieves Like Us

You know, they say there's some of the best fishing around here

in that pond by the cow barn on Huett's land.

Listen, I'm gonna tell you all something about fishing, Bowie.

Most people won't admit to it.

Best time to go fishing is in the rain.

Well, I ain't ever done that.

Of course you haven't.

Somebody says, "Fish in the rain."

"Well, the fish won't be out."

Hell, if they don't wanna be out. Fish don't mind.

They live in the pond, the lake, whatever.

They're wet already.

Few more paddles and we're there, Bowie.

Good for you.

Come on, son of a bitch.

- Not a bad day's work, is it? - I'll say.

- You fellas stay here. Guard the boat. - See you.

I know they're just not gonna be here.

Well, they might.

I told you. They're not here.

- No. Look there. See? - Where?

Right there.

Who's driving?

Who was that guy who sells marijuana, the prison guy?

Jasbo?

Yeah, I think that's who's driving.

I could tell he sells marijuana

just by the way he drives.

He just hit a pothole.

Hey!

Hey!

Howdy, Bowie. What you boys doing out here, fishing?

Hi.

Hey, did y'all hear the one about the little boy that bought the turtle?

Had one of them turtles, you know, that they paint pictures on.

Well, the next day, he took it down to the store,

and he grabbed the manager and he says, "Look," he says,

"My turtle got blisters on his feet."

Man looked at him and says, "That's not possible, son."

He reached down, he took the turtle away from him, he looked at it.

He says, "Son, I believe you're right."

He says, "This turtle does have blisters on his feet."

Had two syrup buckets sitting over there on the counter.

He reached over there and he dropped that turtle in one syrup bucket,

and he reached down in that other syrup bucket and pulled out that turtle,

and he handed it to the little boy.

Little boy took that turtle, and he looked at it

and he said, "Thank you, sir."

He put it right on top of the counter and he says...

God almighty, man.

This is a stickup, Jasbo.

Bowie, you know me. Tell these boys I'm all right.

You just do like you're told.

I'll do anything you say.

All you gotta do is just tell me.

Come on, now, Jasbo.

You're gonna put your hands there high on that wheel.

- High, that's right. All right.

- You put your head between them. - Okay.

Yes, sir. I'll put my hands down between my legs

if you want me to.

Now, you don't have to do that, Jasbo.

Yeah, yeah. Just tell me, though.

Fourteen?

Fourteen? What do you think we are, midgets?

All right, come on, hurry up.

- Button later, button later. - Okay.

What do you think we are, T-Dub, giants?

Come on, will you?

Jasbo, put your head down.

Yes, sir.

Come on, let's go, let's get going.

Worry about the straps later.

All right, come on. Let's go. Get in, get in.

All right, Jasbo, start your motor.

Yes, sir.

I see you wince just once, Jasbo,

and I'm gonna shoot you right in the side of the head.

Yes, sir. Yes.

- Just hang a U here. - Yes, sir.

I'll bet the colonel's bowels are in an uproar by now.

I can just hear him saying, "Get out and slap that bunch of no-goods.

"That's what you get for treating them like white men."

No more baseball and passes to go fishing.

Now go and beat Bowie Bowers.

And that T-Dub Masefield, he isn't gonna work in that commissary no more.

Well, praise the Lord for that.

I can hear him saying, "Get out the guns

- "and the hounds and the 30-30s... - Yeah.

"...and you shoot them sons of bitches down."

Did you hear any baseball scores, Jasbo?

No, sir, I sure haven't.

Well, don't the radio work?

No, sir. It don't. It never has worked when it's raining.

Hey, Jasbo, why don't you sing us a song?

I don't know no songs.

What do you mean, you don't know no songs?

The radio don't work. You be the radio. You sing us a song.

Well, there is a song we used to sing in high school.

Oh, that's okay, boys. Sing the high school song.

Thataway, Jasbo!

Yeah, Jasbo!

Just another what?

Just another accident.

Hey, Jasbo!

Jasbo, I could shoot you for this.

Bowie, get that spare tire.

That ain't my fault. That there's a brand new tire.

His spare's flatter than a sailcat.

Gentlemen, this wins the purloin bathtub.

Come on, let's walk it.

You go ahead, Bowie. I'll take care of Jasbo right now.

- Take care of me? - Come on, in the car, in the car.

- Yes, sir. - Move it, move it, move!

Yes, sir.

Now, you know what to do, don't you, Jasbo?

- Or am I gonna have to tie you up? - No, sir, you don't have to tie me up.

- I know what to do. - That's a good boy.

- Now, you bump your head on that wheel. - Yes, sir.

And you close your eyes and you keep your eyes closed, you hear me?

Yes, sir.

You keep those eyes closed for the next two hours, hey?

- Yes, sir. - Three hours,

‘cause I'm gonna come back and check every once in a while. You got me?

Yes, sir.

You ain't fooling me.

I know you're there.

With the gun pointing at my head.

I ain't gonna open my eyes.

I'm gonna keep my eyes closed.

You said that you was gonna come back,

and I believe you, so that's...

That's where I'm gonna be, right here with my eyes closed when you get here.

I'll tell you one thing.

When I rob my next bank,

it'll be my 28th.

Well, I'm not gonna mess around with any clodhopper banks.

Yeah.

Best way to case one of those banks

is to go in there and cash those $20 bills.

Country boy's up.

Your breakfast is ready, Bowie.

I ain't hungry.

I remember one time,

couldn't have taken more than 2,000 off that niggerhead.

I see a cash slip, and I go over, I read it.

Then I go over to him, and I say,

"Friend, is your cash slip usually accurate?"

And he says, "Yes, sir."

And I said, "Well, in that case,

"you owe me $2,378.87

"because I just seen this slip."

He knows I got him. He starts cursing and swearing,

so I just put the twitch to him.

He's jumping up and down and hollering,

"Calf rope, calf rope."

So I let him go, and he points to this bottom drawer,

opens it up and sure enough, there it all was.

I'll tell you one thing.

You know what that banker would've done

- if you hadn't found that slip? - What?

He would've squawked his head off

that he was robbed of it all anyway.

Yes, sir, those bankers got cash

stashed all over that bank,

and every night they're just praying to get robbed.

Jesus Christ, what'd you all see?

Well, there was something in that grass.

Well, shit. I left my shoe.

I thought all the laws in the country was in that grass

the way you all tore out.

Well, go back and get your shoe. We're waiting for you.

I guess if he can make it without two toes,

I can make it without a shoe.

Hey, wait for me, you guys!

Lookie here.

Come here.

Where'd you come from?

Come on down here.

Come here.

You belong to someone?

Or you just a thief like me?

You sure look fat.

You sure you don't belong to somebody?

My foot feels just like a stump.

I sure wish them boys would get back here.

I'm gonna go dingbatty waiting.

Man on a stump can't do much of his job.

Well, them boys'll be back here.

Takes time to locate a man

when you don't know where he lives.

Well, I ain't gonna be hearing no more from my people.

You know, that's the first thing the law does