Jeff Dunham's Very Special Christmas Special

Wow, Walter, look at this.

Look at the lights on that house.

Oh, yeah, house.

It's great.

Yeah, and this fresh falling snow makes it the perfect winter scene, don't you think?

Uh, yeah, my heart's all a-frickin'-twitter.

This is my favorite time of year.

I can't do this.

Can't do what?

I can't get into the Christmas spirit.

Why not?

For one thing, I just swallowed a bunch of that fake snow.

Thanks, now.

What do you mean?

Stop being a moron.

This is all ho-ho-jingle-ass fake.

Besides, that is hot as hell in here.

Stop shaking this thing.

I'm gonna puke.

Seriously, I'm gonna be sick.

And what's that stuff you're shaking on us?

What is that?

Asbestos?

Walter, what would it take to get you into the Christmas spirit?

I don't know.

Are we getting paid for this?

Yeah?

Merry Christmas!

Ho, ho, ho!

Merry Christmas to one and all!

Ho, ho, ho!

Ladies and gentlemen, please put your hands together.

Thank you so much.

Merry Christmas.

And I think I know the answer to this question.

How you doing, Milwaukee?

I gotta tell ya, I am so excited to be here for the Christmas special.

We have been here many times at the Pabst Theater.

And I came here the first time 13 years ago and I thought, this is the place

whenever I shoot a TV special, gotta be right here in Milwaukee at the Pabst.

Thanks for coming and Merry Christmas.

Now, Christmas is a very special time, obviously, and a special time in my house.

I have three daughters and a wife, and, you know,

Christmas presents are always a difficult thing.

One of my daughters has a birthday near Christmas, and

she turned 16 this year, and we decided to get her a car.

Now, oh, and I win.

But we bought her a used vehicle.

Anybody that buys a 16-year-old kid a new

car, I think you're pretty much a moron, okay?

Because you're not buying them a car, You're buying them a bumper car.

That's what you're buying.

You ever sat in the front seat teaching a 15, 16-year-old kid to drive a car?

Here's the parent in the passenger seat.

And I'm still in the driveway.

Okay.

So we bought her this vehicle.

You know, as a parent, there's things that you know you're supposed to teach your

children and other things that nobody bothers telling you that

you need to tell them what to do or how to do or whatever.

One of those things is, how to put gasoline in a car.

Now, I didn't have any sisters, but I know that boys by the age of three,

just innately, not have put fricking gas in a car.

Girls, apparently, not so much.

Now, I will admit, my wife is smarter than me, especially when it comes to raising

kids, and she knows things about girls, obviously.

And one evening, after my daughter had had her car for about a week, my wife came to

me and she said very seriously, she said, OK, her car is almost on empty,

I'm going to take her and she's going to put gasoline in her car for the first time.

And I, not wanting to look like an idiot,

pretended I knew what she was talking about.

And so I went, OK.

OK.

A little while later, they came back from putting gas in the car.

My wife walks in the front door, hands me a video camera and says,

You can't see this.

And I'm like, What?

She goes, No, trust me, you're going to have new material for your show.

So I rewound it, hit play, and sure enough,

there's my daughter standing next to her car.

She has a door open on the gas tank and she's standing there doing this.

Mom, it won't open!

Now the first indication that my wife can be

a very cruel woman when she wants to be...

is what she did to help the child.

Nothing.

She just stood there videotaping.

Then you hear my wife say, Honey, remember, righty-tighty, lefty-loosey.

And the 16-year-old girl goes, Whatever.

Camera starts shaking.

Then you hear my wife say, Honey, turn it counter-clockwise.

My daughter looked at her watch.

And I'm the father standing there watching the tape going, oh no, no, no!

Because I realized she was looking at her watch two or three seconds too long before

she realized she was gazing at a digital watch.

To answer your question, yes, she's blonde.

But that's a good thing, because if she wasn't, that would mean she was just dumb.

Okay.

So she finally figures out, okay, turn her to the left, pulls the cap off,

and of course we have those, you know, four,

five, six-inch plastic leashes on a gas cap.

I look at those and I go, who the hell are these for?

Obviously, at some point along the way, the car manufacturers had a meeting and

they went, okay, there's too many idiots

that don't know what to do with the gas caps.

You got to put the freaking leash on them.

Or there are people at gas stations going...

And then to add insult to injury, they put that little rack thing inside the door.

And these same people are supposed to know, Oh,

I'm going to take the gas cap and hang it there.

That's very organized.

Thank you.

No, those people are going...

Okay, so now she turns around, she gets the nozzle out of the gas pump.

Now, we all know that in the car there's a hole.

And you have the nozzle.

But there's also the sleeve that goes over the nozzle, has a little spring on it.

That of course goes over the hole to keep

the fumes from coming when you're filling up.

You know, you would think...

that at somewhere along the line, in the last, I don't know, maybe six

months, She would have said to herself, Oh, I'm going to be driving soon.

Maybe I should watch mom and dad and take notes to see how to fill up a car.

No, you know why?

Because for the last five years, she's been sitting in the back seat going.

..

My parents are so stupid.

LOL.

Hey, here's the picture of my foot.

She tried to cram the entire thing with the sleeve into the hole.

Just cramming it, crushing it, pushing it.

And then she can't say, Mom, it won't fit, it's the wrong button.

Camera's shaking.

And then she finally figures out, Okay, it's got to hang right there.

Okay, now.

She didn't turn on the pump.

She didn't swipe a credit card.

She didn't go talk to the guy.

She just stood there, apparently waiting for the magic gas to flow.

And then she started doing this.

Realized nothing was going on.

She was like...

Reaches over, squeezes the thing.

Camera's shaking.

Mom, it won't stay on.

Here's the second indication my wife can be cruel when she wants to be.

She didn't tell the child what to do.

She walked over to the car.

You see the camera getting closer.

You see her hand reach into the frame.

What she did took about a half second.

This is cruelty to children.

She reaches in, squeezes the thing with her pinky,

flips it shut like this to keep it squeezed.

Hand out of the frame.

My daughter goes, Mom, how'd you do that?

Now we come to what I thought was going to be This

is going to be my favorite part of the episode.

The swiping of the credit card.

First of all, I know she has to walk all the way over here

and get the credit card out of the bottom of her purse.

The purse.

The purse.

The woman's purse.

That's another thing!

That is an evil accessory thing that women have that guys just don't get.

We don't want to frickin' get near the woman's purse.

We carry everything we need in life in a piece of leather folded over that big.

My wife will say, get my keys out of my purse.

I'm like, I ain't touching that thing.

I've heard noises coming out of there.

It's evil.

I've seen you pull farm tools out of that.

She can turn her purse upside down, shake it, nothing come out.

Turn it back over, reach in.

Look, a bowling ball.

There it is.

But

I know my daughter has to walk over here, get the credit

card, walk over here, and then swipe the credit card.

And I'm thinking, swiping the credit card.

This is going to be funny as hell, because I'm the guy standing in the

grocery store with my credit card, trying to

match the way the stripe goes with the picture.

Okay, is this upside down?

This is not 3D.

I don't understand this diagram.

Could you help me out?

Thank you.

I didn't get it.

I know that my daughter has, and I'm thinking, a 16-year-old girl, a

16-year-old girl is never going to know how to swipe a credit card.

What the hell was I thinking?

She was trained by the ninja of shoppers.

My wife at Christmas time was like...

It's unbelievable.

The time that it took my daughter to walk over here, get in the bottom of her purse,

find the credit card, walk over to here, swipe it, And for my money to be flowing

away at five bucks a gallon, I had to slow down the

videotape to frame by frame to see how it happened.