Tucker and Dale vs Evil (Tucker and Dale vs. Evil)

Should we be doing this? It's still a crime scene.

Sack up, Billy. It's called "investigative journalism" for a reason.

Yeah, but don't we need a press pass or a permit or something?

Press pass this!

You know, the police missed something here, I can feel it.

What do you say, Billy? Won't a Peabody Award look great up on your...

Yo, Chuck, speed up, man! Yeah, man, speed up.

Guys, this is my dad's car. So if I go any faster, he will kill me.

Holy shit!

- Shit! - Jesus, that was close.

You fucking assholes!

We are in hillbilly country now, boys. Squeal like a pig!

Yeehaw!

Chad, just cos they're not in your fraternity doesn't mean they're freaks.

Actually, it does, Allison. You see, you're either Omega Beta or you're a freak.

- Omega Beta! Omega Beta! - Fuck.

- Chi, chi, chi! - I'm in a oar full of morons.

No, if we were morons, we wouldn't have thought to bring this.

OK, I stand corrected. You are a fucking genius.

Hey, Chuck, speed up, man. They're gonna pass us.

Oh, jeez. Whoa, Jesus.

Did you see the way those guys looked at us?

Hey, guys! Guys!

We forgot the beer!

No!

Sure you got everything you need? Cos once you get up there...

Can I help you?

Uh, yeah. Where's your beer at?

Beer's in the back.

You see the way them kids looked?

Read that list back to me. OK, three-quarter-inch nails,

hacksaw, baling hooks,

brush-clearing Scythe, clamps...

Hey, Chad, do we need more bug...

- "crosscutting handsaw... - Chad?

- lubricated condoms... - Chad?

Hand drill...

_.feminine napkins, stone bit, one-eighth hole saw...

- Oh, my God! - It's just me.

Let's get out of here. This place is so creepy.

- Dale, we need anything else? - Pickled eggs. Six-pounder.

Oh, hot dog, Tucker. Have you ever seen anything like that in your life?

There's nothing so special about them.

- They're just your average college girls. - Nothing average about that.

You know something, Dale?

She's just human. Why don't you go over there and talk to her?

Talk to her? What? What in the world would I say?

I don't know. Tell her that you got a vacation home. That'll probably impress her.

Are you out of your mind, Tucker? These are college girls.

They grew up with vacation homes, and guys like me fixing their toilets.

You gotta have some faith in yourself, man. Girls can smell fear.

Now come on! You are a good-lookin' man...

more or less.

You got a damn good heart.

Yup.

I mean, that's two things right there. Now, go on, get over there.

What's the worst that could happen?

You know something?

- You're right, Tuck. I'm gonna do it. - All right.

- I'm gonna do it right now. - All right, hold up.

All right, now, whatever you say, just smile and laugh.

It shows confidence.

Smile and laugh. OK.

- Do it. - All right.

You guys, uh...goin' campin'?

Hey! Hey. Now, look... we don't want any trouble, all right?

- So just...back off. - Whoa!

- OK. OK. I'm sorry. - Back off!

Get in the truck.

That's a-a good-lookin' cooler...

I told you, Tucker. I'm a zero with the ladies.

They hate my face!

Come on.

I ain't like you, Tucker, you know? I can't talk to the ladyfolk the way you can.

No one can. I mean, I...

I always get all stupid, and my hands get clammy, and I just act like a big fat idiot.

You know what your problem is? You got an inferiority complex.

No, I don't.

- Yeah, yeah. - No.

Let me tell you something, life is short. You got to go after what you want.

Mm-hm.

Cos it sure as hell ain't gonna just fall right in your lap.

- That's true, I reckon. - Aw, shit.

- What are you doing? - Shit, shit. We got a cop.

Oh, I got you.

I got a rag. Move your arm. You spilled beer all over your crotch.

All right, he's pulling over.

- Get up, Dale. - I can't.

- Dale, he's coming. - No, it's stuck on my sleeve.

- Get up. - My hand is stuck on...

Un-stuck it, then. He's out of his car.

He's out of his car? He's coming.

- Tucker! - Get it...

Yeah.

- Howdy, Officer. - Hey.

- It's a beautiful day, isn't it? - Yeah.

License, please.

Uh, I lost my wallet a couple weeks back. New one is in the mail.

Temporary.

Where you two headed?

We're headed to our vacation home up by Morris Lake.

I sank every penny I had into it.

Me and Dale here, we're gonna go fix 'er up, maybe do a little fishin'.

- Do a little fishin'. - He's been striking out with the ladies.

I figured a little man time might do him some good.

There ain't nothing up there but pain and suffering on a scale you can't even imagine.

I pulled you over cos you got a broken turn signal.

Oh, yes, sir.

See that you, uh...

get that fixed.

That was very helpful.

- Man, that was tense. - That dude's weird.

There he goes.

Bye _

God, would you look at him? You know what his problem is?

He was jealous because he can't afford a place of his own.

Ah. Well...

Here's to the good life, huh?

- Oh, yeah. - To the good life, man.

I mean, what's a parasite? Oh, look at this little truck right here!

I know, I know. Is that ours?

Wow. And another one right there.

Oh, my God.

It's perfect!

- And what did they call this, a fixer-upper? - Yeah.

- All right, let's go check it out inside. - Yeah.

I can't believe this is ours! Oh, my God!

- Well, it's just a little dusty is all. - It's a mansion!

Whoever used to live here must have been an archaeologist or something.

Yeah, archae... Yeah.

Look at this. Must have been a real news junkie, too.

Chubby's Chili Dog Depot? Buy three, get two free. No expiration date.

- All right. - Score!

Tucker, look! They got my favourite board game here, too.

You know what? I tell you something, Dale.

I cannot believe that I am standing in my own vacation home right now.

You know something?

Dreams really do come true.

Look out!

- Whoa! - Well, I guess we should fix that.

Yeah, that's a good idea.

You can get off me now.

If you have a reoccurring dream about sucking a dick but never do it, are you gay?

- Yes. - Really?

- Guys! - Are you serious?

- What? - You guys want to hear a scary story?

No! Chuck, no.

- Absolutely not. - That's not funny.

- You're such a liar. - It happened to my cousins, I think.

Now, do you fuckers want to hear a real story? Huh?

This story happened right here, right in these very woods.

It was 20 years ago today.

The Memorial Day Massacre.

How a bunch of college kids... just like us...

they came out here to have a good time...

but little did they know that they weren't the only ones in these here woods.

Pump Up The Jam)

Pump it up While your feet are stompin'.

And the jam is pumpin'...

J' Pump it up a little more.

J* Get the party going on the dance Hoof.

J' See, cos that's where the...

Get another one! Come on!

J' I'm gonna meet my maker.

J' I ain't afraid to die.

- Hey, what the hell are you doing? - Yeah, put that back on.

No, no. This is cool, I like this.

Only one person lived to tell this story.

The rest of them just disappeared...

and their bodies are buried beneath us.

Hey! Hey! There's a lake back there.

Who wants to go skinny dipping?

- I do. - Yeah.

- All right. - I'm not getting naked.

Uh... That's OK, Tuck.

You take that. That's yours.

That's why you're never gonna get ahead in life.

It's cos you don't stick up for yourself.

Do not even think about it.

- But you just said... - Are you kidding me?

- OW! - Are you serious?

What'd I just say?

- You said I gotta stick up for myself. - I said, "Don't even think about it", though.

That was the last thing I said.

Hello?

Is someone there?

Guys?

Yargh!

God, Chad! What the hell are you doing?

- You are such an asshole. - Come on, that was funny.

No, it wasn't.

You got nothing to worry about, Allie. It's just me.

You totally freaked me out.

You know, you can drop the act now.

- What act? - Like you're better than everyone else.

- I don't think... - Yeah, you do.

But that's OK, Allie, because I get it.

I mean, you are better than everyone else.

You and I, Allie...

are cut from a different cloth. You know what I mean?