Leanne Morgan: Unspeakable Things

Ladies and gentlemen, my mom, Leanne Morgan!

Thank y'all, darling Wilmington, North Carolina.

Honey, thank y'all.

And thank y'all for watching that first Netflix special.

Thank y'all. Thank y'all.

That changed my life.

And I have only watched it one time

because, if I watch myself, I feel like I'm gonna vomit.

And...

And I'm ashamed to tell y'all, when I watched that thing,

I should've been thinking, "Oh, I should've done that better,"

or, "I should've said that," or, "I could've done that."

No.

All I could think of the whole time I watched that thing

was, "When did my breasts..."

"When did my breasts get so fat?"

And I'm not talking...

You North Carolina boys, I'm not talking about a cute fat.

I'm talking big old mamaw breast.

And it felt to me like one was going that way, and one was going that way.

And then, y'all, okay, I was in a movie with Reese Witherspoon and Will Ferrell.

I know. That was crazy.

That came out of nowhere. I'll tell you who did that.

That little Reese Witherspoon. That doll, that smart thing.

And she made me her big sister, Gwyneth.

And... and let me tell y'all

that Reese Witherspoon is the size of this glass.

And she stood next to me in that movie, in that wedding movie,

and her little head hit right here.

And when I saw the movie, I thought,

"Oh, her head's the size of this breast."

And we shot that thing in Atlanta. It took two months, and it was so fun.

And it was like being at summer camp. It really was.

But I was scared to death.

Before I went down there, I thought I was gonna get the shingles.

I was scared to death.

And I thought, "Well, I bet I'll lose weight."

"I bet I'll lose weight 'cause I'm scared to death,

and I'll probably have explosive diarrhea every day."

And then I thought, "All those little people in Hollywood are so tiny."

Everybody's frail and little bitty.

The men have got big heads and little legs.

I don't know if y'all have noticed that.

Think of Tom Cruise. Big head, little legs.

And I thought, "Well, I bet they don't feed

those little Hollywood people when they're doing a movie."

"That'll be good for me. I can go without food for two months."

Well, no, that's not what happens.

There's a thing called crafty.

And these darling people cook all day long on a movie set.

And because it's in a union,

they have to feed you a hot meal every two-and-a-half to three hours.

Reese didn't eat it.

But I did.

Let me tell you this about movies.

You sit there for a long time during the day with nothing to do

until they call your name, and you get kind of bored.

And then some little darling man will yell, "Empanadas,"

and I would just take off running as hard as I could.

I wore the same shoe throughout that movie,

and it was a wedge with a strap going up my ankle.

And by the end of that two months,

those darling wardrobe people had to poke an extra hole in my strap.

Because I was retaining fluid so bad.

Look at these darling men here tonight that live in Wilmington, North Carolina.

So cute.

Y'all could be home watching baseball.

But you're gonna have to hear about my fat breast and my retaining fluid.

If I have time, I'll talk about my reflux.

I don't know. Just hold on, boys. I don't know.

Okay, let me tell y'all

that I fell in love with everybody on that movie set,

but I really got close to the hair and makeup people,

and they were all local people from Atlanta.

And every time I went in that trailer, they would say to me,

"Leanne, you have got to let us be the ones

to take you to this historical place in Atlanta."

"Everybody's gotta go at least one time in their life."

"Please let us be the ones to take you."

And I was like, "Okay."

"I love history."

They wanted to take me

to the Clermont Lounge.

Anybody here heard of that?

Well, let's tell all these other innocent and sweet, precious people

what that Sodom and Gomorrah is.

The Clermont Lounge is in the Clermont Hotel,

and that's, I guess, a historical hotel.

And they painted it pink.

And I think it's expensive to stay there.

There's a rooftop bar where young people take their Instagram pictures

and put it on there.

And then inside the hotel is a restaurant, a bar, and a coffee shop.

Down in the basement...

...in a dark, black hole

is the Clermont Lounge.

And that is a strip club.

Whoo!

And when I found that out, I said, "Oh, I'm sorry. I have the Holy Spirit."

I know. I'm like, "I'm not going to that mess."

They were like, "It's not what you think it is."

"Just trust us. It's not what you think it is."

The only thing I've ever known about a strip club...

There was one in Knoxville, Tennessee that was on the side of the interstate,

and it was called The Catch,

and my little children thought it was a Mexican restaurant.

And then I've seen movies, you know.

I've seen movies with strippers and professional athletes

and lights and poles and all that kind of stuff.

This is not that.

This is more like Ripley's Believe It or Not.

But I didn't know that. And they kept begging me to go.

And I was so freaked out, I asked my middle child, Maggie.

I said, "Do you think if I go to this thing,

I'm gonna feel the presence of Satan?"

And she said, "Yeah, girl, I do."

And I said to my baby child,

who's fascinated by sin...

I said, "Do you think I'll feel Satan?"

She went, "No, I don't think so."

They both know I'm very sensitive.

I have felt the presence of Satan

on Bourbon Street in New Orleans.

I think he lives there full-time.

And in Las Vegas twice.

So they kept begging me to go, kept begging me to go.

And so, we go down these dark steps,

down in this hole.

And there's these big men standing at the bottom, and they go, "Cash only."

"If you take your phone out and use it, we'll beat you to death with it."

Well, they didn't say that, but it felt like that.

The hair and makeup people said, "You'll get new material out of it."

Anytime anybody says that to me, I know something traumatic's about to happen.

Okay, we go into this basement of this hotel,

and it's a basement,

and there are no lights, no poles, nothing like that.

There's a tiny little stage with...

The bar is built around it, and it's got a low ceiling.

So all these women that dance there that are over five feet tall

have to dance like this.

We go in there...

And this is the impersonation the hair and makeup people had of me.

They said that I held my purse all night and went...

After I was there for a while, I realized

there's people that like to go to this place.

First of all, darling gay men.

Darling, precious gay men.

And I don't know if it's because... Hey.

I don't know if it's 'cause y'all like to encourage and lift up and cheer.

You know? I think so, you doll.

Okay. And then women's groups.

Women's groups go.

That sounds like Bible study. Not that.

It's like girls with cowboy hats on and boas.

And they're going for bachelorettes and birthdays, and going...

That kind of... that kind of girl.

And then serial killers.

Serial killers like to go.

I know I looked in the face of a serial killer.

The first woman that came out

was at least 70 years old.

Before I start talking about these little women,

I don't want y'all to go, "Leanne's making fun of women trying to make a living."

Ain't nobody making any money.

All right? Nobody.

This ain't about the money.

And it's sweet that they let everybody participate.

But anyhoo, all right,

that little woman comes out, and she's got on a pump about that long,

but her little foot's about that long,

and it was swimming around in that big pump.

And after more people came out, I thought,

"Nobody's shoes fit."

Everybody was sliding around and dancing in their shoes.

And I thought there must be a big pile of shoes in the back...

...and they tell them,

"Get you on a pair of shoes before you go out there and dance."

But this little woman had on a denim pair of shorts and a tank top,

and that's what she danced in.

And it looked like somebody would wear that

on a Saturday morning in the Dollar General store.

That's what it looked like.

It looked like somebody that would go, "I just need some Diet Dr Pepper,

and a couple of cans of Hormel Chili."

The second woman that came out was a young girl.

I think she was probably about 30,

and she had blonde, curly hair and black, horn-rimmed glasses.

She was very enthusiastic. She came out, and she was like...

I thought, "Who does she look like?"

"Ooh, Mrs. Frizzle on Magic School Bus."

On PBS.

My kids loved that show.

And that little thing danced in a 4th July, patriotic-themed,

red, white, and blue bra and panty set.

And I'll just tell y'all, it was a little dingy.

And as a mother,

all I could think of when that little thing was dancing was,

"Man, I wish I could take that bra and panty set home...

...and Biz that overnight."

Oh. Mm.