Episode #1.1

-Hey, Stuart. -Bert.

Got anything new?

Funny every time.

I think I'm ready to pull the trigger on Batman 608.

Excellent choice.

What's the trade?

What would you say to a can of lima beans?

Oh, geez, Bert, come on! This is near mint.

I could probably get a couple Dinty Moore Beef Stews for this.

Plus...

cream corn.

Okay. I was saving it for my birthday, but I guess I'll throw it in.

Fancy Feast.

What flavor?

-Salmon. -Sold.

-Yay! -Are you crazy?

Hawkeye doesn't deserve to be an Avenger.

Yeah-- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! You do not want to go there.

You got a guy with a bow and arrow, and he's supposed to be on the same team

as a guy with an Arc Reactor iron suit and the literal God of Thunder?

What sense does that even make?

I don't know, I mean... Does this make sense?

I just mopped! We talked about this, Kyle!

-That's strike three! -I'm sorry, okay? But you heard him.

Sorry. He started it.

Unbelievable.

-Give me a hand. -Oh, yeah.

You know, I feel the same way about Green Arrow.

Yeah, we all do but you don't have to kill people.

Bye!

-You ever wonder where this thing goes? -Nope.

-Probably smart. -Stuart.

We gotta talk.

Shit just got weird.

Do you have an identical twin brother?

No.

-Okay, I have two questions. -Just two?

I've only got a few seconds to explain this, so you gotta focus.

-Who are you? -First question.

I'm you from another stream of reality.

Well, that answers that. Second question--

Listen to me.

This apocalyptic nightmare that you are living in,

it can be avoided, it never has to happen.

Okay, now I have, like, six questions.

-He can't be me. -He looks like you.

Senior prom, Emily Manhart, peach schnapps.

She was ready to go. You puked in her lap.

Sounds like you.

-At least I went to my senior prom. -I couldn't go. I had mono.

Please, I don't have a lot of time.

Leonard Hofstadter, Sheldon Cooper, Howard Wolowitz.

-Remember them? -Yeah, real nerds.

Pot-kettle.

-Sure. -Fair enough.

Anyway, they invented some kind of quantum entanglement thing,

and you were there when it malfunctioned.

Both of us or just him?

-Doesn't matter! -It matters to me.

The point is, it altered reality. None of this is supposed to be.

-And by none of this, you mean... -None of it!

The violence, the devastation, the dimensional rifts!

-Dimensional rifts! -Now we know.

None of this is normal.

-Certainly not that! -The big moth?

Yes! Yes! The big moth!

If you turn the lights off, they don't bother you.

You can put everything right. You can make it the way it was.

-You just have to find the-- -Hang on. Hang on!

If you're me from another reality, how can you be in this one?

I don't know. I'm not a quantum physicist.

I went to the Rhode Island School of Design.

-I didn't know that. -Oh, yeah, I have a BFA.

Really? How come you never did anything with it?

What am I gonna do, teach high school kids how to draw fruit?

Guys, please!

The machine is still at Caltech. Here's what you have to do.

Hang on, let me write this down.

"Cal... "

Oh, shoot!

-What is shaking it gonna do? -Stop talking and listen.

You know, I might have a Sharpie, excuse me.

Listen!

When you get to the machine...

-Damn it! -W... What's happening?

I don't know! I'm going through some kind of wormhole!

The important thing is...

And... And when you find him...

and that will fix everything.

You get any of that?

I got the gist.

Nice catch, Steve!

-How is it out there? -It's a little nippy. Wear layers.

Shall we?

I don't know. I'm having second thoughts.

What are you talking about? We've been given a quest.

-Yeah, but do we believe that guy? -That guy was you.

That's my point. When did we start listening to me?

Maybe we have a chance to fix the world.

I don't know, I think it's important to ask the question.

Is this reality that bad?

I think there's room for improvement.

What are you doing?

What's it look like? I'm trying to get us to Caltech.

With a Thomas Guide?

I would've used the GPS on my iPhone, but civilization seemed to have collapsed.

Check it out.

Juggling two--

Juggling two starving feral creatures, as you can see, is not difficult, but...

juggling three is... is profoundly stupid.

I saw them in Vegas.

Such a fun night.

You know who I loved in Vegas and I didn't think I would?

Celine Dion.

I'm sorry.

All right.

Oh, yeah.

Thank you!

We are Penn and Teller and we'll be here until we're dead!

Moth.

Oh, my God, look. Floss.

-Just hurry. It's getting dark. -Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Excuse me, how much for a foot of floss?

-Mint or regular? -Let me get the regular.

Thank you. Oh, yeah, look at that.

Can't put a price on healthy gums.

-This feels so good. -Go easy. We're sharing that.

Not a good sound.

Stuart?

Denise?

-I thought you were dead. -I thought you were dead!

So, what have you been up to?

Robbing mostly. Still working on my screenplay.

-Good for you. -Yeah. How have you been?

-Okay. Still got the store. -That's great.

What's going on?

Don't worry, Gary. I know these guys.

So, we're not robbing, we're not killing? What are we doing?

-You remember I mentioned Stuart? -Sure. How's it going? Gary.

Hi.

So, are you two...

You gotta remember, I thought you were dead.

Yeah, no, right, right, yeah.

Funny story, actually, Gary was seeing my friend Lisa.

Nice girl. Yeah, Jewish.

Yeah, and anyway, Lisa got eaten by cannibals in Sherman Oaks.

Oh, no.

Human meat isn't kosher,

but I guess that only matters if the cannibals are also Jewish.

Anyway, we, you know, comforted each other.

-The lady has skills, am I right? -Well...

To be honest, I mostly focused on my own performance.

-Anyway, we gotta go. -Yeah, Caltech. We're on a quest.

There's no more Caltech. What's left of it is a death trap.

We don't have a choice.

Yeah, an alternate version of me came from another universe

and explained how I can undo the apocalypse.

-It was really cool. -An alternate version of you?

Yeah, same pasty face and same whiny voice.

It was like looking in a mirror.

Well, good luck.

-Yeah, nice to see you. -Yeah, you too.

Have fun with the... looting and stuff.

Ciao.

-They're gonna die. -Oh, yeah.

-That looks bad. -Because of all the guns?

Yes, because of all the guns.

-Denise, what are you doing? -Trying to keep you alive.

I don't care about your life. I'm just hoping to get laid tonight.

Gary.

-Very kind. -Thank you.

-What's your plan? -No, I don't really have one.

-I'm kind of new to the action genre. -All right, here's how we do this.

I'll create a distraction at the main gate.

The three of you cut around to the side where the trucks are going in.

Yeah, then what?

When the trucks stop, you roll under them, grab the undercarriage, and ride on in.

You, sir, have done this before.

Well, back in the day, I was Army Special Forces.

Cool. I was a geologist.

-We ready? -Yeah.

-Hang on. So... So, roll, run, grab? -Run, roll, grab.

-Sorry, more of a visual learner. -On three. One, two, three!

Oh, my God, Gary!

-Don't move! -Hands in the air!

Tell them about the alternate version of you.

Oh, my gosh, Gary.

It's terrible. Just terrible. But you know what?

You... You're gonna find somebody else.