South Park

School days, school days, teacher's golden rule day…

-Ah, damn it! -What?

My God-damned little brother's trying to follow me to school, again!

Suck my balls.

No, Ike! You can't come to school with me.

Yeah! Go home, you little dildo!

Dude, for the last time, don't call my brother a dildo!

Alright, go home, you little semen-puking asshole dickhead!

Dude, sweet!

Yeah. Check it out. Ready Ike? Kick the baby!

Don't hit the God-damned baby!

Kick it!

Whoa Cartman. Looks like you didn't get much sleep last night.

That's because I was having these bogus nightmares all night long.

Really? What about?

Well, I dreamt that I was lying in my bed… in the dark.

When all of a sudden this bright blue light filled the room.

Then slowly my bedroom door begin to open and the next thing I remember I was being drug through a hallway.

Then these scary hands wanted to operate on me. And they had big heads and big black eyes…

Dude! Visitors!

-Totally! -What?

That wasn't a dream Cartman, those were visitors!

No, it was just a dream, my mom said so.

Visitors are real. They... Wait a minute. This has all happened before.

Yeah. This does seem really familiar.

What the Funk & Wagnalls are you talkin' about?

Cartman, don't you remember the last time you had this dream?

Eh-ih... shut up you guys, you're just tryin' to scare me.

No, dude, this happened before!

Aliens put some device in you and then we tied you up to a tree and you went up on their ship! You don't remember that?

No I don't remember that!

You don't?

No, because the aliens erased my memory!

I remember this whole thing. Ike tried to follow you to school.

You kicked him, then Cartman told us about his alien dream.

Yeah, and then Chef pulled up in his car.

Hello there, children!

And then you said

What's gonna be for lunch today, Chef?

Well, today it's Salisbury steak with hot buttered noodles

and a choice of green bean salad or vegetable medley.

Weird

Say, did any of you children

see the alien space ship last night?

What the?

Chef, we're in a repeat.

A repeat??

Cartman was visited by aliens again last night. And now it's like we're living a repeat of a previous day.

Aw dude, I hate repeats!

I've been feelin' déjà vu all mornin', children. I knew somethin' strange was goin' on!

It all started when Cartman got an anal probe.

We have to get Eric to a proctologist right away.

What is a proc-tologist, Chef?

He's a doctor that specializes in your asshole, children.

You mean, at some point in this doctor's life he decided he wanted to work on people's buttholes.

That's right.

What a dick!

Hello everyone!

Hello Doctor. Thanks for seein' Eric on such short notice.

What seems to be the problem?

We just want you to take a look and tell us if you see anything abnormal.

Other than his monstrous size.

SHUT UP, KYLE! SHUT YOUR GOD-DAMNED MOUTH!

All right, let's see here. Oh my God!!

What?

Why, there's a huge crack goin' right down the middle!

Haha, very funny.

Yeah, like we haven't heard that one a zillion times.

All right, let's take a look.

Heey, just what the hell do you think you're doing?

Eric, the doctor has to feel inside your rectum.

And afterwards, he'll probably have to burn his hand and bury it.

Kyle, I swear, if I didn't have a guy's hand up my ass right now,

I'd leap across the room and kick you in the nuts.

Well the prostate seems to be normal.

No swelling of the hemorrhoidal gland...

Wait, what's this?

Are you okay?

Dude. You know that feeling when you take a huuuge dump? Awesome!

Well, doctor?

I've never quite seen this before, uh... Perhaps he just needs some hemorrhoid cream.

You all right?

You know the feeling when the huge dump you just took shoots back up inside your ass?

NO I""M NOT ALL RIGHT!!"

I've never seen a hemorrhoid react this way.

That wasn't no hemorrhoid, it was an alien hoobajoob!

Come on, children! We've got to get Eric to some real help!

Where to now, Chef?

That thing inside Eric's asshole looked like some kinda alien satellite dish.

We need to see my friend down at the Space Center now!

And you're the only person I could think of who might be able to help us, Jeff.

How do we uh, make it come out?

Someone just has to activate it like the proctologist did.

Ohhh no no nonono! Nobody is putting their finger in my ass again! Unless it's Kyle.

What? No way! You do it, Kenny!

Nope! It has to be Kyle!

Go on.

I'm not putting my finger up Cartman's butt!

Kyle, the fate of the world may be at stake.

Come, Kyle. Do hurry.

Go ahead, it won't bite.

God-damnit Cartman!

I couldn't resist. I'm sorry.

Stop it Cartman!

Okay. Okay okay.

God Damnit!

Haha. Oh man, that was great.

Okay, go ahead. I'm all out of farts now.

Okaay, okay. It's not funny anymore.

Oh yes it is!

Eric, that's enough!

Okay, okay.

Ohh, double psych!

That's it! I don't care about the fate of the world! Screw it!

Oh, nice going, Cartman!

All right, all right, I'm sorry. Go ahead, Kyle.

No!

No, go ahead. I'm dry.

You're lying!

It stopped being funny forty seconds ago, boy! Let's just get this over with!

But it was one of the best times I've ever had.

Can I see this thing, please?

Okay.

Ohhh! God-damnit!

Okay. Now it's funny again.

This is so awesome. I don't think I made it out of that proctologist's office, guys.

I think I died and went to heaven.

That does it! CHARGE!

What's it doing?

It, it's sending a transmission of some kind.

Got it!

It's just sending images of cities and people and stuff.

Where is the signal being sent to?

Ugh. I don't wanna play anymore, you guys.

We went through all that just for some gay video of Earth?

We wanted to see an alien planet or something.

Whoever they are, if they're receiving messages, they might be sending them, too.

Wait a minute. c-candy bars.

Candy bars?

Yu-you know. Candy bars. They usually come in a wrapper. Just like you... wrap a Christmas present.

Christmas happens when it's cold. Cold, as in Alaska - that's... with polar bears.

Polar bears... pola... polarity!

I can switch the polarity to see what transmissions are coming from the location this one is being sent to!

What the heck?

They're coming in!

What do we do???

It's that guy you want! He's trying to reverse your polarities!

What??

Help!

Get in the car, children! Get in the car!

What is that?

Can you see anything, children?

The aliens are chasing us!

God damned aliens!

Chef! End of the road!

Hold on, children! We have to ditch them!

What are you doing, man?!

Looks like them boys are gettin' a little fresh air.

I think we ditched them.

I don't think we're outta the woods yet.

It's the police!

That ain't no police!

When do we get to eat. I'm hungry.

Chef!!

HA! God-damned aliens! I beat you!

Where'd you learn to drive, aliens?! Chinese auto school?!

Chef! Chef! They've got us!

You're lucky I didn't just turn around and beat your white skinny alien asses anyway!

Maybe next time you'll remember to...

Huh? Aw crap! Children!

Cheeeeeeef!

Well, it looks like the boys are in more trouble than a June bug in molasses.

And it's pretty thick molasses, too.

Uh. Wugh. You guys. Wake up!

What the? Where are, where are we?

We're in the alien ship.

Ah. Uh! I'm trapped inside Helen Hunt's ass! Oh God, help me you guys!

It's not Helen Hunt's ass. It's an alien space ship.

...Oh, thank God! Well then, thank you Lord.

Guys. Look.

My God, do you guys realize? This is only the second time we've ever been in outer space.

This is like my fifth time.

Uh oh. This must be the head alien guy.

Hello boys.

Dad?

No, not really. I just read your mind and thought this form might be more pleasing to you.

Aw dude, don't do that. That's gay.

Yeah, that's like that stupid movie, Contact.

Aw God, that movie pissed me off.

Very well, I shall show my true form.

Okay okay, take the form of something else!

How's this?

Santa!

Nno, that's stupid too.

How about this?

No

No!

Oooo, very nice.