Strange Darling

So, I'm gonna have to ask you a question.

Are you a serial killer?

A THRILLER IN 6 CHAPTERS

CHAPTER 3

CHAPTER 3 "CAN YOU HELP ME? PLEASE?"

... the whereabouts of the Velvet Emerald Cult.

Although skeptics don't believe it's a real thing,

it is.

But that's for another broadcast.

Today we're gonna talk about

the chilling uncovering of a Bigfoot family

in the forest near his property

and what Mitchell is doing about it.

Pretty serious subject.

Let's jump right in.

Mitchell W. Mahoney, everybody.

- Mitchell, are you there? - I am. I am.

Listening with both ears.

I ain't taking no goddamn...

Oh! Oh! I must stop you there, sir.

As you know, our number-one rule is no bad language.

Oh, shit. Yeah, that's right. I'm sorry.

- Didn't mean it. - No harm, no foul.

It's an emotional subject. I understand. Carry on, sir.

So I take a quick shot of Old Grand-Dad

and I go out there.

Shotgun cocked.

And the whole time I hear the dogs

but when I opened the door to go outside,

it stops. Real quick like, wild.

Hey. Hey!

Can you help me? Please?

CHAPTER 5

CHAPTER 5 "HERE, KITTY, KITTY..."

Here, kitty, kitty, kitty.

Which really upset me

because we were gonna butcher it next month.

Now the whole thing's gone away.

I can't hear that.

But the worst part was,

the grizzly nature of the whole thing.

Yeah. There you go. It's nomenclature.

What if it attacked me?

All her innards were taken out and eaten.

Whatever it was, it's a loose sack of flesh and fur.

At first I thought it would be gray.

We've had them here before too.

Just to clarify for our listeners,

Mitchell was just referring to extra-terrestrial entities.

Yeah. Yeah, thanks, Art.

Here, kitty, kitty, kitty.

... went to Nova Scotia in 1972,

down in Breckenridge, Colorado in 1987.

Yet again, Moran County back in 2013.

I'm very familiar with the anatomy of those things.

And even just seeing the outline in the moonlight,

I knew immediately what it was.

Of course. Of course.

And was that the extent of it, or have you continued to be...

pestered, for lack of a better word?

No. No. They keep coming.

They've been eating my hens one by one...

Here, kitty, kitty, kitty!

Fuck!

Here, kitty, kitty, kitty.

CHAPTER 1

These aren't the same.

Mmm-mmm. Probably better for you, though.

Mmm... Doubt that.

I even smoked one of yours tonight.

But first...

A-plus.

- That's a relief. - Yes, it is.

Do you still want to, um,

get a room?

Can we just, uh,

make out a little bit?

Yeah.

Okay.

Look, we can just...

We can just swap numbers if you don't wanna...

Well, okay. You wanna get...

You wanna get digits?

Nobody gets digits anymore. It's about the Insta.

I guess I'm just getting old.

Well, you are.

I guess that's what I'm into.

This is gonna sound like bullshit, but, uh...

I don't really do this.

I mean, I have no problem doing it.

I...

I just have to really want it.

Do you want it?

Or are you, like, about to

tell me to go fuck myself?

No, no, I really want it.

I just... I... I like...

sobered up a little bit on the ride over

and started judging myself, I guess.

Look, my groceries are on one shelf.

Hers are on the other. You know what I mean?

If I cared, I would've said something at the bar.

And if she cared, I wouldn't fucking be here.

Your...

Your business is not my business.

What this is here, it's recreation.

And I fucking deserve it.

Hell, yeah.

Okay.

Mmm.

It's garbage.

Mmm.

Yeah.

Ooh.

You know...

The real issue is safety.

Once I'm alone with you in that room,

it's just us, no witnesses.

Do you have any idea the kind of risks

a woman like me takes every time

she agrees to have a little bit of fun?

It's a goddamn tragedy.

Men think that we're these prudes

who don't like casual sex.

Most of us fucking love casual sex.

We just want to know that murder

isn't gonna be served on the side.

Jesus.

Never thought about it that way.

Of course you haven't.

You're not a woman.

Then there's, you know,

plain old risk of disappointment,

which is the most common, but...

violence...

That's no joke.

That's life or death.

I think I, um...

I think I want one of those now.

Mmm.

You seem like a nice guy.

You do.

But you never really know.

So, I'm gonna have to ask you a question.

Are you a serial killer?

What?

I'm gonna need you to look me in the eyes

and give me a serious answer.

No.

- No... - No.

What?

No, I'm not...

a serial killer.

Okay.

Okay.

Now can we talk about all the things

I want you to do to me?

Harder.

Harder.

Stop.

Can you take these off me?

I don't know why this isn't working.

It's your idea.

Maybe it's you.

What did you just say?

Maybe I just don't need it with you.

Well...

Well, look, maybe it's better that we don't need that

in the beginning.

"The beginning."

If I didn't know any better,

I'd think you were on the verge of asking for digits.

What are they?

Hmm.

Stop.

- Or social media? - I'm not on social media.

See...

That makes me really want that number.

This just got really fucking complicated.

Well, aren't you eager?

Hmm?

Hmm.

What are you doing?

Do you like that?

Stop.

Okay, baby.

- Can you just wait a minute? - I don't want to wait.

I said I need a fucking minute!

What are you doing?

Take these off me now.

You don't get to decide.

Yes, I do get to decide.

Just because I asked you to cuff me at first

doesn't mean that you don't need my permission.

Wrong.

Get off of me, motherfucker!

You don't fucking hit me!

"Please don't fucking hit me, sir."

From now on, you only refer to me as sir.

Do you understand me?